...when a few passionate people gather together and sing praises to God, amazing things happen...
...life isn't about us, it's about God...
...we're doing something right when we give up our successes for the success of God...
What I've decided I'm going to do about what I learned..
...I'm offering myself up to God to do amazing things with me...
...all for His glory...
.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Persistence
Saturday night at church was hard for me. I've been struggling since the whole job situation happened. At the end of church, John asked if anyone had a prayer request. I was VERY hesitant to bombard people with my issues and did not plan on saying anything. All of a sudden though, my mouth opened and I spoke.
Like I said, I wasn't planning on saying anything, but it was like something hit me on the back and made me speak (not physically of course). I said, "yeah, I have one. I'm just really struggling..." Honestly, I had a hard time explaining what I was struggling with because I wasn't even exactly sure what was bothering me, but I knew there was something. I feel like I rambled a bit until I actually figured out what it was. It was the fact that the whole job situation hurt me so bad that I turned from God for a bit and the spirit in me was struggling to get back to a deeper relationship with Him. I craved that deep connection I had before, but I couldn't get back there.
As I talked it out with my church family (who just so happens to be my REAL family), my father in law said the most profound thing that rung loudly in my ears. I have to tell you real quick. My father in law is an amazing man of God. Every time I talk to him, he says something that sticks with me, challenges me, or makes me think. He blows me mind with how knowledgeable he is. If you want an edifying, deep conversation about Jesus, call my father in law. He's good for that.
I digress, moving on. As I talked about my struggles, my father in law said something about persistence, and that we can't turn our backs on God and expect to go right back to a deep relationship with Him like before. God wants us to prove our faith by persistence. As soon as he said that word, persistence, I knew it was what God wanted me to hear. That word kept playing over and over and over in my head.
Fast forward a few days to today. As I'm running on the treadmill rocking out to my worship music, God reminded me of something. Bare with me as I try and explain....
A few weeks ago when we had that major storm and the power went out, we all got a taste of what people in third world countries go through day in and day out. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but having no electricity and no water during the dog days of summer was pretty bad.
During the few days without power, I tried to picture life as if this were the new normal. Would I still praise God when I was sweating bullets, with no AC, little food, no TV, no internet, with no relief in sight? I can't answer that and I hope I never have to experience that. But as I was thinking about that, I thought about those people in third world countries where they've been praying for years for God to help them. I started thinking about the Israelites in captivity and how they prayed for years. Would I be able to persist? Would I turn on God because He didn't answer my prayers fast enough? What would I do?
In a weird way, after the power outage, I asked God to teach me persistence. Because what if one day I'm called to the mission field and I get taken hostage (yes, I do think about those things)? Would I be one of those missionaries people talk about that knew they were going to die, but praised God til the end? Or what if we lose power again and we never get it back? Would I still be able to praise God when life took such a drastic turn for the worst? God reminded me of these thoughts today.
Two weeks after the power outage, God gave me exactly what I asked of Him. The job situation was a lesson about persistence. It was a lesson in praising Him anyway, even when things don't go my way. A lesson in trusting Him, no matter what.
Two weeks ago, I never thought I'd say this, but I found myself today thanking God for the trials. It's grown me, grown my faith, and made me a better person for Him.
I have to say, learning persistence is hard for me. I'm not used to waiting. I've always gotten what I wanted when I wanted it. After all, I am the baby of the family. Since the day I was born, I was doted upon by an older brother who thought I was the coolest thing since ice pops and pretzels, and my parents who longed for a baby girl. To this day, I am abundantly spoiled by my family and specifically by my husband. He gives me what I want and showers me with love and affection constantly. I don't need persistence in this human life...
But I need it in my spiritual life. And God knew that. So, here I am...learning persistence....
Like I said, I wasn't planning on saying anything, but it was like something hit me on the back and made me speak (not physically of course). I said, "yeah, I have one. I'm just really struggling..." Honestly, I had a hard time explaining what I was struggling with because I wasn't even exactly sure what was bothering me, but I knew there was something. I feel like I rambled a bit until I actually figured out what it was. It was the fact that the whole job situation hurt me so bad that I turned from God for a bit and the spirit in me was struggling to get back to a deeper relationship with Him. I craved that deep connection I had before, but I couldn't get back there.
As I talked it out with my church family (who just so happens to be my REAL family), my father in law said the most profound thing that rung loudly in my ears. I have to tell you real quick. My father in law is an amazing man of God. Every time I talk to him, he says something that sticks with me, challenges me, or makes me think. He blows me mind with how knowledgeable he is. If you want an edifying, deep conversation about Jesus, call my father in law. He's good for that.
I digress, moving on. As I talked about my struggles, my father in law said something about persistence, and that we can't turn our backs on God and expect to go right back to a deep relationship with Him like before. God wants us to prove our faith by persistence. As soon as he said that word, persistence, I knew it was what God wanted me to hear. That word kept playing over and over and over in my head.
Fast forward a few days to today. As I'm running on the treadmill rocking out to my worship music, God reminded me of something. Bare with me as I try and explain....
A few weeks ago when we had that major storm and the power went out, we all got a taste of what people in third world countries go through day in and day out. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but having no electricity and no water during the dog days of summer was pretty bad.
During the few days without power, I tried to picture life as if this were the new normal. Would I still praise God when I was sweating bullets, with no AC, little food, no TV, no internet, with no relief in sight? I can't answer that and I hope I never have to experience that. But as I was thinking about that, I thought about those people in third world countries where they've been praying for years for God to help them. I started thinking about the Israelites in captivity and how they prayed for years. Would I be able to persist? Would I turn on God because He didn't answer my prayers fast enough? What would I do?
In a weird way, after the power outage, I asked God to teach me persistence. Because what if one day I'm called to the mission field and I get taken hostage (yes, I do think about those things)? Would I be one of those missionaries people talk about that knew they were going to die, but praised God til the end? Or what if we lose power again and we never get it back? Would I still be able to praise God when life took such a drastic turn for the worst? God reminded me of these thoughts today.
Two weeks after the power outage, God gave me exactly what I asked of Him. The job situation was a lesson about persistence. It was a lesson in praising Him anyway, even when things don't go my way. A lesson in trusting Him, no matter what.
Two weeks ago, I never thought I'd say this, but I found myself today thanking God for the trials. It's grown me, grown my faith, and made me a better person for Him.
I have to say, learning persistence is hard for me. I'm not used to waiting. I've always gotten what I wanted when I wanted it. After all, I am the baby of the family. Since the day I was born, I was doted upon by an older brother who thought I was the coolest thing since ice pops and pretzels, and my parents who longed for a baby girl. To this day, I am abundantly spoiled by my family and specifically by my husband. He gives me what I want and showers me with love and affection constantly. I don't need persistence in this human life...
