Last Year Was BIG, This Year Is small

I haven't posted in a long time, but what better time to start back up than now, the beginning of a new year?! The past year has been difficult physically, emotionally, and mentally. I spent a lot of time focusing on myself and trying to get better in all areas. I finally feel I have entered into a period of rest and can begin focusing on things outside of myself and health in general. I don't have BIG plans for this year, just a few thoughts. First, here's a little recap of the past year.

As I sat in church yesterday and thought about this time last year, I realized how different things were in my life. This time last year, I found myself coming out of a difficult period health wise. I was so grateful for what God had done in my life that I was completely on fire for Him, willing and ready to do as much Kingdom work as I could. My husband and I put off having a third child so I could focus solely on God and doing more for Him. I even quit my online teaching job because I felt it got in the way of what I really wanted to be doing. I craved to be completely immersed in God's work.

As I prayed and prayed for an opportunity to do more for God, it wasn't until April that I found out about a new MOPS group starting up in our area. Something clicked in my spirit when I heard about it and I knew right away it was where God wanted me. I wanted to become involved in MOPS leadership for several years, but it just never seemed to work out. I always had a desire for MOPS, but I just kept feeling like it wasn't the right time just yet. Last April finally felt like the right time and that desire for MOPS was overwhelming. I still thank God for the opportunity to be a part of this wonderful group and for the chance to work with the most amazing women.

Aside from this, my personal life was difficult. From health crisis to ministry crisis, life was hard and I often found myself crying out to God for relief. Many times I felt like God was kicking me when I was down and that things couldn't get worse than they already were, but they always did (there is a completely different testimony about that and I will share that when I'm ready). That is why I am grateful for this period of rest right now. Nothing is perfect, but nothing is falling apart.

Which brings me to now: pregnant with our third child with life going, dare I say, fairly smoothly (compared to the past year). My position spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, is all very different from last year. I can't say that I am totally ready and willing to hit the ground running for God like last year, but I believe it's because God has me in a different spot for a reason.

Last year I desired to do and completely expected to do great things for God. And I expected Him to move BIG. This year, God is impressing upon my heart to focus on the small, the little things that really matter. Things like: being more patient with my kids and enjoying my time with them, spending more time with friends and taking the time to make them feel special, taking more time for my husband and family in general, loving more, especially strangers and spreading the love of God, having a better attitude toward life and people, and appreciating each day as a gift.

While all of this will be tough since there are a lot of days where I feel completely depleted, stressed out, and like I can't sacrifice one more ounce, I really believe this is what God has placed on my heart for the year. With His strength, it is all possible and I am excited to see how the little things that I attempt to do have a big impact for Him.

When We Truly Grasp His LOVE...

nothing else matters. Really.

About a year ago, I was attending an amazing Bible Study. I was growing by leaps and bounds and learning so much. We were studying a book called Waking the Dead. It taught our group to dive deep into God's love for us and understand His purpose while being aware of the spiritual battle going on around us. It was deep, but it was good.


After one night specifically, I left our study so full of God's love. I don't know exactly what it was or how it all happened, but I remember getting into my car to drive home and just feeling God's love all around me. It was intense, but so very REAL. I remember thinking that I could die at that very moment, leave my family, kids, and friends all behind and I wouldn't even care because I'd be with my Savior, my precious, glorious Savior.

Did she just say she could leave her kids and be okay with it? LOL yes! I remember watching this program about people who died and came back to life. Some people weren't dead long enough to experience much of anything, but one woman in particular who died found herself standing before Jesus in the after life. She stood and talked with Him and when He told her she had to go back, she begged Him to stay. She said when she came to in her present life, she couldn't believe that she would want to leave her kids, but she said His love and presence was so amazing that nothing else mattered. I remember watching and thinking, 'she must not love her kids that much then!'

After that night after Bible Study though, I knew exactly what she was talking about. Imagine if everyone experienced God's love on that level every day! Imagine if we were all so embraced in His love how effective we would be and how much we would shine for His glory! Our world would truly be different.

Seek His face and His perfect, intense, pure, real love. He created us because He wanted others to experience that love so go find it!! It's there for the taking!

Because He loves us..

There is something I want to share. It's been along time since this situation happened, but it's time I talked about how God took a hurtful, bad situation and turned it around for good in His own time, in His own way.

