As I stood in my parents kitchen last New Year's Eve surrounded by family having a great time, I thought to myself that 2013 was going to be a good year. I don't know why I felt that way, but I did, and I was certain that God would have His beautiful way with our lives.
I couldn't have been more wrong...well sort of.
2013 started out like normal. Two weeks into the month of January, I found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled since we had planned this baby. We rejoiced and couldn't believe it happened so quickly. We kept it a secret for a week to let it really sink in, then we shared the news with family. Everyone was happy for us and we were so giddy.
Right after we shared our wonderful news with family, the problems started. I was plagued with what felt like every pregnancy symptom out there. I was so confused as to why I was having such a tough beginning because my first pregnancy was a walk in the park. Plus, before I got pregnant, I prayed and asked God to spare me the awful symptoms and expected that He would.
Well, for whatever reason God decided that my pregnancy was going to be anything but easy. After the initial aches and pains of the first trimester, I developed twenty cysts on my ovaries and experienced excruciating pain. It was so bad, I prayed to die.
At that time, it was only February and already the year that I thought was going to go so well was turning out to be pretty bad.
I did get prayed for and the cysts eventually shrunk, but around the same time, a building in our development went up in flames. This scared me to death and I soon became fearful our building was next. I secretly went over scenarios as to how I would get my family out of our condo in the case of a fire. It consumed me and every night I had trouble sleeping.
I thought after my cysts shrunk that things would get better, but with the fire and all that I experienced with my pregnancy so far, I was traumatized. I developed serious anxiety and started seeing a therapist. I wasn't allowed to take any medication because I was pregnant and 'talking' about it all didn't help. There were days I wanted to jump out of my skin because I couldn't handle the stresses of the day. I really felt like I was losing control and I didn't feel like myself at all. My husband shared later on that it was hard to interact with me because I was such a mess. I really wasn't myself.
Finally, in September, Aaron was born and it seemed as if things were getting better. I didn't experience any baby blues or postpartum like I thought I would considering all that I went through. I was completely in love with my new baby. Finally, this year is going to turn out they way I initially thought!
I was wrong.
Shortly after Aaron was born, we found that our condo was closing in on our family of four. We needed a bigger space. We started talking with realtors and mortgage people about selling our place and finding a house. We came to find out that we were so far under water with our mortgage and that condos in our development were going for half of what we paid for it. We bought when the market was still high and we were pretty much stuck. There was no way we were selling our condo.
We explored different options and found that renting our place was the best option and when our neighbors told us they'd rent it from us starting Jan. 1, we were thrilled. We started looking for houses and quickly fell in love with one. It seemed perfect for us. As you can imagine, as we pursued this house, it fell through and we couldn't get a mortgage for it. It just cost too much. We were devastated, but we explored more of our options.
We started looking at cheaper houses and found another house we really liked. Again it seemed perfect for us. As you can imagine, again, it didn't work out. We were sad, but we felt we still had options, so we kept looking.
Again we looked at another house. It seemed perfect for our little family. Everything seemed to be able to work out with this house and we moved forward with a mortgage. Eventually, after our request for a mortgage went to the underwriters, we found that because we had negative equity in our condo, we couldn't qualify. We were devastated. Basically, we were stuck in this condo until we paid it down.
I cried for hours and couldn't even talk about it. Just after it seemed like things were going to get better, our lives were flipped upside down again. The second half of the year was worse than the first.
We decided that even though we couldn't get a house that we would still rent out our condo so we could eventually claim it as income when we went to qualify for a new mortgage in the future.
Eventually, we moved on from the idea of owning a house and just tried to get through the rest of the year in one piece.
Then, there was news at John's job that layoffs were happening, and people would be switched around and shuffled. At first, we weren't concerned about John's job, but as things progressed, we became worried. Two new positions opened up at work and both would have been promotions for John. He interviewed for both and was passed up for a new guy who hadn't even been around for a year. John's boss got shuffled and now John would be working for the new guy, who had plans to change everything in his department.
Luckily, John currently has a job, but the devastation that came with being passed up for a promotion that went to a guy who hadn't been around as long as John, was just terrible. I cried.
This year hasn't been a good one. I've found myself crying more than I think I ever have. I've found myself anxious, fearful, worried, depressed, and simply not myself.
As we continue this year and I look at what's ahead, I've become more depressed. At 31 with two kids and a husband, we are moving into my parents basement until we figure life out. And although many of our friends have done this and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, it hurts when I look back at my life and think that at 31, I didn't see myself in this situation. The market shouldn't have crashed. We should have a home, a dog, and a white picket fence by now.