But I need it in my spiritual life. And God knew that. So, here I am...learning persistence....
Friday, July 20, 2012
Only God could turn something bad into something good
So much has happened since I last posted. For awhile I thought my latest post would be about God's awesome power and faithfulness, and although He continues to be both of those things, my post won't be about that. At least I don't think it'll be about that.....
I'm not even sure where this post will go. What I do know is that I will share with you what God has been doing in my life and maybe along the way, I'll find or learn something I didn't see before. So here it goes...
Last week, John and I received some bad news about a job situation. We were pretty distraught, upset, and crushed. I can't speak for John, but I really thought things were going to work out in our favor. When they didn't, both John and I were confused. Why had God allowed this to happen again when we asked Him to close doors if it wasn't His will? Didn't He hear our specific prayers? If He cares about us, how could He do this to us, for the FOURTH time? (By fourth, I mean that three other similar situations happened over the past three years).
I was so angry at God that in my mind I pictured throwing things at Him, but it only made me more mad that I couldn't REALLY throw anything at Him. I said I wouldn't speak to Him for a long time. I told Him I needed some space. I just didn't want to talk to or spend time with a God that hurt me so badly. I couldn't see any good in what happened and I knew better than to ask 'why?' So, I went on with life ignoring God as best as I could.
There was a situation that happened to me three years ago (unrelated to what I referred to in the beginning of this post). I was so drained emotionally and spiritually from it that I needed a break from God. I was so confused and hurt that I wasn't sure I could ever trust God again. So, I ignored Him and pretended He wasn't there. It took me three months to acknowledge God again and even after I acknowledged Him, it took a few more months to get back to where I was spiritually. It took some time before I could really trust Him again.
Fast forward three years to last week. Again, I was in a situation where I was angry with God and felt like it would take some time before I could acknowledge Him or trust Him again. I expected it take a few months, just like last time. However, this time, it was only a few days before I was 'back to normal.'
Nothing was different this time. I was equally as hurt and upset. Maybe my being able to 'recover' more quickly means I've grown and matured in my faith..who knows. Either way, I'm glad I was able to move past all of it more quickly this time, even though it hasn't been easy. There's still a part of me that's hurt and confused. I still don't understand why God would allow what happened to happen, but I'm able to put it behind me and move forward.
During all of this, someone said to me, "What shows and proves our faith is our ability to move forward and continue to praise God regardless. That's faith." This really stuck with me. It hit a chord inside me. For whatever reason, something in me wanted to prove to God I could handle a 'hard hit.' I wanted to prove I could be faithful even in my darkest hour. So instead of ignoring God and staying angry at Him, I mustered up the ounce of faith I felt I had left and stood firm on trusting Him again. And let me tell you, it's not easy. There are days, where I think I can't or don't want to trust Him because I am reminded of the 'bad' things He's allowed in my life, but I continue to strive even when part of me doubts God.
Like I said, it hasn't exactly been easy trusting God again. Although it took me a few days to trust Him again, it's still taking some time to get back to where I was before. So, I began begging God for a Word, something that will let me know He still cares, He still hears me, and that He still loves me. This was something I needed that would help me trust again. I prayed every time I went out that someone would come up to me with a Word. I would have accepted it from any one...I was so desperate to hear something from God. You might be wondering why I didn't directly ask Him for a Word. Well, I just wasn't ready yet. I needed it to come from somewhere else. I didn't have the energy to pray and I really needed God to prove Himself to me again. I wanted to see His power. I wanted something deep.
Fast forward a few days. I kept getting invited to this Bible Study/Prayer Meeting, but I kept saying no. It was on the night that we host our own Bible Study at our condo and I felt like I needed to be home. Aside from that, I was tired and drained from the day's events. I just couldn't make it. Then, toward the end of our bible study, something happened. Have you ever had a feeling like you were supposed to be some place? Or maybe a feeling that you were supposed to leave a place? Or maybe a feeling inside that told you to take another way home and you found out later you avoided an accident? I guess you could say that I had some feeling inside of me that told me I needed to get to that meeting.
I debated going. I had stayed for our bible study and it was getting late. I wasn't sure anyone would be at the other bible study I was invited to, but the feeling inside me told me to go. So, I went. I got there two hours after it started and everyone was still there, by no mistake, I'm sure.
I talked to several people and it was so refreshing. I felt good just being there. Then, I was prayed for. I didn't really expect anything to come out of being prayed for, to be honest. I just thought, oh, all these awesome people are just going to pray for me and that will be it. But a few seconds into the prayer, God gave someone a Word for me. I listened carefully as this man I just met gave me this Word. At first, I was a little confused on where he was going with this Word, but then it all made sense.
The reason I was confused in the beginning was because I did not expect God to say something so personal. Of all the things that God could have told me, He chose to address something that was so personal and important to me. He really did care about me. He really did love me. And He gave me a Word I needed to hear that would help me love Him and trust Him again. This changed me.
I still can't believe God chose to give me a Word based on something so personal. The people praying for me, were actually praying for something totally unrelated to what the Word was! It just reminds me how I serve such a personal God. A God who wants a personal relationship with me...little ol me. I'm nothing special, but God, the creator of the universe, wants a personal relationship with ME! It's just amazing.
So as awesome as this post would have been if things would have worked out the way I had hoped, I'm kinda glad they didn't. I think this post is even more awesome since things didn't work out like planned. I learned something through it all and God proved Himself to me once again. And to top it off, I received a Word specifically for me from God. That's pretty awesome!
I'm not even sure where this post will go. What I do know is that I will share with you what God has been doing in my life and maybe along the way, I'll find or learn something I didn't see before. So here it goes...
Last week, John and I received some bad news about a job situation. We were pretty distraught, upset, and crushed. I can't speak for John, but I really thought things were going to work out in our favor. When they didn't, both John and I were confused. Why had God allowed this to happen again when we asked Him to close doors if it wasn't His will? Didn't He hear our specific prayers? If He cares about us, how could He do this to us, for the FOURTH time? (By fourth, I mean that three other similar situations happened over the past three years).
I was so angry at God that in my mind I pictured throwing things at Him, but it only made me more mad that I couldn't REALLY throw anything at Him. I said I wouldn't speak to Him for a long time. I told Him I needed some space. I just didn't want to talk to or spend time with a God that hurt me so badly. I couldn't see any good in what happened and I knew better than to ask 'why?' So, I went on with life ignoring God as best as I could.