A long time ago, I was a liar. I was a cheater. I was a stealer, a jealous, self indulged, unrighteous, sexually immoral mess. I had a set of issues I was dealing with and instead of handing them over to God, praying without ceasing, and asking others for prayer, I tired to fix my mess of a life in my own way and ended up making it worse. In the process, I hurt people around me, and damaged relationships I'll never get back.

The details of my mess are too lengthly to explain, but you can easily assume plenty from the adjectives people used to describe me in the past (yes, people said those things to me). Naturally, I thought I was justified in the way I acted, but looking back, it was wrong, and it hurt a lot of people. It hurt me too. Yes, I was the one lying and causing the problems, but when a group of people turn on you and never forgive you, it hurts and it makes you believe you really are a bad person. I only made things worse by walking far from the spirit of God.

Years after I damaged several unfixable friendships, I'd still have nightmares about it and wake up feeling like trash. Satan wanted to remind me of how awful I was, how those people still feel about me, and how I'm still a sinner no matter what I do. It took a lot of prayer and seeking God to be able to put that hurt all behind me and thankfully, all because I serve a gracious, merciful God, He was able to mend my brokenness and turn a bad situation to good.

See, I've learned how lying hurts people, so with prayer and healing, I strive to speak only truth. I've seen how a self indulgent attitude can offend others, so I strive to be more of a giver and lover on a daily basis. I've experienced how unrighteousness hurts people, so I strive to be more righteous daily. And thankfully, I haven't hurt more people because of those things since this one bad experience.

See, God took that bad, hurtful, damaged situation and made me a better person. Had that situation not happened, would I strive to speak truth EVERY day? Maybe not. I would not see the importance of it. If that situation hadn't happened, would I value humility? Probably not. And righteousness? Definitely not.

It was a life experience that some would agree HAD to happen for me to learn these things. Thankfully, God was with me through it all, had mercy on me and I was able to get through it with only a few damaged relationships. Could there have been more damaged friendships? Maybe. Less? Maybe. I'm glad that time is over and God has changed me. I'm glad there was an important life lesson. And I'm glad God healed me and used it to make me a better person for His purpose. With God, no matter what it is, He can turn it for good because He loves us.

Tired Mamas

Lately, life has been stressful. To sum it up, I'm simply a tired, worn out mama of two sick boys who is not feeling well herself and has a bad case of cabin fever in these dark, cold, winter days. It's during these times when my emotions get the best of me and I get stressed easily, frustrated quickly, and overwhelmed constantly.

Knowing that I cannot operate at my fullest mom potential in this state, I decided to take control. I made a promise to myself that while the kids were eating breakfast each morning, I would read a short devotional to start my day off on the right track. And by no coincidence this morning, I stumbled upon numerous "mom devotionals" about peace. How appropriate.

A few verses spoke to me and eased my nerves:

Psalm 4:8 - In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety. (NIV)

Isaiah 26:3-4 - You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust You. Trust in the Lord forever for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal. (NIV)

My prayer for all tired mamas today is that the Lord would impart peace to every aspect of your lives and that you would find rest in his presence.

The Testimony of our Home

God always moves in our lives. Sometimes we see it, sometimes we're too busy to notice. Nonetheless, He moves and in the situation with our house, He moved His mighty hand. Here is the testimony of our new house.

It all started back in October 2013. We began house hunting after our second son was born. We loved our condo and it served us well for five years, but with two little ones, we felt we were outgrowing it. Thus began the house hunt.

After falling in and out of love with numerous houses, we realized without renting out our condo for a bit, we would not qualify for another mortgage. We were heartbroken, but we trusted God and moved on.

What a blessing it was to have neighbors who were looking for a bigger condo to rent. We had no problem finding renters and no problem finding a place to stay while we rented. My parents happily took us in to help us out. We are forever grateful to them for sacrificing their space to our family of four.

So much happened in the midst of a few months. In December 2013, we moved from our condo, rented it to someone else, moved into my parents house, and my husband got a new job. He left his old one due to a toxic work environment. The timing for his new job couldn't be more perfect. His new job was awesome, but he would have to take a fairly large pay cut. However, since we were living with my parents my husband was able to leave his current job for a better one. As scary as it was to see the pay cut, we had peace and knew God had His hand in it all.

