Ever since the death of a close family friend I've been struggling with doubt. I've been doubting God on all levels, right down to His existence. I couldn't seem to understand why such a loving God could snuff out a life so quickly and without warning. In the midst of me trying to figure it all out, I couldn't seem to find God in death or in any other life circumstance for that matter. God seemed to just disappear.
I struggled trying to see Him in my everyday. I couldn't see Him in nature like some. I couldn't see Him in my kids like before. I couldn't see Him at church, at Bible Study, or in conversation about Him. Where did He go when I felt I needed to see and feel Him the most?
Shortly after our dear friend's passing, I ended up in the ER with a health issue. I was pretty much traumatized by the event and no matter how hard I prayed or tried to find God, it seemed as if He wasn't there. I felt so abandoned and betrayed.
In the days following my ER visit, God felt even more silent and distant, and my doubt in His existence was even worse. I was so convinced God didn't exist that I was ready to start telling everyone He didn't exist. Why wasn't He showing up in the midst of such turmoil when I needed Him most? Clearly because He wasn't really there.
With all that was happening with life and my desperate attempt to find a non-existing God, I became depressed and was surrendering my days to sadness and depression before I opened my eyes. I cried a lot, worried more, and lost all patience with anything that was in front of me. I was in a rip current of depression and fear and no matter how hard I tried to swim to God (or anything positive for that matter), I wasn't going anywhere. I was tired physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Then there was Bible Study. This past week's Bible Study was unique. Our usual fearless leader, had work and a new fearless leader would be filling in. I offered up our house for BS as the meeting place to switch things up a bit. That Wednesday morning I was kicking myself. The rip current was pulling me deeper into the ocean and the last place I wanted to be was at BS. I even felt that if BS was at it's usual meeting place, I wouldn't go. Part of me contemplated hiding in my bedroom all night, avoiding everyone, including God, but part of me knew the best place for me to be (given my current state) was at BS. So, I reluctantly obliged to whatever it was that was telling me to go.
Our leader began Bible Study with, "So, we're going to talk about doubt." Really? I did a little chuckle to myself as I knew this study was God's way of revealing Himself to me, but there was also a part of me that thought it might just be coincidence.
As our group shared some of the things they doubted about God, I felt a little better knowing I wasn't alone. However, I was still so skeptical and as that pesky rip current tugged at my heart, I desperately wanted BS to end so I could continue to drown in my depression. It was so much easier to let it pull at me than to fight it.
Toward the end of BS, our leader said something along the lines of being obsessed with researching archeological facts of Jesus's existence on this earth over the past week in preparation for BS. Immediately I thought, "oh God, please don't read them all." He seemed reluctant at first to read them since our conversation with the group had kind of gone off in a different direction, but he decided to read them anyway.
He read the first one and I kind of rolled my eyes. Then, he read the second. And it was like all of a sudden, something inside me clicked. All my doubt disappeared and it was as if I found Jesus again. He existed and there was no doubt about it anymore. And because He existed, His Word existed. And because His Word existed, His promises existed. And because His promises existed, He never left me, He still loved me, He still cared, and He comforted me. All because He EXISTED. He is alive. And He was and is alive in me. My spirit had been renewed and refreshed and I felt like I had made it back onto the beach out of the rip current.
I imagine that if someone was studying my body language at that moment, that my entire demeanor changed. I imagine I sat up straighter and my facial expression showed happiness and peace, instead of sadness and fear. I had found Jesus again and it seemed so simple and obvious. After all my desperate attempts to find Him left me exhausted, all it took was a fellow brother in the Lord to mention some simple, but very true facts. It changed my life.
The next morning I woke up differently. Instead of handing my day over to the devil, I woke up ready to fight for my day. And I'm happy to say I won. I didn't let anything hinder my thoughts or happiness. It was the best day I had in weeks.
God is very much in existence, even when we can't see Him or find Him. And I know there are times we are so desperate for Him and it seems at those desperate moments He goes silent. But immerse yourself in Him in every way possible. Focus your thoughts on Him, go to Bible Study (even when you don't feel like it), go to church, and surround yourself with believers who can encourage you. I can guarantee you will find God and that He will meet you somewhere. He has yet to not meet me. I always find Him.