There was a situation that happened to me three years ago (unrelated to what I referred to in the beginning of this post). I was so drained emotionally and spiritually from it that I needed a break from God. I was so confused and hurt that I wasn't sure I could ever trust God again. So, I ignored Him and pretended He wasn't there. It took me three months to acknowledge God again and even after I acknowledged Him, it took a few more months to get back to where I was spiritually. It took some time before I could really trust Him again.
Fast forward three years to last week. Again, I was in a situation where I was angry with God and felt like it would take some time before I could acknowledge Him or trust Him again. I expected it take a few months, just like last time. However, this time, it was only a few days before I was 'back to normal.'
Nothing was different this time. I was equally as hurt and upset. Maybe my being able to 'recover' more quickly means I've grown and matured in my faith..who knows. Either way, I'm glad I was able to move past all of it more quickly this time, even though it hasn't been easy. There's still a part of me that's hurt and confused. I still don't understand why God would allow what happened to happen, but I'm able to put it behind me and move forward.
During all of this, someone said to me, "What shows and proves our faith is our ability to move forward and continue to praise God regardless. That's faith." This really stuck with me. It hit a chord inside me. For whatever reason, something in me wanted to prove to God I could handle a 'hard hit.' I wanted to prove I could be faithful even in my darkest hour. So instead of ignoring God and staying angry at Him, I mustered up the ounce of faith I felt I had left and stood firm on trusting Him again. And let me tell you, it's not easy. There are days, where I think I can't or don't want to trust Him because I am reminded of the 'bad' things He's allowed in my life, but I continue to strive even when part of me doubts God.
Like I said, it hasn't exactly been easy trusting God again. Although it took me a few days to trust Him again, it's still taking some time to get back to where I was before. So, I began begging God for a Word, something that will let me know He still cares, He still hears me, and that He still loves me. This was something I needed that would help me trust again. I prayed every time I went out that someone would come up to me with a Word. I would have accepted it from any one...I was so desperate to hear something from God. You might be wondering why I didn't directly ask Him for a Word. Well, I just wasn't ready yet. I needed it to come from somewhere else. I didn't have the energy to pray and I really needed God to prove Himself to me again. I wanted to see His power. I wanted something deep.
Fast forward a few days. I kept getting invited to this Bible Study/Prayer Meeting, but I kept saying no. It was on the night that we host our own Bible Study at our condo and I felt like I needed to be home. Aside from that, I was tired and drained from the day's events. I just couldn't make it. Then, toward the end of our bible study, something happened. Have you ever had a feeling like you were supposed to be some place? Or maybe a feeling that you were supposed to leave a place? Or maybe a feeling inside that told you to take another way home and you found out later you avoided an accident? I guess you could say that I had some feeling inside of me that told me I needed to get to that meeting.
I debated going. I had stayed for our bible study and it was getting late. I wasn't sure anyone would be at the other bible study I was invited to, but the feeling inside me told me to go. So, I went. I got there two hours after it started and everyone was still there, by no mistake, I'm sure.
I talked to several people and it was so refreshing. I felt good just being there. Then, I was prayed for. I didn't really expect anything to come out of being prayed for, to be honest. I just thought, oh, all these awesome people are just going to pray for me and that will be it. But a few seconds into the prayer, God gave someone a Word for me. I listened carefully as this man I just met gave me this Word. At first, I was a little confused on where he was going with this Word, but then it all made sense.
The reason I was confused in the beginning was because I did not expect God to say something so personal. Of all the things that God could have told me, He chose to address something that was so personal and important to me. He really did care about me. He really did love me. And He gave me a Word I needed to hear that would help me love Him and trust Him again. This changed me.
I still can't believe God chose to give me a Word based on something so personal. The people praying for me, were actually praying for something totally unrelated to what the Word was! It just reminds me how I serve such a personal God. A God who wants a personal relationship with me...little ol me. I'm nothing special, but God, the creator of the universe, wants a personal relationship with ME! It's just amazing.
So as awesome as this post would have been if things would have worked out the way I had hoped, I'm kinda glad they didn't. I think this post is even more awesome since things didn't work out like planned. I learned something through it all and God proved Himself to me once again. And to top it off, I received a Word specifically for me from God. That's pretty awesome!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
My Baby Boy - Caleb's Birth Story
My EDD was Tuesday, March 29. Since I had been dilated almost 2 cm and effaced 75% for 3 weeks, I assumed Caleb would come early, and I wasn't the only one who thought this. Each week at my doctor's appointments, my midwives assured me that I would not be late, and that I would most likely deliver early. I had no problem with this. In fact at 37 weeks, I was ready to be done being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, being pregnant is the most exciting, beautiful thing in the world, but at 37 weeks, I was uncomfortable, my back ached terribly unless I was lying down, and I desperately wanted my body back. So I mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared to have my first born son earlier than expected.
As my EDD got closer, I was getting more and more anxious. So the weekend before, I made a list of everything I knew that could induce labor. You name it, I tried...except for the castor oil. I heard that makes life 'interesting' when it comes to your bowels and I wasn't down with that. So my darling husband and I walked, jogged, bounced, jumped, squatted, bounced some more, 'did the deed' (if you know what I'm sayin), and walked some more. I had a few Braxton Hicks, but that was it. Nothing else.
My DD came and went and I was distraught. I needed to see a light at the end of this very long tunnel so I begged my midwife to schedule an induction for me. I didn't want or plan for an induction, but I was getting desperate and like I said, I needed to see an end. One was scheduled for me on April 4, a week after my DD.
I was so sure I was having little man before his DD that I actually slept on a pile of towels in anticipation of my water breaking in the middle of the night. Of course my efforts were all in vain because that never happened. I woke up the morning after my EDD at 8am (March 30) and decided there was one last thing I could try to induce labor and that one thing kinda freaked me out. My sister in law had suggested it and although it freaked me out, I was desperate so I tried it. You're wondering what it is, right? I'm gonna keep it real here for a moment and just say, I did the nipple stimulation thing. It was weird and very awkward, but I was by myself so I thought what the hay?!
Well let me tell you, it worked, 10 seconds later I was having contractions. They were 8 minutes apart for about an hour. At first I was in denial that it could actually be time, especially because the 'feelings' I was experiencing were not at all like cramps like some people described. The sensations I was feeling felt like my butt was falling off. Weird, right?
Anyway, once the sensations stopped, I decided to have a light breakfast and then take a nap. If this was the real thing, I wanted to be well rested, so 10 minutes after the contractions stopped, I was back asleep. I slept about an hour and a half only to be woken up by more contractions. They weren't painful, just kept feeling like my butt was falling off. I didn't bother timing them because they didn't hurt, but I made it my plan to just stay home and hang out to see what happened.