A few months after John started his new job, an opening for a new position that offered more money opened up. John's boss graciously gave him the 'go ahead' to apply. Long story short, he got the job and was making as much money as he was at the job he left. It was practically a lateral move money wise. How awesome is our God?

Once John got the new job, we immediately started house hunting. We approached the situation hesitantly, knowing not to fall in love with anything too quickly. We really wanted to be led by God and we asked Him to guide us.

After looking at a few houses and feeling like our Realtor was too busy for us, I decided to fast and pray for our new house. In the midst of prayer one day, a Realtor that I had contacted previously called me. He was saying everything I wanted to hear, everything I prayed for. I knew in the midst of conversation, he was going to be our Realtor. I had no doubt in my mind a divine appointment had taken place.

We continued our house hunt and we liked the houses, but we couldn't find something that suited us. Yes, we were a bit picky, but I felt that God gave us certain desires and that He wanted to give us those desires. "It's nice, but not for us," was a popular phrase. So, we continued to pray.

Then one day, our Realtor suggested a house for us to see that he had listed. We went to see it right away. The house was gorgeous and it had everything we wanted and more, but it was a bit on the tiny side especially compared to the houses we saw in one town over. I walked out and said, "it's nice, but it's small, so I don't think it's for us." My husband immediately responded, "But it's a nice house and no work needs to be done. I don't think we should cross this off our list just yet."

I have to admit, I was a bit shocked. John was just as hesitant about our hunt as I was, sometimes even more than I was, so I was surprised that he was actually considering this house. Another thing too, it was way out of our price range, but our Realtor told us it could still work out since he was the listing agent. We said we'd think about it and get back to him.

A couple days passed and something clicked inside of us. Both John and I just felt this was the house for us. We called our Realtor right away and said we'd like to put an offer in, BUT the owner would have to come down on the asking price, it was just way too much money.

There was a bit of a situation with the owner. She had put a lot of money into the house and couldn't come down much more without ending up in a short sale. The price wouldn't budge as much as we wanted it to.

So we prayed, and we negotiated. We went back and forth all day one day. We questioned God and made sure this was the right house. In the midst of negotiations, John and I felt a peace about it all and came to an agreement: we would set a price we would pay for the house and not budge. No, the owner couldn't come down anymore, but we trusted that God would work it out somehow if it was meant to be. By no coincidence, our Realtor called us with that exact price.

God moved greatly in our lives. Because the Realtor was the listing agent on the house and also our Realtor, he was able to cut his commission to get us to the price we wanted to pay for the house. It would not have been possible otherwise because the owner still owed too much on the house. It would have not been possible with another Realtor. No doubt God had His hand in it from the beginning.

Five months later, we are happily settled in our new home and it has everything we wanted and more! Both John and I desired a house: close to the bike path (we are seven house down), in a specific town with a specific school district (we got that too), and with a yard for the kids to play (got that). John specifically desired a house that didn't need any fixing up and this house met that desire. I desired a basement for the kids to play and although it wasn't finished when we moved in, my amazing father in law finished it for us!

Something small I desired that really wasn't that big of a deal, but I REALLY wanted was a lamppost out front. Our house came with that, too.

As I finish this beautiful testimony of how awesome our God is and how He worked in our lives to give us the perfect house, I sit and listen to the church bells that are ringing. The bells were not a request or desire, just an added perk from our AMAZING God.

Matthew 6:26

Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?
- Matthew 6:26

That was the "word for the day." We've all heard that verse so many times. It's by no coincidence that this morning right before I read that word I was staring at our dwindling bank statement online. I looked at our balance and thought, 'ughhh, so many bills, so little money." 

Although for the first time in my entire life I have had less worry about money, handling our finances can be draining, watching money come in and then watching it go back out. However, God continues to take care of us. We have been beyond blessed. Both John and I have been offered several 'jobs' to make extra money to help with our never ending bills. 

I have no doubt in my mind that God will always take care of us and anyone else who trusts Him. We want for nothing. We have it all: food to eat, clothes to wear, TV to watch, lights to turn on, heat to keep us warm, and the list goes on. We have it all. 

Thank you Lord. And thank you for those bills, because if we didn't have those bills, then we wouldn't have all the things I just listed. 