I've waited a whole year for this 'testimony' to have a happy ending so I could share it with everyone. But one day, when I was praying for John's job prospect, God revealed that the best testimonies aren't always those with a happy ending. In fact, it's the ones where life got tough and people stood the test of time and remained strong in their faith that were great testimonies. And although I wish this testimony had a happy ending, you can clearly see, by earthly standards it doesn't. But God did have His beautiful way with our lives this year. And although there were so many times I wanted to quit, throw in the towel, give up on God, got mad at God, screamed at God, wondered what in the world God was doing, I can say, despite all of the mess and heartbreak we've experienced, we still love God, we still serve Him, we still know He is faithful, and we still trust and believe in Him.
So although this year didn't turn out according to plan, I can confidently say that I am grateful for these trials because it has brought John and I closer. It has grown us both spiritually and has allowed me to see God in a new way. And I find that those thing are more important than any house or an easy pregnancy.
If you are reading this, you can pray for us. Pray for guidance, acceptance, and peace.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Meeting With Jesus In My Dreams
Whenever I really 'buckle down' and get back on track with Jesus (i.e read more, pray more, worship more) I always end up having these crazy dreams about Jesus. Some of them make total sense and some are just kind of random. Last night I had one of those random dreams.
It saddens me to say that I haven't had a dream where I met with Jesus in awhile. That's because I've been really slacking. I've been so caught up in feeling so terrible with my pregnancy that I couldn't focus on anything else. But after a few good books and a deep conversation with my husband, I was encouraged to get back on track. I've started reading every day, praying more, and making it a point to listen to worship music.
This is the dream I had only after a few days of spending time with Jesus:
There were people, prisoners, pacing around to the right of me. I don't know why there were prisoners or why they were being forced to walk while all shackled together, but they were. In front of me was a line of people waiting to meet with Jesus. When I looked to the front of the line, I saw Jesus. He was glowing, like REALLY glowing. Everything was bright and white around him. I started crying hysterically. No one else in line was crying (except for one girl I didn't know). It was like they couldn't see him, but they all knew He was there. It was weird.
I remember getting in the back of the line and thinking I was glad I was in the back because then no one would see me crying. I waited to see Jesus as others went before me. Then, all of sudden Jesus walked over to the prisoners. People were still moving forward in the line to pray to Jesus. He was still there, facing the front of the line, but physically He was with the prisoners (well kind of like physically). I blinked and I saw Him walking in the midst of the prisoners. They couldn't see Him though, but I saw him (He was transparent). I remember thinking one of the prisoners must have been a Christian and must have been praying and Jesus was going over there to be with that person (or people).
I got to the front of the line while Jesus was still with the prisoners and I remember being happy about that because the overwhelming feeling I was experiencing just standing in His presence at the front of the line was so intense, my knees buckled. I couldn't stand. I knew I couldn't handle Him standing next to me. It would have been too much.
There was a woman I knew (in real life) who was there and she held my hand and she prayed for me. I remember thinking in my dream that I needed to think of a need I had to ask for prayer for, but Jesus' presence was so intense, I couldn't even think and I could barely talk. All I could say was, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus," over and over again. I was crying hysterically.
God's presence was the most intense I ever felt in my life. It was very real even though I was dreaming. It was just so intense, but it was the most AMAZING feeling in the world, like all was right with my life. It was like experiencing perfection in spiritual form. There is definitely nothing on this Earth that can make me feel like that. It was intense, but perfect and amazing.
When I was finally able to open my eyes, Jesus was standing right next to me...and He was smiling....
After that I woke up. I had such an amazing peace at that point. It was awesome. Like everything was perfect...
Now that I think about it, my dream wasn't random at all. It was intended by God, to show me He's still there, He's happy I noticed Him again and to remind me that He's always there even when we can't see Him.
It saddens me to say that I haven't had a dream where I met with Jesus in awhile. That's because I've been really slacking. I've been so caught up in feeling so terrible with my pregnancy that I couldn't focus on anything else. But after a few good books and a deep conversation with my husband, I was encouraged to get back on track. I've started reading every day, praying more, and making it a point to listen to worship music.
This is the dream I had only after a few days of spending time with Jesus:
There were people, prisoners, pacing around to the right of me. I don't know why there were prisoners or why they were being forced to walk while all shackled together, but they were. In front of me was a line of people waiting to meet with Jesus. When I looked to the front of the line, I saw Jesus. He was glowing, like REALLY glowing. Everything was bright and white around him. I started crying hysterically. No one else in line was crying (except for one girl I didn't know). It was like they couldn't see him, but they all knew He was there. It was weird.