The contractions were sporadic and varied in intensity. Some I could barely feel, some made me bend over, but overall, I was fine. At around 2 pm, I had one intense contraction that made me bend over and breath through it. This one contraction made me cancel my chiropractor appointment later that afternoon. I did NOT want to be on the table having contractions and not be able to breath or walk through it.
When I called to cancel, the receptionist that I had become friendly with got really excited when I told her I thought I might be in labor. She yelled into the receiver, "Get walking girl!" Honestly, up until this point, walking was not on my list of things to do. I was tired and just feeling blah, but I figured she was right, so I got out our treadmill and started walking. I walked for an hour, took a break, then walked another hour. Walking was just the thing I needed because as soon as I started walking, the contractions got closer together and were longer. I timed them using the timer on the treadmill and noticed they were about 4-5 minutes apart about 1-1:30 minutes long. Most of them I could barely feel, but I did have a few that made me have to stop and bend over to breath through.
After two hours of walking, I took a shower, and got ready to hopefully go to the hospital. My husband came home from work as I was straightening my hair. He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was alright and that I wasn't convinced this was the real thing. He suggested we time the contractions for an hour and see what happens. So we did just that, and after an hour we noticed they were 4 minutes apart, about 1 and 1/2 minutes long. He told me to call my doctor.
When I called my doc and told her what was going on, she told me to head to the hospital to get checked. So my husband and I packed up a few more things and headed to the hospital. One the way, I was praying for longer, stronger, more intense contractions because I still wasn't convinced I was in real labor. If there was ever a time I regretted praying for something, this was that time. Right after I prayed, I got hit with the hardest contraction yet. I remember looking down at my feet in the car and thinking that my butt was going to somehow come out of them. It hurt and I desperately wanted to walk through it, but we were on a major highway, and there was no shoulder. Walking wasn't an option. Luckily, I didn't have another contraction like that one.
We arrived at the hospital. This is where it gets interesting. As soon as we walked through the doors, I decided I was NOT going home. If they turned me away and told me I was going to be pregnant for a few more days, I would have died right then and there. So in an attempt to make sure I wasn't getting sent home, I decided to 'act' like I was in full on hard labor, even though the contractions were painless up until that point (aside from a few intense ones here and there). I bent over like I was dying. I whispered instead of talking loudly. At one point, I told my husband to talk for me because I was too busy selling the idea of me being in hard labor. I made faces like I was in pain. At another point, I fell to the floor, like I was in agony and I made little moans, even though I was totally fine. Looking back, it had to be pretty funny to see this. I must have been doing a good job though because even my husband was buying it.
Finally, in triage and my midwife came in to check my cervix. I was 5 cm! I remember thinking, dang, I got to 5 cm on my own and it was relatively painless, maybe I can do this naturally! But then I remembered all the horror stories I heard and read and fear took over and I asked for an epidural. Do I regret it? A little bit because I do think I could have done it naturally, but honestly, I was just too scared. Everything was so new to me. This was my first baby and I was scared about every little thing simply because I had never experienced it before.
I actually didn't get the epidural for 2 more hours and had progressed to 6 cm by the time I got it, all with little pain. Once I got the epidural, my labor stalled. That's when things got complicated. Caleb's heart rate dropped with each contraction and since I wasn't progressing I was put on pitocin and oxygen. I hated every bit of this. The oxygen mask made me nauseous and the pitocin made me concerned for Caleb. To top it off, I started feeling pain on my left side pretty badly. The anesthesiologist came to give me something for the pain. Whatever he gave me caused my blood pressure to drop dangerously low (something like 50/40). I felt like I was going to die. I remember looking over at him and thinking 'HELP!' but I couldn't talk and everything was going black. I remember everything around him and his trainee was all blurred and I could only see him and the trainee woman talking. He was telling her he knew that my blood pressure might drop so he came prepared. Once he saw me looking like he death, he walked over with some other needle, placed it in my IV and within 5 seconds, I was feeling golden again.
At that point, I started shaking uncontrollably. It was horrible and it was sucking up what little energy I had left. People started praying for me and I stopped shaking. Then, the nurse came in and told me if I didn't progress soon, I was going to need a C-section. I started crying hysterically. I did NOT want a C-section! Again, people started praying and within 10 minutes I was dilated to 7-8. I praised God over and over.
In an instant, a bunch of nurses came in and started prepping my room for the delivery of my baby boy. My midwife checked me again and I was 9 and a half cm. I needed to start pushing. Caleb was still in distress because the cord was wrapped his neck twice, so he had to come fast. I had no urge to push, but my midwife hoped I could push him down.
At this point, I was drained. From the drugs to the shaking to the drama, I wanted a nap, but here I was in the middle of popping out a baby and there was no time for naps. I started pushing not even knowing if I was doing a good job or not. I just pushed like they did in the movies. My midwife and nurse counted to 10. I remember they were counting REALLY slow and by 4 or 5 I was huffing and puffing. I couldn't hold my breath that long! I remember wondering how other women hold their breath til 10, because if I did that, I would have passed out.
Caleb's heart rate dropped during each contraction and pushing made it worse so I was forced to flop from side to side in between contractions. I hated this. Here I was 9 months pregnant. Flopping from side to side was near impossible on a normal day at nine months pregnant, let alone when your legs are numb. The nurse and my darling husband had to flip me. I just wanted to relax during my breaks, but that wasn't happening.
Then, the midwife asked me to push while I was on my side. I dreaded this and I hoped I wouldn't have to do this. I had seen baby story after baby story on TLC and many women pushed on their side, with their leg up, like they were peeing like a dog. As if spreading your legs for all the world to see wasn't bad enough, here I was holding my one leg up in the air like I was a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. Luckily, I was no good pushing this way and rolled back on my back.
As I continued to push, my midwife informed that a few extra people would be in the room to examine my baby because there was meconium when they broke my water. I said OK, but my real thoughts were please shut up. I pushed some more. Then, my midwife told me I'd need an episiotomy. I said, 'whatever.' My real thoughts? Please shut up.
Thirty minutes had gone by since I started pushing and my midwife could tell I was getting tired. She was an absolute saint because she did let me rest at some points by not flipping me and allowing me to not push during some contractions. I loved her for this. Little did she know though, that I was actually trying to fall asleep. It was 2:30 AM and it had been a long night.
I started praying really hard that Caleb would slide on out without me pushing, but it wasn't happening. I had to push. I started pushing again and did so for 10 minutes. After that, I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I remember looking up into the big bright light shining down on me and saying, "Jesus, I can't do this anymore, You have to do this for me. I got nothing left." Another push. Nothing. I prayed again. "JESUS! Did you hear me?! I can't do this anymore! Where are you?!" Another push and my son was born.
