Last night I woke up around 3:30. I'm not exactly sure what woke me. It could have been John because he was coughing so much. Or maybe it was Caleb because he was coughing, too. A nasty virus has been floating from one person to another in our family this past week. Either way, I woke up at 3:30AM and couldn't fall back asleep. I didn't immediately grab my phone in hopes that I could fall back asleep, but after a about a half an hour, I grabbed my phone and started scrolling. I figured I'd end up tired, but that didn't happen. When things like that happen (like not getting tired at 4AM after scrolling for a bit) I assume it's because God wants me to spend time with Him. So I closed the app I was looking at and started praying.
I thought I'd fall asleep praying, but no. I started thinking about things and as I was praying I realized there was bitterness in my heart. So.Much.Bitterness. I knew it was there if I'm honest. I knew it had been brewing for a very long time. I prayed about it and sometimes it would disappear only to reappear later because I would justify it. People doing things that were SO offensive. Others even validating my feelings. But it was wrong. Very wrong.
So I opened my Bible app and I searched for a plan about bitterness and clicked the first one. It took me to Hebrews 12, one of my favorite chapters and the foundation of this blog. God was already saying so much before I even started reading. I followed the plan to Hebrews 12:15 - "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled." Well now I have a verse to back up how bitterness is wrong.
I read the devotional that went with the verse and it was a horrible story about how one grandmother was bitter and it showed through everything she said and did. She was just one of those mean old ladies. It seemed to trickle down to her daughter who was the same way. And the bitterness was beginning to rear it's ugly head in the daughter's daughter. That was all I needed to hear.
Oh my gosh! I didn't realize that how I am so greatly affects my kids. I would never want my kids to be bitter because of me. I would never want to be like the grandmother. How irresponsible and silly! All over something so trivial I'm sure.
I immediately started praying, asking God to remove all the bitterness. I was immediately humbled by God's presence, asked for forgiveness, and prayed that I hadn't messed up my kids too bad. Overwhelmed by His presence and so humbled by His mercy and grace, I thought of all the things He had given me despite all my imperfections, including my bitterness. I was so humbled by the fact that I had been bitter for so long, new it was wrong, and yet He still embraced me like I was His most prized possession. It's hard to wrap my mind around it.
In the midst of prayer I realized that my bitterness was stemming from my own insecurities. The people who I was bitter toward had no intentions of hurting me. I was taking it all personally and it wasn't personal. At all.
It seems so simple, but it was quite the revelation. I can't tell you the peace and freedom I have walked in today after having this time with the Lord this morning. I never did fall back asleep, but I am not even tired. There feels like a weight has been lifted and I can't help smiling.
The Lord is good, He really is. To meet me, every time, where I am, in all my mess, and embrace me like I'm the most special thing in the world.
I have to say, I couldn't help but thank Him repeatedly for my children this morning. I don't deserve anything and yet He has given me three angels. Three beautiful treasures. And for what? What did I do to deserve them? I've never lived a perfect day in my life. My babies are just an example of God's goodness, mercy, and grace. To be so imperfect, failing all the time, and He still rewards me. <3 p="">
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Angels in the Batter's Box
If you think God doesn't care about the little things we care about, you're wrong. If you think God isn't in sports, you're wrong again. God can use ANY avenue He wants to show us His goodness and power and He can use absolutely ANYTHING for His glory.
If you guessed that this is a story about baseball, you're right. If you guessed this is a story about a little boy who couldn't hit, you're right. If you guessed this story has a happy ending where God did something awesome, you're right again. This IS a story about a little boy who struggled with batting, but in the end, because we prayed and believed, did something so awesome, all because Jesus decided to answer prayers and do something big that day.
It all began about three weeks ago. Our oldest son Caleb, was picked to try out for the Farm League All Star baseball team (Farm League is one step below Little League. The team is made up of kids kindergarten through second grade). We didn't know there was an All Star team so when he got nominated, we were so proud! We were also a little nervous. Caleb's batting wasn't the best. You see, Caleb's small for his age, he always has been. At eight years old, he weighs as much as his five your old brother. He's just a small, skinny guy. Unfortunately that means his upper body strength is not where it should be for boys his age. That means hitting is tough for him. He also had been practicing hitting with a Nerf ball and a pool noodle, which caused him to develop some weird habits. All of a sudden, he was trying to golf with his baseball bat.
Knowing this, we spent the days leading up to tryouts at the batting cages. I took Caleb a few times to try and fix his swing while hoping to boost his confidence at the plate. I think it worked because on the day of his try out he hit the ball so well! I was really impressed! His bat looked stronger than I had ever seen and his swing was level. Minus taking a pop fly to the face (yes, it was ugly), his fielding looked excellent and so did his batting. We were sure he made the team.
Fast forward a few hours and we got the call that Caleb did NOT make the All Star team. I was crushed. We asked what went wrong and they told us that his batting just wasn't strong enough or consistent throughout the season (which was true). My heart broke. How in the world was I going to tell my son, my heart, my whole world, that he didn't make it? I dreaded the following morning when I would have to tell him the news. I barely slept that night.