I remember getting in the back of the line and thinking I was glad I was in the back because then no one would see me crying. I waited to see Jesus as others went before me. Then, all of sudden Jesus walked over to the prisoners. People were still moving forward in the line to pray to Jesus. He was still there, facing the front of the line, but physically He was with the prisoners (well kind of like physically). I blinked and I saw Him walking in the midst of the prisoners. They couldn't see Him though, but I saw him (He was transparent). I remember thinking one of the prisoners must have been a Christian and must have been praying and Jesus was going over there to be with that person (or people).
I got to the front of the line while Jesus was still with the prisoners and I remember being happy about that because the overwhelming feeling I was experiencing just standing in His presence at the front of the line was so intense, my knees buckled. I couldn't stand. I knew I couldn't handle Him standing next to me. It would have been too much.
There was a woman I knew (in real life) who was there and she held my hand and she prayed for me. I remember thinking in my dream that I needed to think of a need I had to ask for prayer for, but Jesus' presence was so intense, I couldn't even think and I could barely talk. All I could say was, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus," over and over again. I was crying hysterically.
God's presence was the most intense I ever felt in my life. It was very real even though I was dreaming. It was just so intense, but it was the most AMAZING feeling in the world, like all was right with my life. It was like experiencing perfection in spiritual form. There is definitely nothing on this Earth that can make me feel like that. It was intense, but perfect and amazing.
When I was finally able to open my eyes, Jesus was standing right next to me...and He was smiling....
After that I woke up. I had such an amazing peace at that point. It was awesome. Like everything was perfect...
Now that I think about it, my dream wasn't random at all. It was intended by God, to show me He's still there, He's happy I noticed Him again and to remind me that He's always there even when we can't see Him.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Two Stories
By the title of this post, it sounds like God is doing a lot in my life. Although I am sure He does do a lot, I fail on a daily basis to see it, especially lately. I definitely need to do a better job of paying attention. Currently, I am just so caught up in preparing for baby number two and my growing toddler that I get easily distracted (and tired for that matter). There are moments when I do stop, look around, and listen and when I do, I always see God in my day. Here are two moments recently when I 'saw' Him.
I was telling my husband one day that there are these moments that I have where I'll think of something I REALLY want to get our son. A lot of the time it's silly things like a toy or something he doesn't really need, but something I want to get him because I know it'll make him smile and in turn, make my heart happy. Being a stay at home mommy, money is tight and it's hard to imagine spending what little we have left over on leisurely items.
Well, whenever I have these moments where I think about the thing I want to get our son, it's shortly after that thought that I find exactly what I'm looking for, and it's usually free! For instance, the other day I was thinking about how I wanted to get our son a wagon or one of those little ride on trikes/cars with a big handle to push him with. I was thinking the trike/car with the handle would be a better option for us since we don't have a garage, live on the second floor of a condo, and the trike/car is plastic making it easier to carry down stairs. No, my son doesn't NEED this item, I just though it would be fun to get it for him.
I want to say maybe a day or two later after this thought, John, Caleb, and I decided to 'kill time' before bedtime and go for a drive. As we were driving, we passed a house that had a few items out by the curb. It looked like maybe they had just had a yard sale and those particular items didn't sell. As I looked closer, I noticed that there was a trike with one of those handles! Exactly what I was thinking about! I told John to turn around and grab it! Of course we spent the rest of the night on the trike!
I know some people would call that a coincidence, but this happens to me a lot. There were times I was worried Caleb wouldn't have clothes and we didn't have money to buy much and then a day later someone handed me boxes full of clothes. There was the time I wanted Harvest decorations for our condo, but couldn't justify spending our extra money on something so silly and then a few days later, I found some on the side of the road someone had put by the curb. I often joke with my husband and tell him I'm going to start thinking about how I want a new house and car. LOL I believe this is God, not coincidences, by the way.
Next story.
The other night, I had a bad night. I woke up so sick. Quite a few people in my family have been sick, including my husband, so I'm not sure if it was some illness or all the peanut butter I ate (I think it may have been the peanut butter because I do have an intolerance). Anyway, I woke up and felt terribly nauseous. You know that feeling you get right before you are about to 'toss your cookies?' I had that feeling for about 10 minutes straight. Ugh, it was terrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. I would have rather been dead. I actually tried to make myself get sick just so the feeling would go away. All that ended up happening was I kept dry-heaving, the second worse feeling in the world.
I yelled up to my husband, who woke startled. I think he thought the baby was coming because he rushed downstairs pretty quickly. LOL "I'm so sick.." I said. I think part of him was sort of relieved it wasn't the baby because baby boy #2 has more cookin to do.