First came relief as I threw my head back on the pillow and let out the biggest sigh ever. Then, I cried when I heard my son's first cry. It was the most beautiful thing in the world and I remember thinking, "That's MY baby." I held him for a minute before they whisked him away. He was a little white and they needed to check him since the cord had been wrapped around his neck and meconium in my water. Soon after he was back in my arms. It was pure bliss!
Side note: I had no idea until later that Caleb's head was out after I had said my first prayer. No one told me though! So Jesus did in fact answer my prayer.
As my EDD got closer, I was getting more and more anxious. So the weekend before, I made a list of everything I knew that could induce labor. You name it, I tried...except for the castor oil. I heard that makes life 'interesting' when it comes to your bowels and I wasn't down with that. So my darling husband and I walked, jogged, bounced, jumped, squatted, bounced some more, 'did the deed' (if you know what I'm sayin), and walked some more. I had a few Braxton Hicks, but that was it. Nothing else.
My DD came and went and I was distraught. I needed to see a light at the end of this very long tunnel so I begged my midwife to schedule an induction for me. I didn't want or plan for an induction, but I was getting desperate and like I said, I needed to see an end. One was scheduled for me on April 4, a week after my DD.
I was so sure I was having little man before his DD that I actually slept on a pile of towels in anticipation of my water breaking in the middle of the night. Of course my efforts were all in vain because that never happened. I woke up the morning after my EDD at 8am (March 30) and decided there was one last thing I could try to induce labor and that one thing kinda freaked me out. My sister in law had suggested it and although it freaked me out, I was desperate so I tried it. You're wondering what it is, right? I'm gonna keep it real here for a moment and just say, I did the nipple stimulation thing. It was weird and very awkward, but I was by myself so I thought what the hay?!
Well let me tell you, it worked, 10 seconds later I was having contractions. They were 8 minutes apart for about an hour. At first I was in denial that it could actually be time, especially because the 'feelings' I was experiencing were not at all like cramps like some people described. The sensations I was feeling felt like my butt was falling off. Weird, right?
Anyway, once the sensations stopped, I decided to have a light breakfast and then take a nap. If this was the real thing, I wanted to be well rested, so 10 minutes after the contractions stopped, I was back asleep. I slept about an hour and a half only to be woken up by more contractions. They weren't painful, just kept feeling like my butt was falling off. I didn't bother timing them because they didn't hurt, but I made it my plan to just stay home and hang out to see what happened.
The contractions were sporadic and varied in intensity. Some I could barely feel, some made me bend over, but overall, I was fine. At around 2 pm, I had one intense contraction that made me bend over and breath through it. This one contraction made me cancel my chiropractor appointment later that afternoon. I did NOT want to be on the table having contractions and not be able to breath or walk through it.
When I called to cancel, the receptionist that I had become friendly with got really excited when I told her I thought I might be in labor. She yelled into the receiver, "Get walking girl!" Honestly, up until this point, walking was not on my list of things to do. I was tired and just feeling blah, but I figured she was right, so I got out our treadmill and started walking. I walked for an hour, took a break, then walked another hour. Walking was just the thing I needed because as soon as I started walking, the contractions got closer together and were longer. I timed them using the timer on the treadmill and noticed they were about 4-5 minutes apart about 1-1:30 minutes long. Most of them I could barely feel, but I did have a few that made me have to stop and bend over to breath through.
After two hours of walking, I took a shower, and got ready to hopefully go to the hospital. My husband came home from work as I was straightening my hair. He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was alright and that I wasn't convinced this was the real thing. He suggested we time the contractions for an hour and see what happens. So we did just that, and after an hour we noticed they were 4 minutes apart, about 1 and 1/2 minutes long. He told me to call my doctor.
When I called my doc and told her what was going on, she told me to head to the hospital to get checked. So my husband and I packed up a few more things and headed to the hospital. One the way, I was praying for longer, stronger, more intense contractions because I still wasn't convinced I was in real labor. If there was ever a time I regretted praying for something, this was that time. Right after I prayed, I got hit with the hardest contraction yet. I remember looking down at my feet in the car and thinking that my butt was going to somehow come out of them. It hurt and I desperately wanted to walk through it, but we were on a major highway, and there was no shoulder. Walking wasn't an option. Luckily, I didn't have another contraction like that one.
We arrived at the hospital. This is where it gets interesting. As soon as we walked through the doors, I decided I was NOT going home. If they turned me away and told me I was going to be pregnant for a few more days, I would have died right then and there. So in an attempt to make sure I wasn't getting sent home, I decided to 'act' like I was in full on hard labor, even though the contractions were painless up until that point (aside from a few intense ones here and there). I bent over like I was dying. I whispered instead of talking loudly. At one point, I told my husband to talk for me because I was too busy selling the idea of me being in hard labor. I made faces like I was in pain. At another point, I fell to the floor, like I was in agony and I made little moans, even though I was totally fine. Looking back, it had to be pretty funny to see this. I must have been doing a good job though because even my husband was buying it.
Finally, in triage and my midwife came in to check my cervix. I was 5 cm! I remember thinking, dang, I got to 5 cm on my own and it was relatively painless, maybe I can do this naturally! But then I remembered all the horror stories I heard and read and fear took over and I asked for an epidural. Do I regret it? A little bit because I do think I could have done it naturally, but honestly, I was just too scared. Everything was so new to me. This was my first baby and I was scared about every little thing simply because I had never experienced it before.
I actually didn't get the epidural for 2 more hours and had progressed to 6 cm by the time I got it, all with little pain. Once I got the epidural, my labor stalled. That's when things got complicated. Caleb's heart rate dropped with each contraction and since I wasn't progressing I was put on pitocin and oxygen. I hated every bit of this. The oxygen mask made me nauseous and the pitocin made me concerned for Caleb. To top it off, I started feeling pain on my left side pretty badly. The anesthesiologist came to give me something for the pain. Whatever he gave me caused my blood pressure to drop dangerously low (something like 50/40). I felt like I was going to die. I remember looking over at him and thinking 'HELP!' but I couldn't talk and everything was going black. I remember everything around him and his trainee was all blurred and I could only see him and the trainee woman talking. He was telling her he knew that my blood pressure might drop so he came prepared. Once he saw me looking like he death, he walked over with some other needle, placed it in my IV and within 5 seconds, I was feeling golden again.
At that point, I started shaking uncontrollably. It was horrible and it was sucking up what little energy I had left. People started praying for me and I stopped shaking. Then, the nurse came in and told me if I didn't progress soon, I was going to need a C-section. I started crying hysterically. I did NOT want a C-section! Again, people started praying and within 10 minutes I was dilated to 7-8. I praised God over and over.