The next morning, my husband and I got up and went to tell our son he didn't make it. I made my husband deliver the news as I could not speak due to the lump in my throat and the tears welling up in my eyes. Our sweet little boy was crushed, and while he didn't completely cry, we saw the tears in his eyes when he buried his head in my chest. Oh Lord Jesus why?! I didn't understand any of it! We had prayed and believed. There was no lack of faith here! I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I was so upset. The worst feeling in the world is when your child is hurt or upset and there's nothing you can do to make it better.
I sent my son off to school that day and prayed he'd be distracted enough not to think about the results of his tryout. When he got home, we went swimming in my in laws pool hoping to keep him distracted most of the day. He was definitely distracted, but when it came time for bed, his eyes filled up again. I knew the calm would be a factor, so we prayed and he seemed to feel better.
It was a rough few days, but we made it through. By the end of the week Caleb's team had made it to the championship so that lifted his spirits. His team had made it to the championship last year, but lost. This year looked more promising so we were hoping for a big win. We were bummed when it got cancelled due to rain and pushed back another couple days. We were really itching for a trophy this year!
Fast forward to Friday and we prayed so hard for Caleb's team to win. If this poor kid couldn't make the All Star team, then we were SERIOUSLY praying for a championship win and a trophy! I spent the afternoon praying, A LOT! I kept listening to those two old songs, What A Mighty God We Serve and I Will Celebrate over and over while on the treadmill and I just felt like something big was going to happen at the game. Was Caleb going to crush one over the fence? Was he going to make great plays in the field? I didn't know, but I knew we'd have something to celebrate that night after the game.
I was so nervous when we got to the field. Literally shaking and nauseous. "Oh God, please don't let him strike out. Please let him hit the ball," was all I could think over and over, along with, "just connect, just connect." The game began and both teams looked good. We had ten runned this team before so I kind of expected to do it again. Except we weren't. At all. The innings were going fast. One. Two. Three. Just like that pretty much. Over and Over.
Then all of a sudden the other team over ran third base. Twice. Such a weird thing to do, yet it happened twice. In a row. Had those players not overrun third base, they would have scored, but they never got the chance to cross home plate. It was weird and very out of character.
The fifth inning rolled around. I had spent the game chatting away, keeping one eye on the game and one eye on the conversation. I was happy to be somewhat distracted, but I was concerned. We weren't ten running this team. In fact, the game was close, but I wasn't sure how close, so I motioned to John who was coaching first base. Going into the bottom of the fifth inning (our team was up to bat), I mouthed to John. I asked him the score and he held up one finger on each hand indicating it was 1-1. I held up my hands to say, "what in the world is going on?!" And he looked down and shook his head.
Ugh, things were not looking good and both of us were worried. Would we lose two years in a row to the same team? Oh God, please! Our top batters were up to bat which was good, but our first batter popped out. It was so uncharacteristic for him. We needed to move on. There were still two outs left so we were still OK. The next batter gets up and hits a double, but being Little League, the coaches pushed him to go to third knowing no eight year old was making the throw from right field to third base. Our second batter was safe on third. Our fourth batter gets up. Our strongest hitter. For sure he would get a hit and our guy on third would run home to make the game 2-1. Except our fourth batter uncharacteristically struck out. He swung for the fences and simply missed the ball altogether. Bottom of the fifth, 1-1, runner on third, two outs.
At this point, things were looking grim. The opposing team had the top of their line up coming up in the top of the last inning which was not good for us. We needed to take the lead here. As God would have it, our little Caleb was up to bat with two outs left. I began praying like I've never prayed before. I could have passed out from praying so hard (is that even possible lol). Our guy on third told Caleb to hit him home. I have no idea what was going on in Caleb's mind, but he had to be nervous. Not having a strong bat with so much pressure would make anyone's palms sweat.
First pitch he watched go by. I wiped the sweat off my brow. Oh Lord, please don't let him strike out. Second pitch gets ready and is released. Caleb swung. He hit a line drive right over second base into the outfield. The runner on third ran home. Caleb stopped at first. The crowd went crazy! One mom was standing behind me who rarely says a thing. literally the quietest lady, was yelling at the top of her lungs. I had to do a double take. The score: 2-1. Our next batter came up to bat. Three pitches and he struck out. Now it was top of the sixth with the opposing team's top batters up.
We just had to hold them. Just hold them. Three outs and we would get the trophy this year. First batter gets up and hits a line drive back to the pitcher. First out. Second batter gets up and strikes out. Out number two. One more out and the trophy was ours. Third batter gets up and hits a blooper to the second baseman. He runs at the ball, grabs it and tosses it to the first baseman. Out number 3.
Game Over.
We won the game. The kids went nuts! Beating the team that beat us the year prior was so sweet. Getting that trophy was sweet too. It was such a great game and such a great night.