Doubt

Ever since the death of a close family friend I've been struggling with doubt. I've been doubting God on all levels, right down to His existence. I couldn't seem to understand why such a loving God could snuff out a life so quickly and without warning. In the midst of me trying to figure it all out, I couldn't seem to find God in death or in any other life circumstance for that matter. God seemed to just disappear.
I struggled trying to see Him in my everyday. I couldn't see Him in nature like some. I couldn't see Him in my kids like before. I couldn't see Him at church, at Bible Study, or in conversation about Him. Where did He go when I felt I needed to see and feel Him the most?
Shortly after our dear friend's passing, I ended up in the ER with a health issue. I was pretty much traumatized by the event and no matter how hard I prayed or tried to find God, it seemed as if He wasn't there. I felt so abandoned and betrayed.
In the days following my ER visit, God felt even more silent and distant, and my doubt in His existence was even worse. I was so convinced God didn't exist that I was ready to start telling everyone He didn't exist. Why wasn't He showing up in the midst of such turmoil when I needed Him most? Clearly because He wasn't really there.
With all that was happening with life and my desperate attempt to find a non-existing God, I became depressed and was surrendering my days to sadness and depression before I opened my eyes. I cried a lot, worried more, and lost all patience with anything that was in front of me. I was in a rip current of depression and fear and no matter how hard I tried to swim to God (or anything positive for that matter), I wasn't going anywhere. I was tired physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Then there was Bible Study. This past week's Bible Study was unique. Our usual fearless leader, had work and a new fearless leader would be filling in. I offered up our house for BS as the meeting place to switch things up a bit. That Wednesday morning I was kicking myself. The rip current was pulling me deeper into the ocean and the last place I wanted to be was at BS. I even felt that if BS was at it's usual meeting place, I wouldn't go. Part of me contemplated hiding in my bedroom all night, avoiding everyone, including God, but part of me knew the best place for me to be (given my current state) was at BS. So, I reluctantly obliged to whatever it was that was telling me to go.
Our leader began Bible Study with, "So, we're going to talk about doubt." Really? I did a little chuckle to myself as I knew this study was God's way of revealing Himself to me, but there was also a part of me that thought it might just be coincidence.
As our group shared some of the things they doubted about God, I felt a little better knowing I wasn't alone. However, I was still so skeptical and as that pesky rip current tugged at my heart, I desperately wanted BS to end so I could continue to drown in my depression. It was so much easier to let it pull at me than to fight it.
Toward the end of BS, our leader said something along the lines of being obsessed with researching archeological facts of Jesus's existence on this earth over the past week in preparation for BS. Immediately I thought, "oh God, please don't read them all." He seemed reluctant at first to read them since our conversation with the group had kind of gone off in a different direction, but he decided to read them anyway.
He read the first one and I kind of rolled my eyes. Then, he read the second. And it was like all of a sudden, something inside me clicked. All my doubt disappeared and it was as if I found Jesus again. He existed and there was no doubt about it anymore. And because He existed, His Word existed. And because His Word existed, His promises existed. And because His promises existed, He never left me, He still loved me, He still cared, and He comforted me. All because He EXISTED. He is alive. And He was and is alive in me. My spirit had been renewed and refreshed and I felt like I had made it back onto the beach out of the rip current.
I imagine that if someone was studying my body language at that moment, that my entire demeanor changed. I imagine I sat up straighter and my facial expression showed happiness and peace, instead of sadness and fear. I had found Jesus again and it seemed so simple and obvious. After all my desperate attempts to find Him left me exhausted, all it took was a fellow brother in the Lord to mention some simple, but very true facts. It changed my life.
The next morning I woke up differently. Instead of handing my day over to the devil, I woke up ready to fight for my day. And I'm happy to say I won. I didn't let anything hinder my thoughts or happiness. It was the best day I had in weeks.
God is very much in existence, even when we can't see Him or find Him. And I know there are times we are so desperate for Him and it seems at those desperate moments He goes silent. But immerse yourself in Him in every way possible. Focus your thoughts on Him, go to Bible Study (even when you don't feel like it), go to church, and surround yourself with believers who can encourage you. I can guarantee you will find God and that He will meet you somewhere. He has yet to not meet me. I always find Him.