In an instant, a bunch of nurses came in and started prepping my room for the delivery of my baby boy. My midwife checked me again and I was 9 and a half cm. I needed to start pushing. Caleb was still in distress because the cord was wrapped his neck twice, so he had to come fast. I had no urge to push, but my midwife hoped I could push him down.
At this point, I was drained. From the drugs to the shaking to the drama, I wanted a nap, but here I was in the middle of popping out a baby and there was no time for naps. I started pushing not even knowing if I was doing a good job or not. I just pushed like they did in the movies. My midwife and nurse counted to 10. I remember they were counting REALLY slow and by 4 or 5 I was huffing and puffing. I couldn't hold my breath that long! I remember wondering how other women hold their breath til 10, because if I did that, I would have passed out.
Caleb's heart rate dropped during each contraction and pushing made it worse so I was forced to flop from side to side in between contractions. I hated this. Here I was 9 months pregnant. Flopping from side to side was near impossible on a normal day at nine months pregnant, let alone when your legs are numb. The nurse and my darling husband had to flip me. I just wanted to relax during my breaks, but that wasn't happening.
Then, the midwife asked me to push while I was on my side. I dreaded this and I hoped I wouldn't have to do this. I had seen baby story after baby story on TLC and many women pushed on their side, with their leg up, like they were peeing like a dog. As if spreading your legs for all the world to see wasn't bad enough, here I was holding my one leg up in the air like I was a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. Luckily, I was no good pushing this way and rolled back on my back.
As I continued to push, my midwife informed that a few extra people would be in the room to examine my baby because there was meconium when they broke my water. I said OK, but my real thoughts were please shut up. I pushed some more. Then, my midwife told me I'd need an episiotomy. I said, 'whatever.' My real thoughts? Please shut up.
Thirty minutes had gone by since I started pushing and my midwife could tell I was getting tired. She was an absolute saint because she did let me rest at some points by not flipping me and allowing me to not push during some contractions. I loved her for this. Little did she know though, that I was actually trying to fall asleep. It was 2:30 AM and it had been a long night.
I started praying really hard that Caleb would slide on out without me pushing, but it wasn't happening. I had to push. I started pushing again and did so for 10 minutes. After that, I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I remember looking up into the big bright light shining down on me and saying, "Jesus, I can't do this anymore, You have to do this for me. I got nothing left." Another push. Nothing. I prayed again. "JESUS! Did you hear me?! I can't do this anymore! Where are you?!" Another push and my son was born.
First came relief as I threw my head back on the pillow and let out the biggest sigh ever. Then, I cried when I heard my son's first cry. It was the most beautiful thing in the world and I remember thinking, "That's MY baby." I held him for a minute before they whisked him away. He was a little white and they needed to check him since the cord had been wrapped around his neck and meconium in my water. Soon after he was back in my arms. It was pure bliss!
Side note: I had no idea until later that Caleb's head was out after I had said my first prayer. No one told me though! So Jesus did in fact answer my prayer.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Perfect love casts out fear
My husband and I had a lovely chat last night after bible study. I'm not really sure how our conversation got started, but we were talking about God's love. John (my husband) said he felt that God was in the business of really showing everyone His love recently. I believe this to be true.
Lately, a lot of people have been mentioning in conversation that God has been showing them His love and how great it is. John and I don't know why all of a sudden this seems to be a big theme for God, but we feel that it is. Of course God's love was and continues to be great, it just feels like lately He's really making it a point to be known to a lot of people.
I can say this is true in my own life. I think I posted something a few weeks ago about God telling me how much He loves me. It was the first time God told me that (as least I think it was...I don't remember any other time). I know God has always loved me, but He never told me until recently and it really changed my life. It changed my perspective on who God was and is.
I'm going to try and make sense here, so bare with me. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself through words. Growing up, when I learned about God, I painted this picture of a very powerful, scary God. It was as if God was up in heaven just waiting for me to mess up so He could punish me. It didn't help that people in my life used God as a scare tactic. I was told that if I was sinning and the rapture happened, I wouldn't go to heaven. So if I was thinking a bad thought and Jesus came back, I was going to hell.
As you can imagine, this scared me and I became afraid. So, I got saved every night before I went to sleep (because if I didn't I was going to hell) and I raised my hand every Sunday when the pastor asked who wanted to accept Jesus (side note: I've accepted Jesus like 9084082934 times..kinda funny looking back). It's no wonder that I painted a scary image of God.
All this fear became a struggle in my life and once I gave way to a little fear, it took over everything. It started out being fearful of hell. Then, dying. Then, ghosts. Then, the dark. Then, sleeping alone. You see how it just spiraled out of control.
I lived in bondage because of fear. I was too prideful to admit it so I never got prayer for it. I just lived with it.
One day, it got so out of hand, I couldn't live a normal life. I was afraid of everything. I hated waking up because I knew my day would be spent "looking over my shoulder." Finally, I got fed up and asked for prayer. I got prayed for two separate times at our small little bible study. I can tell you, you don't need a church full of people to pray to make things happen. The first time I got prayed for I was healed. I just know I was, but the fear crept in one day and I let it take over again. A few days after that, I refused to spend a life in bondage so I asked for prayer again. Since then, the fear has been gone.
I can honestly say at that point, I was free from fear. However, it felt like the fear was always there, knocking, wanting to be let in. I felt I had to be very conscious of the things I watched, listened to, talked about, and thought about because the fear could have very easily slipped back in....well, until now.
God has been showing me His love. He has told me and shown me how much He loves me. This has changed my life completely. I see a new God, a loving God, for goodness sake, I can see a smiling God. This new God I've found has revealed to me a perfect love. So I can finally say that the fear is completely gone. It's not in the back of my mind...it's gone. Completely gone. I feel so free. It's such an amazing feeling to be free.
I am free "Because perfect love casts out fear" - 1 John 4:18
Lately, a lot of people have been mentioning in conversation that God has been showing them His love and how great it is. John and I don't know why all of a sudden this seems to be a big theme for God, but we feel that it is. Of course God's love was and continues to be great, it just feels like lately He's really making it a point to be known to a lot of people.
I can say this is true in my own life. I think I posted something a few weeks ago about God telling me how much He loves me. It was the first time God told me that (as least I think it was...I don't remember any other time). I know God has always loved me, but He never told me until recently and it really changed my life. It changed my perspective on who God was and is.
I'm going to try and make sense here, so bare with me. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself through words. Growing up, when I learned about God, I painted this picture of a very powerful, scary God. It was as if God was up in heaven just waiting for me to mess up so He could punish me. It didn't help that people in my life used God as a scare tactic. I was told that if I was sinning and the rapture happened, I wouldn't go to heaven. So if I was thinking a bad thought and Jesus came back, I was going to hell.