The best part? Caleb's coach, the very coach who, when asked after the very first game who got the game ball responded that he didn't believe in game balls, gave Caleb the game ball for batting in the game winning RBI in the championship. And the irony. The kid who didn't make the All Star team because of his poor batting, somehow managed to bat in the game winning RBI to win the championship game. I smile as I type because only God could do something so perfect, so amazing.
This is just a perfect reminder of awesome our God is, even caring about the smallest, silly things like a Little League baseball game.
If you guessed that this is a story about baseball, you're right. If you guessed this is a story about a little boy who couldn't hit, you're right. If you guessed this story has a happy ending where God did something awesome, you're right again. This IS a story about a little boy who struggled with batting, but in the end, because we prayed and believed, did something so awesome, all because Jesus decided to answer prayers and do something big that day.
It all began about three weeks ago. Our oldest son Caleb, was picked to try out for the Farm League All Star baseball team (Farm League is one step below Little League. The team is made up of kids kindergarten through second grade). We didn't know there was an All Star team so when he got nominated, we were so proud! We were also a little nervous. Caleb's batting wasn't the best. You see, Caleb's small for his age, he always has been. At eight years old, he weighs as much as his five your old brother. He's just a small, skinny guy. Unfortunately that means his upper body strength is not where it should be for boys his age. That means hitting is tough for him. He also had been practicing hitting with a Nerf ball and a pool noodle, which caused him to develop some weird habits. All of a sudden, he was trying to golf with his baseball bat.
Knowing this, we spent the days leading up to tryouts at the batting cages. I took Caleb a few times to try and fix his swing while hoping to boost his confidence at the plate. I think it worked because on the day of his try out he hit the ball so well! I was really impressed! His bat looked stronger than I had ever seen and his swing was level. Minus taking a pop fly to the face (yes, it was ugly), his fielding looked excellent and so did his batting. We were sure he made the team.
Fast forward a few hours and we got the call that Caleb did NOT make the All Star team. I was crushed. We asked what went wrong and they told us that his batting just wasn't strong enough or consistent throughout the season (which was true). My heart broke. How in the world was I going to tell my son, my heart, my whole world, that he didn't make it? I dreaded the following morning when I would have to tell him the news. I barely slept that night.
The next morning, my husband and I got up and went to tell our son he didn't make it. I made my husband deliver the news as I could not speak due to the lump in my throat and the tears welling up in my eyes. Our sweet little boy was crushed, and while he didn't completely cry, we saw the tears in his eyes when he buried his head in my chest. Oh Lord Jesus why?! I didn't understand any of it! We had prayed and believed. There was no lack of faith here! I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I was so upset. The worst feeling in the world is when your child is hurt or upset and there's nothing you can do to make it better.
I sent my son off to school that day and prayed he'd be distracted enough not to think about the results of his tryout. When he got home, we went swimming in my in laws pool hoping to keep him distracted most of the day. He was definitely distracted, but when it came time for bed, his eyes filled up again. I knew the calm would be a factor, so we prayed and he seemed to feel better.
It was a rough few days, but we made it through. By the end of the week Caleb's team had made it to the championship so that lifted his spirits. His team had made it to the championship last year, but lost. This year looked more promising so we were hoping for a big win. We were bummed when it got cancelled due to rain and pushed back another couple days. We were really itching for a trophy this year!
Fast forward to Friday and we prayed so hard for Caleb's team to win. If this poor kid couldn't make the All Star team, then we were SERIOUSLY praying for a championship win and a trophy! I spent the afternoon praying, A LOT! I kept listening to those two old songs, What A Mighty God We Serve and I Will Celebrate over and over while on the treadmill and I just felt like something big was going to happen at the game. Was Caleb going to crush one over the fence? Was he going to make great plays in the field? I didn't know, but I knew we'd have something to celebrate that night after the game.
I was so nervous when we got to the field. Literally shaking and nauseous. "Oh God, please don't let him strike out. Please let him hit the ball," was all I could think over and over, along with, "just connect, just connect." The game began and both teams looked good. We had ten runned this team before so I kind of expected to do it again. Except we weren't. At all. The innings were going fast. One. Two. Three. Just like that pretty much. Over and Over.
Then all of a sudden the other team over ran third base. Twice. Such a weird thing to do, yet it happened twice. In a row. Had those players not overrun third base, they would have scored, but they never got the chance to cross home plate. It was weird and very out of character.
The fifth inning rolled around. I had spent the game chatting away, keeping one eye on the game and one eye on the conversation. I was happy to be somewhat distracted, but I was concerned. We weren't ten running this team. In fact, the game was close, but I wasn't sure how close, so I motioned to John who was coaching first base. Going into the bottom of the fifth inning (our team was up to bat), I mouthed to John. I asked him the score and he held up one finger on each hand indicating it was 1-1. I held up my hands to say, "what in the world is going on?!" And he looked down and shook his head.