I started crying and thinking how I should go to the hospital because the feeling was so horrible. I figured they'd think I was crazy, so all that was left to do was pray. I really believed I was feeling sick from the peanut butter I ate so I kept telling Jesus I was sorry I ate it mid prayer. LOL It's funny looking back, but it certainly wasn't funny then. Oh heck, it was funny then. I'm surprised my husband wasn't laughing.
I paced the bathroom floor just trying to find some relief from the horrible feeling. I finally slowed down a bit because I thought if I focused enough on throwing up, it might actually happen. As soon as I slowed down, my husband put his hand on me and started praying. As soon as he did, the feeling of wanting to 'toss my cookies' disappeared. I still felt pretty horrible, but at least I felt it was safe for me to leave the bathroom and lay down on the couch.
My husband continued praying, as I continued apologizing to Jesus for eating the peanut butter. Within a few minutes of John praying for me, I was pretty much fine. My stomach was still uneasy, but I felt I was able to go back to sleep.
After I started feeling better, I stopped and really thought about what just happened. There I was, in pretty desperate situation and within minutes God healed me. This happened to me before, right before I was headed to the hospital for my cysts (the night before I knew I had them). I see a re-occurring theme going on here. Whenever I am sick and I start praying (or my husband prays), God heals me within minutes.
I underestimate God. A lot of the time I don't even bother praying because I think He won't heal me right away. I usually just suffer until I get better. However, my entire pregnancy, any time I have felt sick and prayed, God healed me quickly.
I don't know why God is choosing to heal me so quickly lately, but I'm not complaining. And I know it's Him because most people don't go from feeling like they are going to die to feeling fine in minutes. Either way, God has been proving Himself to me through these moments and I am grateful. Even as bad as those 10 minutes were, I thanked God for them, because He showed me He is still here with me and I needed that. I just wish He didn't have to go to such extremes, but it's my fault. I should have been paying attention.
I was telling my husband one day that there are these moments that I have where I'll think of something I REALLY want to get our son. A lot of the time it's silly things like a toy or something he doesn't really need, but something I want to get him because I know it'll make him smile and in turn, make my heart happy. Being a stay at home mommy, money is tight and it's hard to imagine spending what little we have left over on leisurely items.
Well, whenever I have these moments where I think about the thing I want to get our son, it's shortly after that thought that I find exactly what I'm looking for, and it's usually free! For instance, the other day I was thinking about how I wanted to get our son a wagon or one of those little ride on trikes/cars with a big handle to push him with. I was thinking the trike/car with the handle would be a better option for us since we don't have a garage, live on the second floor of a condo, and the trike/car is plastic making it easier to carry down stairs. No, my son doesn't NEED this item, I just though it would be fun to get it for him.
I want to say maybe a day or two later after this thought, John, Caleb, and I decided to 'kill time' before bedtime and go for a drive. As we were driving, we passed a house that had a few items out by the curb. It looked like maybe they had just had a yard sale and those particular items didn't sell. As I looked closer, I noticed that there was a trike with one of those handles! Exactly what I was thinking about! I told John to turn around and grab it! Of course we spent the rest of the night on the trike!
I know some people would call that a coincidence, but this happens to me a lot. There were times I was worried Caleb wouldn't have clothes and we didn't have money to buy much and then a day later someone handed me boxes full of clothes. There was the time I wanted Harvest decorations for our condo, but couldn't justify spending our extra money on something so silly and then a few days later, I found some on the side of the road someone had put by the curb. I often joke with my husband and tell him I'm going to start thinking about how I want a new house and car. LOL I believe this is God, not coincidences, by the way.
Next story.
The other night, I had a bad night. I woke up so sick. Quite a few people in my family have been sick, including my husband, so I'm not sure if it was some illness or all the peanut butter I ate (I think it may have been the peanut butter because I do have an intolerance). Anyway, I woke up and felt terribly nauseous. You know that feeling you get right before you are about to 'toss your cookies?' I had that feeling for about 10 minutes straight. Ugh, it was terrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. I would have rather been dead. I actually tried to make myself get sick just so the feeling would go away. All that ended up happening was I kept dry-heaving, the second worse feeling in the world.
I yelled up to my husband, who woke startled. I think he thought the baby was coming because he rushed downstairs pretty quickly. LOL "I'm so sick.." I said. I think part of him was sort of relieved it wasn't the baby because baby boy #2 has more cookin to do.
I started crying and thinking how I should go to the hospital because the feeling was so horrible. I figured they'd think I was crazy, so all that was left to do was pray. I really believed I was feeling sick from the peanut butter I ate so I kept telling Jesus I was sorry I ate it mid prayer. LOL It's funny looking back, but it certainly wasn't funny then. Oh heck, it was funny then. I'm surprised my husband wasn't laughing.