As you can imagine, this scared me and I became afraid. So, I got saved every night before I went to sleep (because if I didn't I was going to hell) and I raised my hand every Sunday when the pastor asked who wanted to accept Jesus (side note: I've accepted Jesus like 9084082934 times..kinda funny looking back). It's no wonder that I painted a scary image of God.
All this fear became a struggle in my life and once I gave way to a little fear, it took over everything. It started out being fearful of hell. Then, dying. Then, ghosts. Then, the dark. Then, sleeping alone. You see how it just spiraled out of control.
I lived in bondage because of fear. I was too prideful to admit it so I never got prayer for it. I just lived with it.
One day, it got so out of hand, I couldn't live a normal life. I was afraid of everything. I hated waking up because I knew my day would be spent "looking over my shoulder." Finally, I got fed up and asked for prayer. I got prayed for two separate times at our small little bible study. I can tell you, you don't need a church full of people to pray to make things happen. The first time I got prayed for I was healed. I just know I was, but the fear crept in one day and I let it take over again. A few days after that, I refused to spend a life in bondage so I asked for prayer again. Since then, the fear has been gone.
I can honestly say at that point, I was free from fear. However, it felt like the fear was always there, knocking, wanting to be let in. I felt I had to be very conscious of the things I watched, listened to, talked about, and thought about because the fear could have very easily slipped back in....well, until now.
God has been showing me His love. He has told me and shown me how much He loves me. This has changed my life completely. I see a new God, a loving God, for goodness sake, I can see a smiling God. This new God I've found has revealed to me a perfect love. So I can finally say that the fear is completely gone. It's not in the back of my mind...it's gone. Completely gone. I feel so free. It's such an amazing feeling to be free.
I am free "Because perfect love casts out fear" - 1 John 4:18
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
And I know, You're with me
A few weeks go we sang "Aftermath" by Hillsong at church. I was not a fan of that album, nor was I a fan of that song. It was long, boring, and I just couldn't get 'into' it.
While we were worshiping to this song and I was thinking to myself, "I can't wait til this song is over," Jesus spoke to me and said, 'listen to the words.' So, I did. The line that followed was this:
"You chose to take the sinner's crown, as you placed Your crown on me."
As you might imagine, I started crying. Those words were so powerful. Jesus gave me HIS crown so that I can live and in the process, He took mine to the grave. He died so that I could live. He's perfect, I'm not, I mess up, but He paid my debt. Why would someone so perfect do that for someone who constantly messes up? Jesus must REALLY love me. It's hard to imagine sometimes because of how imperfect I really am.
The cool thing though, is that I'm realizing God's love more and more. I love my son more than anything in the world. There are moments when I stop and think, "I love this baby so much, its just CRAZY! Wow!" and just when I think I can't love him any more, I do. I love him more and more each day. I didn't even know that was possible!
I imagine God's love is similar, although I will never fathom the depth of His love. It must be something incredible though. <3
While we were worshiping to this song and I was thinking to myself, "I can't wait til this song is over," Jesus spoke to me and said, 'listen to the words.' So, I did. The line that followed was this:
"You chose to take the sinner's crown, as you placed Your crown on me."
As you might imagine, I started crying. Those words were so powerful. Jesus gave me HIS crown so that I can live and in the process, He took mine to the grave. He died so that I could live. He's perfect, I'm not, I mess up, but He paid my debt. Why would someone so perfect do that for someone who constantly messes up? Jesus must REALLY love me. It's hard to imagine sometimes because of how imperfect I really am.
The cool thing though, is that I'm realizing God's love more and more. I love my son more than anything in the world. There are moments when I stop and think, "I love this baby so much, its just CRAZY! Wow!" and just when I think I can't love him any more, I do. I love him more and more each day. I didn't even know that was possible!
I imagine God's love is similar, although I will never fathom the depth of His love. It must be something incredible though. <3
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Hope - Not so Much
Boy oh boy is God showing me things lately. Before I get into my blog about 'hope' I want to share something with you. If you are in a 'dry' place, if you are feeling spiritually empty, I dare you to take a GIANT leap of faith. As soon as we began talking about planting a church, I saw God in a way I've never seen Him and it only continues to get more and more amazing. Granted, opposition and spiritual warfare have accompanied this amazingness I've found in God, but it's totally worth the God I've discovered (who was always there, of course, I am just now seeing Him). If you're feeling 'comfortable' in your walk, ask God what you can do for Him, then DO IT! I promise He'll meet you half way. How can I promise that? Because the bible tells us if we seek Him, we'll find Him.
I had this dream about two months ago. I was walking down this dirt road lined with random people. As I was walking, three people came into sight and they were standing on the road. They were all standing at different points on the road (one was a little bit farther down the road then the other). As I got closer, I recognized the first as the Holy Spirit. He came up to me and hugged me and I was very happy to see Him. As I continued walking, I recognized the next person as Jesus. He came up to me and hugged me, too. I was happy to see Him as well. The third person was, you guessed it, God. He came up to me and hugged me also. At that point in my dream, I thought I was dead, totally freaked myself out, and woke myself up.
Since that dream, I tried to figure out why I had that dream. What was God trying to tell me? Was God trying to tell me He was there for me? I already knew that. That couldn't be it. There had to be something more. Was God trying to show me He loved me? No, I knew that, too. So what was God trying to show me? I had no idea and I couldn't figure it out. But I wanted to know.
Fast forward a few months. As we started the church planting process, like I've mentioned before, I've seen God in amazing ways. I feel closer to Him than ever before. What I've been searching for, I've finally found. Don't get me wrong here, I've always known God and I've loved Him since I learned about Him in Sunday School at the age of 5, but since graduating college, I've been trying to find this AMAZING. LOVING God people kept telling me about. I knew God as loving and amazing (at least thats what people told me), yes, but not the way people talked about. The way my husband talked about God's love was so much deeper than what I knew. I needed to understand what he was talking about. So I began searching, but for years I couldn't find it. I studied books of the bible trying to find this God my husband was in love with. Again, don't get me wrong, I loved God, I did, but IN love with Him? I don't think I could honestly say that. If I'm honest, I didn't really know a LOVING God. Ultimately, I saw God as a POWERFUL, condemning God. I loved Him because I was scared to go to hell, really. I loved Him because He blessed me, but when things got tough, I screamed at Him. My idea of God was all messed up.
I desperately tried to find a new God, a God I never saw before. I couldn't imagine a non-tangible God to be my best friend, but that's what I needed. I couldn't depend on Him solely, I couldn't even see Him! That was just crazy! And as many times as I told myself and others I really depended on God, I was still holding onto the wheel with one hand and I wasn't letting go!