Ugh, things were not looking good and both of us were worried. Would we lose two years in a row to the same team? Oh God, please! Our top batters were up to bat which was good, but our first batter popped out. It was so uncharacteristic for him. We needed to move on. There were still two outs left so we were still OK. The next batter gets up and hits a double, but being Little League, the coaches pushed him to go to third knowing no eight year old was making the throw from right field to third base. Our second batter was safe on third. Our fourth batter gets up. Our strongest hitter. For sure he would get a hit and our guy on third would run home to make the game 2-1. Except our fourth batter uncharacteristically struck out. He swung for the fences and simply missed the ball altogether. Bottom of the fifth, 1-1, runner on third, two outs.
At this point, things were looking grim. The opposing team had the top of their line up coming up in the top of the last inning which was not good for us. We needed to take the lead here. As God would have it, our little Caleb was up to bat with two outs left. I began praying like I've never prayed before. I could have passed out from praying so hard (is that even possible lol). Our guy on third told Caleb to hit him home. I have no idea what was going on in Caleb's mind, but he had to be nervous. Not having a strong bat with so much pressure would make anyone's palms sweat.
First pitch he watched go by. I wiped the sweat off my brow. Oh Lord, please don't let him strike out. Second pitch gets ready and is released. Caleb swung. He hit a line drive right over second base into the outfield. The runner on third ran home. Caleb stopped at first. The crowd went crazy! One mom was standing behind me who rarely says a thing. literally the quietest lady, was yelling at the top of her lungs. I had to do a double take. The score: 2-1. Our next batter came up to bat. Three pitches and he struck out. Now it was top of the sixth with the opposing team's top batters up.
We just had to hold them. Just hold them. Three outs and we would get the trophy this year. First batter gets up and hits a line drive back to the pitcher. First out. Second batter gets up and strikes out. Out number two. One more out and the trophy was ours. Third batter gets up and hits a blooper to the second baseman. He runs at the ball, grabs it and tosses it to the first baseman. Out number 3.
Game Over.
We won the game. The kids went nuts! Beating the team that beat us the year prior was so sweet. Getting that trophy was sweet too. It was such a great game and such a great night.
The best part? Caleb's coach, the very coach who, when asked after the very first game who got the game ball responded that he didn't believe in game balls, gave Caleb the game ball for batting in the game winning RBI in the championship. And the irony. The kid who didn't make the All Star team because of his poor batting, somehow managed to bat in the game winning RBI to win the championship game. I smile as I type because only God could do something so perfect, so amazing.
This is just a perfect reminder of awesome our God is, even caring about the smallest, silly things like a Little League baseball game.
It's Simple but Amazing
I'll forget that time when the kids were little. A relatively new family of five living on one income in a state with the highest taxes. Everything was expensive. Everything. We pinched pennies everywhere, we still do. Yet we barely made it every month. There was maybe a few extra dollars left over every month, and it usually went to food. There was never extra money left over for meals out or visits to fun places.
I remember driving past Storybook Land so many times during that time. In awe of all the lights, the rides, the Christmas decorations, and all the chatter among families walking in, I desperately wanted to take the kids. However, SBL was SO expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Food was so costly, as was our new bigger car, our house, student loan payments, etc, etc. So much money going out to pay bills and just barely enough coming in. I longed to take my kids to experience Storybook Land at Christmas time, but we really couldn't afford it.
I told God my desires, although I knew He already knew. I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world if we didn't take the kids, but I really wanted to. Then, it happened. About two weeks later after driving passed one day and longing to go, someone gifted us four tickets to Storybook Land, just enough for our family since our baby was still a baby and would be free. A week later we entered Storybook Land with the kids and it was as magical as I imagined.
It's things like this that remind me of the higher power working in our favor. It's things like this that remind me God cares about the little things we care about. It's things like this that remind me of how much He cares about us, the same way I care about my kids and want to give them the world.
It's a simple, but amazing reminder that there is a God up there looking out for us very perfectly orchestrating the strings of our lives.
I remember driving past Storybook Land so many times during that time. In awe of all the lights, the rides, the Christmas decorations, and all the chatter among families walking in, I desperately wanted to take the kids. However, SBL was SO expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Food was so costly, as was our new bigger car, our house, student loan payments, etc, etc. So much money going out to pay bills and just barely enough coming in. I longed to take my kids to experience Storybook Land at Christmas time, but we really couldn't afford it.
I told God my desires, although I knew He already knew. I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world if we didn't take the kids, but I really wanted to. Then, it happened. About two weeks later after driving passed one day and longing to go, someone gifted us four tickets to Storybook Land, just enough for our family since our baby was still a baby and would be free. A week later we entered Storybook Land with the kids and it was as magical as I imagined.
It's things like this that remind me of the higher power working in our favor. It's things like this that remind me God cares about the little things we care about. It's things like this that remind me of how much He cares about us, the same way I care about my kids and want to give them the world.