I paced the bathroom floor just trying to find some relief from the horrible feeling. I finally slowed down a bit because I thought if I focused enough on throwing up, it might actually happen. As soon as I slowed down, my husband put his hand on me and started praying. As soon as he did, the feeling of wanting to 'toss my cookies' disappeared. I still felt pretty horrible, but at least I felt it was safe for me to leave the bathroom and lay down on the couch.
My husband continued praying, as I continued apologizing to Jesus for eating the peanut butter. Within a few minutes of John praying for me, I was pretty much fine. My stomach was still uneasy, but I felt I was able to go back to sleep.
After I started feeling better, I stopped and really thought about what just happened. There I was, in pretty desperate situation and within minutes God healed me. This happened to me before, right before I was headed to the hospital for my cysts (the night before I knew I had them). I see a re-occurring theme going on here. Whenever I am sick and I start praying (or my husband prays), God heals me within minutes.
I underestimate God. A lot of the time I don't even bother praying because I think He won't heal me right away. I usually just suffer until I get better. However, my entire pregnancy, any time I have felt sick and prayed, God healed me quickly.
I don't know why God is choosing to heal me so quickly lately, but I'm not complaining. And I know it's Him because most people don't go from feeling like they are going to die to feeling fine in minutes. Either way, God has been proving Himself to me through these moments and I am grateful. Even as bad as those 10 minutes were, I thanked God for them, because He showed me He is still here with me and I needed that. I just wish He didn't have to go to such extremes, but it's my fault. I should have been paying attention.
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Best Thing I Read in Weeks
"God is near. His eyes are set on you and His heart delights in your very existence as His daughter. If you listen carefully, you just might hear Him applauding that one tiny step of faith you were willing to take as you walked straight through your fear. God is fully aware of where you are and what you need. Heaven is not in a panic. And when you fall, you can rest assured your Father will be there to hold you in His arms of love and strengthen you for every step of your journey."
I read this on a devotional site. I love it. I LOVE it. Did I mention, I LOVE IT? "Heaven is not in a panic." These simple words jumped off the page at me and it was exactly what I needed to read. "Heaven is not in a panic." I love it.
I spend so much of my day stressing, worrying, being anxious (of all which I know I shouldn't be), but I can't help it. There's a lot to consider! Will my husband EVER get a job closer to home? Is that pain in my left side mean the baby growing inside me is in trouble? Will my two year old ever stop whining? And is that a turd I see in my washer? Better wash those clothes again....
As you can imagine, I find myself often overwhelmed, but reading those words today helped me relax. If the All Mighty Sovereign God, Creator of this universe is not in a panic, then why should I be? After all, He's the one in control. He's got all the systems in place running the way they should be according to HIS plan. Right?
Sometimes I think me being worried, anxious, and stressed is me trying to control things. I betcha I'd be less stressed if I just placed every detail of my day in God's hands and trusted it all happened according to God's will....
Always easier said then done of course, but I have to keep reminding myself.....
I read this on a devotional site. I love it. I LOVE it. Did I mention, I LOVE IT? "Heaven is not in a panic." These simple words jumped off the page at me and it was exactly what I needed to read. "Heaven is not in a panic." I love it.
I spend so much of my day stressing, worrying, being anxious (of all which I know I shouldn't be), but I can't help it. There's a lot to consider! Will my husband EVER get a job closer to home? Is that pain in my left side mean the baby growing inside me is in trouble? Will my two year old ever stop whining? And is that a turd I see in my washer? Better wash those clothes again....
As you can imagine, I find myself often overwhelmed, but reading those words today helped me relax. If the All Mighty Sovereign God, Creator of this universe is not in a panic, then why should I be? After all, He's the one in control. He's got all the systems in place running the way they should be according to HIS plan. Right?
Sometimes I think me being worried, anxious, and stressed is me trying to control things. I betcha I'd be less stressed if I just placed every detail of my day in God's hands and trusted it all happened according to God's will....
Always easier said then done of course, but I have to keep reminding myself.....
Friday, March 22, 2013
A Prince and A Prayer
Every little girl dreams of finding their prince and I was no different. As far back as I could remember I imagined my prince. He was tall, handsome and looked very much like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. I couldn't wait to find my prince.
Six years ago I got very real with God about my future prince. While in the shower, I gave Him my list of qualifications for a husband. It was a rather long list and it was VERY detailed. I imagined God sort of laughing at me because some of the things on the list were kind of ridiculous (like nice teeth). The shower got cold as I was finishing my list, so you can imagine it was quite long. Hey, I was a girl who knew what she wanted!