Like I said, for four years, I searched for a deeper meaning to my relationship with God. I desperately wanted to see this AMAZING God I didn't see before. I craved a deeper relationship, one deeper than ever before. I started studying the gospels in hopes that I would find the God I was looking for. If I learned everything about Jesus that I could by studying the gospels, then I certainly would understand why people were in love with Jesus. But as I studied, I grew weary. The gospels were repetitive and I got confused, so I gave up. I could not figure out why God wasn't meeting me half way when I was trying so hard!
I began to worry a little bit. Did I lose my salvation? Did I lose the Holy Spirit along the way? What happened? Why was God eluding me?! At times, I just gave up searching, but when I got curious, I started my search again. Every time though, I got tired of searching and stopped. I knew God so well as a teenager. He spoke clearly to me. At that time in my life, I think I could honestly say, I was in love with God, but that was a long time ago, and I had walked away quite a few times since then. Where was that God? Where did He go and why wasn't He coming back? What did I do?!
And then we started this church planting process. My husband and I took a giant leap of faith and God caught us mid air. And I finally found what I was looking for. It took years of searching and although it was hard, it was worth the God I found. I wish I found Him sooner, I'll be honest, but there was a purpose in that, although Im not quite sure what it is.
Where does that crazy dream come in? Well, I believe God was showing me that the LONG road I was traveling down finally led me to Him. I think it was His way of saying my search was over. What an awesome feeling! :)
If you asked me why I think I searched for so long and couldn't find the God I once knew as a teenager, I would tell you it was because I wasn't doing what God wanted me to do. I don't think it's a coincidence that once we took a leap of faith and started church planting that God all of sudden revealed Himself to me just the way I was looking for Him to do. It leads me to believe that maybe we were supposed to start this process a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, I thought I WAS doing what God wanted me to be doing all along, but looking back, maybe I wasn't.
Either way, it doesn't matter now because we are doing exactly what God wants us to do. And like I said, it's no coincidence that once we stepped out of our comfort zone, God showed up in a new and AMAZING way. That's why I say if you're feeling spiritually empty or dry or even if you're looking for something more and deeper, step of your comfort zone. Show God you are willing to stand up for Him and actually do it. He won't disappoint....I know from experience ;)
Funny, I was supposed to write about hope. Maybe next time :)
I had this dream about two months ago. I was walking down this dirt road lined with random people. As I was walking, three people came into sight and they were standing on the road. They were all standing at different points on the road (one was a little bit farther down the road then the other). As I got closer, I recognized the first as the Holy Spirit. He came up to me and hugged me and I was very happy to see Him. As I continued walking, I recognized the next person as Jesus. He came up to me and hugged me, too. I was happy to see Him as well. The third person was, you guessed it, God. He came up to me and hugged me also. At that point in my dream, I thought I was dead, totally freaked myself out, and woke myself up.
Since that dream, I tried to figure out why I had that dream. What was God trying to tell me? Was God trying to tell me He was there for me? I already knew that. That couldn't be it. There had to be something more. Was God trying to show me He loved me? No, I knew that, too. So what was God trying to show me? I had no idea and I couldn't figure it out. But I wanted to know.
Fast forward a few months. As we started the church planting process, like I've mentioned before, I've seen God in amazing ways. I feel closer to Him than ever before. What I've been searching for, I've finally found. Don't get me wrong here, I've always known God and I've loved Him since I learned about Him in Sunday School at the age of 5, but since graduating college, I've been trying to find this AMAZING. LOVING God people kept telling me about. I knew God as loving and amazing (at least thats what people told me), yes, but not the way people talked about. The way my husband talked about God's love was so much deeper than what I knew. I needed to understand what he was talking about. So I began searching, but for years I couldn't find it. I studied books of the bible trying to find this God my husband was in love with. Again, don't get me wrong, I loved God, I did, but IN love with Him? I don't think I could honestly say that. If I'm honest, I didn't really know a LOVING God. Ultimately, I saw God as a POWERFUL, condemning God. I loved Him because I was scared to go to hell, really. I loved Him because He blessed me, but when things got tough, I screamed at Him. My idea of God was all messed up.
I desperately tried to find a new God, a God I never saw before. I couldn't imagine a non-tangible God to be my best friend, but that's what I needed. I couldn't depend on Him solely, I couldn't even see Him! That was just crazy! And as many times as I told myself and others I really depended on God, I was still holding onto the wheel with one hand and I wasn't letting go!
Like I said, for four years, I searched for a deeper meaning to my relationship with God. I desperately wanted to see this AMAZING God I didn't see before. I craved a deeper relationship, one deeper than ever before. I started studying the gospels in hopes that I would find the God I was looking for. If I learned everything about Jesus that I could by studying the gospels, then I certainly would understand why people were in love with Jesus. But as I studied, I grew weary. The gospels were repetitive and I got confused, so I gave up. I could not figure out why God wasn't meeting me half way when I was trying so hard!
I began to worry a little bit. Did I lose my salvation? Did I lose the Holy Spirit along the way? What happened? Why was God eluding me?! At times, I just gave up searching, but when I got curious, I started my search again. Every time though, I got tired of searching and stopped. I knew God so well as a teenager. He spoke clearly to me. At that time in my life, I think I could honestly say, I was in love with God, but that was a long time ago, and I had walked away quite a few times since then. Where was that God? Where did He go and why wasn't He coming back? What did I do?!
And then we started this church planting process. My husband and I took a giant leap of faith and God caught us mid air. And I finally found what I was looking for. It took years of searching and although it was hard, it was worth the God I found. I wish I found Him sooner, I'll be honest, but there was a purpose in that, although Im not quite sure what it is.
Where does that crazy dream come in? Well, I believe God was showing me that the LONG road I was traveling down finally led me to Him. I think it was His way of saying my search was over. What an awesome feeling! :)
If you asked me why I think I searched for so long and couldn't find the God I once knew as a teenager, I would tell you it was because I wasn't doing what God wanted me to do. I don't think it's a coincidence that once we took a leap of faith and started church planting that God all of sudden revealed Himself to me just the way I was looking for Him to do. It leads me to believe that maybe we were supposed to start this process a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, I thought I WAS doing what God wanted me to be doing all along, but looking back, maybe I wasn't.
Either way, it doesn't matter now because we are doing exactly what God wants us to do. And like I said, it's no coincidence that once we stepped out of our comfort zone, God showed up in a new and AMAZING way. That's why I say if you're feeling spiritually empty or dry or even if you're looking for something more and deeper, step of your comfort zone. Show God you are willing to stand up for Him and actually do it. He won't disappoint....I know from experience ;)
Funny, I was supposed to write about hope. Maybe next time :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)