It's a simple, but amazing reminder that there is a God up there looking out for us very perfectly orchestrating the strings of our lives.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Who is Jesus to me and why I won't stop talking about Him
Dear Facebook friends,
Some of you know me well and some not so much. Some know my testimony, some don't. This is for the ones who don't know my story. So to my Facebook friends who don't KNOW me, this is for you.
Some of you may have heard me talk about Jesus. Some of you may have heard me say things about praying a lot. This is just a piece of what's really inside and I want to share my story with you.
There is a picture of me at two weeks old. In the picture I am in the hands of a pastor who is lifting me toward heaven. My parents are standing in front of the pastor who are all in front of the church. All eyes are closed (except my moms, probably because she was afraid the pastor would drop me haha) and everyone is praying. I was being dedicated to God (kind of like a Christening). If there is one picture in my life that could represent what I am, it would be that picture. It was a picture that set the tone for my life: a life dedicated to the Lord.
Before I was even a thought, I was prayed for. I am a rainbow baby, a baby that was said to be impossible. Once I was conceived, I was prayed for even more. And the minute I entered the world, I was prayed for some more. To say I was raised in church is an understatement. God was all around me since the beginning: at home, at church, everywhere. My parents instilled Christian values and morals while the church reinforced those values. There is a verse in the Bible that says this: Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). I am an example of that verse.
But I didn't choose this life because my parents made the decision for me. Yes, I went to church my whole life. Yes, I went to Sunday School and learned about Jesus. Yes, my parents would have loved to choose a Christian life for me, but I chose this life all my own. And that is where MY story begins.
As a kid, I went to church because what else was a little kid going to do on a Sunday morning? I never fought my parents about going to church (I did fight about wearing those ridiculous frilly dresses haha). Church was cool, Jesus was cool too. So we went to church and it was what we did on Sundays.
Then freshman year at Absegami High School came. I had the BIGGEST dreams and aspirations a girl could ever have. I was going to join all the clubs, run for class president, do all the things, be the best student, become valedictorian, go to Princeton, become a doctor, and have the best high school career you could imagine. And I did. That first week of school, I signed up for everything under the sun. My name was on every list, under every club. I was off to a great start.
Then the second week came around. One day, out of the blue, I woke up with the WORST anxiety. All of a sudden fear and worry enveloped me and consumed my every thought. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. I thought it was a fluke and that it would disappear as quickly as it came, but it wouldn't go away.
My typical A's and B's turned into C's and D's (except for Math, I always did well in Math). I passed classes by the skin of my teeth and I missed a lot of school. I dropped out of all the clubs. I didn't understand what was going on in my life at the time. I just knew it wasn't pretty.
I spent my entire freshman year in constant fear, worry, and anxiety over things that were totally irrational. To embarrassed to talk about it, I tried fixing it on my own, but nothing worked. I was really drowning desperate for a way out.
One beautiful Spring morning, I woke up to the sun's rays shining in my room. I'll never forget the way the rays broke through my blinds and cast a beautiful beams of light across my bed and bedroom floor. I stared at the rays of light. I wished I could enjoy them more because they were so beautiful, but I knew what the day held and I couldn't see past that. I remember thinking how I hated waking up because it was fear and anxiety all day, from the moment I woke up to the minute I fell asleep. How could I enjoy anything anymore?
Then, a thought entered my mind. What if I tried praying? I mean what did I have to lose? My freshman year was almost over and a disaster. I had heard how powerful prayer could be, why not try that? So I did.
I started praying, asking God to heal me, make me better. I was diligent about it, like a diet. Every morning, every time I worried, every time I was fearful. Every day, all the time. I prayed.
I was not all of a sudden healed. Not even close. Actually, what started happening was that on Sunday mornings during church, I kept having this desire to go to the altar and pray. And so week after week, at the end of the church service, I would go to the altar, get on my hands and knees, and pray.
Sometimes I didn't even really know what I was doing there, but I just knew something was pulling me there. So I went. Sometimes I prayed, sometimes I just sat. But real talk, there was something special going on at that altar. I didn't realize it at the time, but I started building a relationship with this guy Jesus I learned so much about as a kid. I started to hear His voice, feel His presence and His amazing unconditional perfect love at that altar week after week. And slowly as my relationship with Jesus grew, the anxiety, fear, and worry, started to disappear.
I spent the summer between my freshman and sophomore year running to that altar every week, desperately craving that time with my Creator. Those moments there were more beautiful and perfect than I could put into words. I was being transformed in so many ways and it was certainly supernatural. I was building this relationship with the God I had heard so much about and He had healed me so gently and sweetly.
This is only part of why I love Jesus so much. He healed me. The kind of fear, worry, and anxiety I had doesn't just go away on its own. It was dark, deep, and all consuming and enveloping. And yet, in my darkest moment when most people would be scared to get close to me, Jesus drew me in with open arms and loved me with an unconditional, supernatural love that is like nothing I've ever experienced.
That was almost 20 years ago and I still remember it like yesterday. Because Jesus still does things like that for me today and He has all along in my relationship with Him.