At the time, I was working at a private Christian school. My main goal at the time was to make sure I was focusing solely on God. I was standing in front of a class full of kids day after day telling them about God and I wanted to make sure I was living the life I was preaching about. I didn't have any other concerns. God was my life.
One day at a morning meeting, the teachers had decided to bring in the newly elected student council and pray for them. The handful of students gathered in the center of the teachers as we all began praying for them. Some teachers prayed out loud, some didn't. The first teacher to pray out loud was the Bible teacher who was standing right next to me. I knew him and I knew his voice. He prayed a prayer for a minute or so. Then, there was a pause. Then, another teacher began praying. I was standing there with my eyes closed and head bowed in my own private prayer when all of a sudden something in my spirit just 'woke up.' As this teacher was praying, my spirit came alive. This prayer was so powerful, so genuine, so spirit-filled. It was as if my spirit connected with this prayer somehow. It was crazy! That never happened before! At that point, I still hadn't recognized the voice of the teacher praying, but I HAD to know who it was. So I ever so carefully, lifted my head and opened one eye to see who was praying (hoping no one would see me of course).
The following were the thoughts that went through my head:
"Oh, it's the new Computers teacher praying. What's his name? Mr. uh Mr. Wilson, I think. Wow, that guy can pray! Wow! Gosh, I hope I marry someone who prays like him! Oh God, but please not him. His head is so big!"
LOL Yes, those are the exact thoughts I had! I remember them clearly. I even shared them with Mr. Wilson when we became friends a short time later. He laughed. It's a running joke that the first thing I noticed about him was his abnormally large cranium and the first thing he noticed about me was my flat derriere. A match made in heaven.
Like I said, shortly after that we became friends. Every time we hung out, we spent our time just talking, getting to know each other. We were so content just sitting on the couch talking for hours. There was no doubt there was a special connection between us.
Three months after we started hanging out, and the day before the 4th of July, Mr. Wilson told me he loved me! I believe I tackled him to the ground like a school girl and kissed his nose or something weird like that because I was so thrilled! LOL
Two months later, Mr. Wilson asked me to marry him on the beach in Ocean City. Seven months later, we were married.
Our story is rather simple. Mr. Wilson noticed me because of my gorgeous good looks, and I noticed his big head, his beautiful spirit, and genuine love for God. We were brought together by a prayer and by the Creator of the Universe.
I wouldn't have it any other way. God gave me my very own fairy tale and it was better and continues to be better than anything I could have ever imagined. Take that Ariel!
Six years ago I got very real with God about my future prince. While in the shower, I gave Him my list of qualifications for a husband. It was a rather long list and it was VERY detailed. I imagined God sort of laughing at me because some of the things on the list were kind of ridiculous (like nice teeth). The shower got cold as I was finishing my list, so you can imagine it was quite long. Hey, I was a girl who knew what she wanted!
At the time, I was working at a private Christian school. My main goal at the time was to make sure I was focusing solely on God. I was standing in front of a class full of kids day after day telling them about God and I wanted to make sure I was living the life I was preaching about. I didn't have any other concerns. God was my life.
One day at a morning meeting, the teachers had decided to bring in the newly elected student council and pray for them. The handful of students gathered in the center of the teachers as we all began praying for them. Some teachers prayed out loud, some didn't. The first teacher to pray out loud was the Bible teacher who was standing right next to me. I knew him and I knew his voice. He prayed a prayer for a minute or so. Then, there was a pause. Then, another teacher began praying. I was standing there with my eyes closed and head bowed in my own private prayer when all of a sudden something in my spirit just 'woke up.' As this teacher was praying, my spirit came alive. This prayer was so powerful, so genuine, so spirit-filled. It was as if my spirit connected with this prayer somehow. It was crazy! That never happened before! At that point, I still hadn't recognized the voice of the teacher praying, but I HAD to know who it was. So I ever so carefully, lifted my head and opened one eye to see who was praying (hoping no one would see me of course).
The following were the thoughts that went through my head:
"Oh, it's the new Computers teacher praying. What's his name? Mr. uh Mr. Wilson, I think. Wow, that guy can pray! Wow! Gosh, I hope I marry someone who prays like him! Oh God, but please not him. His head is so big!"
LOL Yes, those are the exact thoughts I had! I remember them clearly. I even shared them with Mr. Wilson when we became friends a short time later. He laughed. It's a running joke that the first thing I noticed about him was his abnormally large cranium and the first thing he noticed about me was my flat derriere. A match made in heaven.
Like I said, shortly after that we became friends. Every time we hung out, we spent our time just talking, getting to know each other. We were so content just sitting on the couch talking for hours. There was no doubt there was a special connection between us.