So this is part of my story. There is more I will share soon, but I wanted you all who don't know me too well to understand why I serve a God I can't see. I pray you can find hope in my story.
Some of you know me well and some not so much. Some know my testimony, some don't. This is for the ones who don't know my story. So to my Facebook friends who don't KNOW me, this is for you.
Some of you may have heard me talk about Jesus. Some of you may have heard me say things about praying a lot. This is just a piece of what's really inside and I want to share my story with you.
There is a picture of me at two weeks old. In the picture I am in the hands of a pastor who is lifting me toward heaven. My parents are standing in front of the pastor who are all in front of the church. All eyes are closed (except my moms, probably because she was afraid the pastor would drop me haha) and everyone is praying. I was being dedicated to God (kind of like a Christening). If there is one picture in my life that could represent what I am, it would be that picture. It was a picture that set the tone for my life: a life dedicated to the Lord.
Before I was even a thought, I was prayed for. I am a rainbow baby, a baby that was said to be impossible. Once I was conceived, I was prayed for even more. And the minute I entered the world, I was prayed for some more. To say I was raised in church is an understatement. God was all around me since the beginning: at home, at church, everywhere. My parents instilled Christian values and morals while the church reinforced those values. There is a verse in the Bible that says this: Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). I am an example of that verse.
But I didn't choose this life because my parents made the decision for me. Yes, I went to church my whole life. Yes, I went to Sunday School and learned about Jesus. Yes, my parents would have loved to choose a Christian life for me, but I chose this life all my own. And that is where MY story begins.
As a kid, I went to church because what else was a little kid going to do on a Sunday morning? I never fought my parents about going to church (I did fight about wearing those ridiculous frilly dresses haha). Church was cool, Jesus was cool too. So we went to church and it was what we did on Sundays.
Then freshman year at Absegami High School came. I had the BIGGEST dreams and aspirations a girl could ever have. I was going to join all the clubs, run for class president, do all the things, be the best student, become valedictorian, go to Princeton, become a doctor, and have the best high school career you could imagine. And I did. That first week of school, I signed up for everything under the sun. My name was on every list, under every club. I was off to a great start.
Then the second week came around. One day, out of the blue, I woke up with the WORST anxiety. All of a sudden fear and worry enveloped me and consumed my every thought. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. I thought it was a fluke and that it would disappear as quickly as it came, but it wouldn't go away.
My typical A's and B's turned into C's and D's (except for Math, I always did well in Math). I passed classes by the skin of my teeth and I missed a lot of school. I dropped out of all the clubs. I didn't understand what was going on in my life at the time. I just knew it wasn't pretty.
I spent my entire freshman year in constant fear, worry, and anxiety over things that were totally irrational. To embarrassed to talk about it, I tried fixing it on my own, but nothing worked. I was really drowning desperate for a way out.
One beautiful Spring morning, I woke up to the sun's rays shining in my room. I'll never forget the way the rays broke through my blinds and cast a beautiful beams of light across my bed and bedroom floor. I stared at the rays of light. I wished I could enjoy them more because they were so beautiful, but I knew what the day held and I couldn't see past that. I remember thinking how I hated waking up because it was fear and anxiety all day, from the moment I woke up to the minute I fell asleep. How could I enjoy anything anymore?
Then, a thought entered my mind. What if I tried praying? I mean what did I have to lose? My freshman year was almost over and a disaster. I had heard how powerful prayer could be, why not try that? So I did.
I started praying, asking God to heal me, make me better. I was diligent about it, like a diet. Every morning, every time I worried, every time I was fearful. Every day, all the time. I prayed.
I was not all of a sudden healed. Not even close. Actually, what started happening was that on Sunday mornings during church, I kept having this desire to go to the altar and pray. And so week after week, at the end of the church service, I would go to the altar, get on my hands and knees, and pray.
Sometimes I didn't even really know what I was doing there, but I just knew something was pulling me there. So I went. Sometimes I prayed, sometimes I just sat. But real talk, there was something special going on at that altar. I didn't realize it at the time, but I started building a relationship with this guy Jesus I learned so much about as a kid. I started to hear His voice, feel His presence and His amazing unconditional perfect love at that altar week after week. And slowly as my relationship with Jesus grew, the anxiety, fear, and worry, started to disappear.
I spent the summer between my freshman and sophomore year running to that altar every week, desperately craving that time with my Creator. Those moments there were more beautiful and perfect than I could put into words. I was being transformed in so many ways and it was certainly supernatural. I was building this relationship with the God I had heard so much about and He had healed me so gently and sweetly.
This is only part of why I love Jesus so much. He healed me. The kind of fear, worry, and anxiety I had doesn't just go away on its own. It was dark, deep, and all consuming and enveloping. And yet, in my darkest moment when most people would be scared to get close to me, Jesus drew me in with open arms and loved me with an unconditional, supernatural love that is like nothing I've ever experienced.
That was almost 20 years ago and I still remember it like yesterday. Because Jesus still does things like that for me today and He has all along in my relationship with Him.
So this is part of my story. There is more I will share soon, but I wanted you all who don't know me too well to understand why I serve a God I can't see. I pray you can find hope in my story.
Monday, April 29, 2019
April 29, 2019
How on earth did we get here?! Why does time seem to go so slow, but looking back, seem so fast? It's weird. We just got back from an amazing vacation in the Outer Banks with friends and we had a BLAST! We can't wait to go back and have already started a countdown for next year. We all had a tremendously amazing Spring Break and all had a hard time getting back to the normal school routine.
I dropped the boys off at school this morning and immediately started thinking about what I had to accomplish at home: unpacking, cleaning, laundry, just getting life back in order. There's a TON to do and definitely not enough time to do it. I sat down to check emails, do some bills, and put in a food order and I thought to myself, "I should read a quick devotional before I begin this day."
When I read the devotional it was on Colossians 3 about keeping our mind and focus on things above. How appropriate for this day. Here I am, so focused on things in this house, already getting overwhelmed. I need to readjust my focus.
I'll admit it's a bit difficult because there is so much to do, but it will be better for me if I put my focus on God. So Jesus, please help with that!
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for blessing us with our trip. Thank you for good health, money, and fun. Thank you for everything this past week. Please help me keep my focus on You today as we get readjusted to post vacation life. Help me focus on You and keep my eyes on things above as I tackle the things of this house. Help me to prioritize appropriately. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
I dropped the boys off at school this morning and immediately started thinking about what I had to accomplish at home: unpacking, cleaning, laundry, just getting life back in order. There's a TON to do and definitely not enough time to do it. I sat down to check emails, do some bills, and put in a food order and I thought to myself, "I should read a quick devotional before I begin this day."
When I read the devotional it was on Colossians 3 about keeping our mind and focus on things above. How appropriate for this day. Here I am, so focused on things in this house, already getting overwhelmed. I need to readjust my focus.
I'll admit it's a bit difficult because there is so much to do, but it will be better for me if I put my focus on God. So Jesus, please help with that!
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for blessing us with our trip. Thank you for good health, money, and fun. Thank you for everything this past week. Please help me keep my focus on You today as we get readjusted to post vacation life. Help me focus on You and keep my eyes on things above as I tackle the things of this house. Help me to prioritize appropriately. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
Thursday, May 24, 2018
Can it really be?
Memorial Day weekend has officially (unofficially) started. My husband decided to take off tomorrow (the Friday before Memorial Day) after a long three weeks of standardized testing and we decided to keep my oldest home since it's going to be an awesome beach day. Tomorrow we'll all head to the beach for a family beach day! I'm looking forward to it.
I can't believe there are only 18 more days of school left! Only three full weeks left and summer is here! I remember last year being so ready for summer and being super emotional about how my son was graduating kindergarten. I feel a little different this year. I'm still so ready for summer, but I am not as emotional about my son graduating first grade. In fact, I am so extremely happy about it. This year was tough and we are all ready for it to be over.
The past few weeks have been bombarded with baseball games, birthday parties, BBQs, and lots of play time outside. It's been awesome! Finally the warmer weather is here and we are loving it! The boys are ready for summer and my oldest is ready to be done with school work.
While I am so excited for summer and don't seem to be emotional about having an almost second grader, I am emotional about my middle guy heading to kindergarten in September. All year I wanted to put him in pre-school, but it kept not working out. And I'm thankful it didn't. Our family was plagued with so much sickness that it would have been a waste of money since my kids were sick every other week. But now I'm glad it didn't work out because I would have missed him. And as much as I wanted him to go to school, now I'm dreading it.
My middle guy is definitely ready. He's been wanting to go to school since he's watched his brother go for two years. He has his backpack and lunch box and he is so ready. If I told him he could go to school tomorrow, he'd pack up his favorite stuffed Mickey, some snacks, and head off to school like a big man. I'm not ready for him to leave me. I'm not ready to only have one home. Oh it'll be weird. Oh my heart will ache. Oh September, come slowly.
I can't believe there are only 18 more days of school left! Only three full weeks left and summer is here! I remember last year being so ready for summer and being super emotional about how my son was graduating kindergarten. I feel a little different this year. I'm still so ready for summer, but I am not as emotional about my son graduating first grade. In fact, I am so extremely happy about it. This year was tough and we are all ready for it to be over.
The past few weeks have been bombarded with baseball games, birthday parties, BBQs, and lots of play time outside. It's been awesome! Finally the warmer weather is here and we are loving it! The boys are ready for summer and my oldest is ready to be done with school work.
While I am so excited for summer and don't seem to be emotional about having an almost second grader, I am emotional about my middle guy heading to kindergarten in September. All year I wanted to put him in pre-school, but it kept not working out. And I'm thankful it didn't. Our family was plagued with so much sickness that it would have been a waste of money since my kids were sick every other week. But now I'm glad it didn't work out because I would have missed him. And as much as I wanted him to go to school, now I'm dreading it.