Three months after we started hanging out, and the day before the 4th of July, Mr. Wilson told me he loved me! I believe I tackled him to the ground like a school girl and kissed his nose or something weird like that because I was so thrilled! LOL
Two months later, Mr. Wilson asked me to marry him on the beach in Ocean City. Seven months later, we were married.
Our story is rather simple. Mr. Wilson noticed me because of my gorgeous good looks, and I noticed his big head, his beautiful spirit, and genuine love for God. We were brought together by a prayer and by the Creator of the Universe.
I wouldn't have it any other way. God gave me my very own fairy tale and it was better and continues to be better than anything I could have ever imagined. Take that Ariel!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Psalm 38
This is going to be long, bare with me.
Those of you reading this who know me, know what I've endured the past couple of months. Those of you reading this who don't know me, don't know what I've endured, so I will share a little bit of what has been going on in my life.
Back in January, I wrote a blog post about how God put a particular desire in my heart. I didn't reveal what the desire was, but I knew it was a desire God put in my heart. The desire was to have another baby.
My husband had wanted another baby for a few months at that point, but I was very hesitant. I was too exhausted and one child was enough for me. In December, I started to get jealous of other pregnant women. It was weird for me to be jealous, after all, I wasn't ready for another baby. It wasn't long after that my emotions went from jealousy to a desperate desire to be pregnant again.
Even though I wanted another baby, I couldn't understand why I had such a desire for one. I prayed and asked God why all of sudden I was so desperate (it was just so out of character for me). He told me numerous times that He was the One that put the desire in my heart. Why? I don't know, but He did and now I wanted a baby badly.
As soon as I told my husband I wanted to start trying he was on board, after all, he had already been waiting for me to be ready. We decided in December that we'd start trying when the time was right. One try later, I was pregnant again.
There is no long drawn out story here. By January 14th, I had a positive pregnancy test. Just like my first pregnancy, I got pregnant right away. I have to admit I was kind of surprised. I didn't expect it to happen as fast as it did the first time, but I guess God doesn't mess around.
I was really happy about this pregnancy. I really wanted to enjoy this one. With my son, I was so scared because everything was new that I couldn't enjoy it. I was petrified of everything. With the second pregnancy, I had already done this before, I was set on enjoying it.
Since we were 'trying' for a baby, I knew when to take a pregnancy test, so I found out very early. I was only four weeks pregnant when I took the test. For the first week, I felt really good. I had a bottomless pit of hunger, but I like eating so it didn't bother me. By the middle of the fifth week, everything started going downhill.
I had what I thought was the flu. I felt horrible and constantly wanted to 'toss my cookies' morning, noon, and night. My mom was sick too and expressed similar symptoms so I thought we had the same thing. After two weeks of being in bed and fighting constant nausea, I realized it wasn't the flu. My mom had gotten better, but I was still sick. At that point I assumed it was morning sickness. I wasn't throwing up, I just felt like I was going to ALL. DAY. LONG. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't leave the house for three weeks in fear of exposing what little contents were in my stomach in the middle of the grocery store floor.
Since I was so sick, I spent hours on the couch watching my son play by himself on the floor. Any movement made me want to puke. So playing with him wasn't an option. I felt so guilty. My almost two year old's life was passing me by and I was too sick to enjoy it. I also wasn't able to work out, something that I loved doing. I was too sick to do anything.
Sitting on the couch day after day doing nothing can really get to a person. It didn't take long before I started becoming depressed. I had nothing to lift my spirits. I was sad I couldn't work out. I was sad I couldn't play with my son. I was frustrated I had no energy to do anything. I was miserable.
I prayed a lot sitting on the couch, asking God to help me. I prayed the nights I was so sick and couldn't sleep. I prayed constantly asking God to heal me. I felt I had the faith, but nothing was happening. In fact, I was getting worse. I was getting more frustrated. I prayed a lot and normally I could hear God's voice. This time, I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't understand. It was like God left me. I remember even telling my husband, "I can't hear God anymore. He's not talking to me. I don't understand why He's not talking to me. I need Him now more than ever."
Soon after this realization, things got really bad. My nausea turned to pain. Excruciating pain. Pain I have never felt before in my life. The days were bad. All I could do was sit on the couch. Any movement sent sharp pains throughout my stomach. I walked to the bathroom hunched over. I had trouble breathing. I couldn't eat. The nights were worse. I'd wake up in agony, crying, praying asking God to do whatever He needed to do to make me feel better, even if it meant He had to kill me. There were nights I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to die. I prepared myself to die. I was ready to go if it meant I'd get relief. The pain was just too much to bare.