My middle guy is definitely ready. He's been wanting to go to school since he's watched his brother go for two years. He has his backpack and lunch box and he is so ready. If I told him he could go to school tomorrow, he'd pack up his favorite stuffed Mickey, some snacks, and head off to school like a big man. I'm not ready for him to leave me. I'm not ready to only have one home. Oh it'll be weird. Oh my heart will ache. Oh September, come slowly.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
March 2018
ots only a few short days before my oldest sons seventh birthday. I can’t believe he’s going to be seven! My heart.
This year has been tough. Caleb hasn’t enjoyed school as much as last year. He says it’s too much work, but I think it’s more then that. None of his friends from last year are in his class and he’s had a hard time adjusting to a new teacher. Sending him to school knowing he doesn’t want to be there has been very difficult. There are some days he’s ok with going, like when there’s a holiday party, but most weeks when there’s nothing to look forward to, he always asks to stay home.
This has been hard on my mamas heart. Part of me what’s to keep him home but part of me wants him to learn and understand sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to. Regardless, it’s been a tough year, his birthday is coming up, and we are all counting down the days until summer.
Thinking about this time last year and I remember how Caleb was starting to get sick of school. His teacher had gone out on maternity leave and the log term substitute took over. Caleb had a hard time adjusting to a new teacher after he had spent most of the year with his normal teacher. He never really did adjust and by this time last year I could tell he was over school. Luckily with his birthday and a week long spring break, Caleb got the rest he needed to push through April, but come May, he was ready to be done. And I felt the same.
I feel the same way this year. It was around this time I was ready for summer and to have my son back with me every day all day. Spring break was so very welcomed and we enjoyed the time together as a family. Caleb and Hannies birthdays along with Easter were a great distraction through the month of April, but come May we were ready for long beach days.
Tomorrow is calebs class party and Thursday is a half day. Friday starts spring break and I’m hoping we can spend time together as a family for all of it. I know with Hannies birthday coming up soon, April will fly by and we’ll be in May. May was the toughest month so I’m preparing myself now. It seems forever long when you’re just so done with school.
I’m ready for summer. It’s been cold too long this march. I’m ready for the beach, rainy days inside baking and playing with my three kids, pool days, bike rides, ice cream, and having daddy home longer in the mornings and earlier in the evenings. We had such a great time last summer and I can’t wait to do it again.
While I’m ready to have my oldest home with us 24/7, I’m dreading that last day of school because it won’t be long after that last day of school that the first day of school will come again and I can’t imagine having a second grader. Not only that, my middle guy will be entering kindergarten in September. I’ll have two kids in school. For the first time in five and a half years, I’ll be home with only one kid. I’m not ready for it.
This year has been tough. Caleb hasn’t enjoyed school as much as last year. He says it’s too much work, but I think it’s more then that. None of his friends from last year are in his class and he’s had a hard time adjusting to a new teacher. Sending him to school knowing he doesn’t want to be there has been very difficult. There are some days he’s ok with going, like when there’s a holiday party, but most weeks when there’s nothing to look forward to, he always asks to stay home.
This has been hard on my mamas heart. Part of me what’s to keep him home but part of me wants him to learn and understand sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to. Regardless, it’s been a tough year, his birthday is coming up, and we are all counting down the days until summer.
Thinking about this time last year and I remember how Caleb was starting to get sick of school. His teacher had gone out on maternity leave and the log term substitute took over. Caleb had a hard time adjusting to a new teacher after he had spent most of the year with his normal teacher. He never really did adjust and by this time last year I could tell he was over school. Luckily with his birthday and a week long spring break, Caleb got the rest he needed to push through April, but come May, he was ready to be done. And I felt the same.
I feel the same way this year. It was around this time I was ready for summer and to have my son back with me every day all day. Spring break was so very welcomed and we enjoyed the time together as a family. Caleb and Hannies birthdays along with Easter were a great distraction through the month of April, but come May we were ready for long beach days.
Tomorrow is calebs class party and Thursday is a half day. Friday starts spring break and I’m hoping we can spend time together as a family for all of it. I know with Hannies birthday coming up soon, April will fly by and we’ll be in May. May was the toughest month so I’m preparing myself now. It seems forever long when you’re just so done with school.
I’m ready for summer. It’s been cold too long this march. I’m ready for the beach, rainy days inside baking and playing with my three kids, pool days, bike rides, ice cream, and having daddy home longer in the mornings and earlier in the evenings. We had such a great time last summer and I can’t wait to do it again.
While I’m ready to have my oldest home with us 24/7, I’m dreading that last day of school because it won’t be long after that last day of school that the first day of school will come again and I can’t imagine having a second grader. Not only that, my middle guy will be entering kindergarten in September. I’ll have two kids in school. For the first time in five and a half years, I’ll be home with only one kid. I’m not ready for it.
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