I knew the pain was being caused by the pregnancy. I was a relatively healthy person before I got pregnant. I ate healthy (most of the time) and I ran every day. There was no doubting the trouble started when I got pregnant. So one night, when the pain was so bad, I told God that I wouldn't be mad if He wanted to take the baby because I knew I'd get relief. I hate to admit it, but it was true. That was how much pain I was in. It was unbearable.
I was afraid to fall asleep at night because I didn't know what I was going to wake up to. I hated the night. It was dreadful. Not only was I afraid of what I would wake up to, but every night was a spiritual battle in my mind. Lying awake in pain got to me and I started thinking about how horrible everything was. I really began to believe I wouldn't make it through this. I really believed the baby was going to die and I'd miscarry because there was no way a baby could survive in an environment that was so weak. At nights I planned how I'd tell everyone the bad news. I had figured out how I'd mourn and then how I'd get through it. If by chance the baby did survive, I prepared myself to endure pain and agony for the next nine months. I thought about death a lot, too. It always seemed like a good option in comparison to the pain.
I knew all my thoughts weren't Godly thoughts and I tried to rebuke them, but I had let myself get so deep into the negativity that it consumed me. Day and night it consumed my mind. Nothing was positive. Nothing positive was going to come out of this. I was going to die. The baby was going to die. I believed that. And I believed that if God could have truly healed me He would have done it already and since He didn't, He didn't have the power to heal me. He wasn't capable. It wasn't happening. So I accepted being sick and drowned further in the negative thoughts.
Even though the negative thoughts consumed me, I still tried praying because something inside me still knew better than to give up. But I continued to feel like God was silent, like He wasn't there. I still tried fighting though, giving it all I had, which wasn't much. This continued for several weeks.
At about 10 weeks pregnant, I woke up to the worst pain I had ever felt. To put it in words it was like someone was punching me in the stomach over and over, while stabbing me in the stomach over and over, while lighting my insides on fire. The pain was physically making me ill and I tried walking to the car to go to the hospital, but I couldn't even walk. I grabbed my cell ready to dial 911, but before I did, I prayed:
"God, help me. I'm calling 911, if you don't heal me now!"
About five minutes later, the pain subsided enough to the point where I could lie down. I was still feeling pain, but it wasn't like it was. Two hours later, I was able to fall asleep again.
The next day I called the doctors office and got an appointment right away. When I saw the doc, everywhere she pushed on my stomach hurt. She sent me for an ultrasound the next day (I had to fast 10 hours). I had multiple ultrasounds done at the ultrasound place, all of which took about an hour and a half. The technician and the doctor there were concerned and told me I needed to see my doctor right away so they could figure out what to do with me.
I went straight from the ultrasound place to my doctors where they told me the results of my ultrasounds. I had 15-20 cysts on my ovaries, one of which was 10 cm. I also had fluid pockets in my upper abdomen pushing on vital organs. I had to go to the hospital right away and see the uterine specialist. Before I left, I asked the doctor what happens to someone who has a 10 cm cyst on their ovary. She told me I would probably need surgery. I asked her if they could do that while I was pregnant and she looked at me and said, "Um, well, no one is going to make you choose the cyst over the baby. Just talk to the specialist at the hospital."
I left the doctors office sure I would lose the baby. I had already had that that thought in my mind and this just confirmed it. The funny thing about that day though was that of the weeks that I had been experiencing all the pain and sickness, that day was the first day I felt God in a long time. He was there that day, walking with me. I could finally feel Him again. I had an overwhelming peace about everything.
I got to the hospital that afternoon expecting the worse, but having an overwhelming peace everything would be fine. We saw the uterine specialist right away and he asked me if I had ever taken fertility drugs. "Why does EVERYONE keep asking me that?" I asked. "Because your insides look like someone who has taken fertility drugs."
My ovaries were way over stimulated for some spontaneous, random reason which is common among women who take fertility drugs, but not women who conceive naturally. The doctor told me I was an interesting case and that it wasn't good to be interesting. I told him I didn't want to be a science experiment and he laughed and said, "Well, yeah, but you kinda are."
The doctor explained that what was happening to me was rare, but he's seen it before. The fluid filled pockets in my ribs were a defense mechanism my body produced to try and combat the cysts, but all they were doing was causing me more pain. He was confident though that the pregnancy hormones had a part in all of it and that once they dropped after 13 weeks, the cysts would dissolve on their own.
"Well, what do I do until then?" was my question. I was only 10 and a half weeks at the time. "Nothing. You wait this out," the doctor responded. "Haha. Nothing?" I said. "Well, you can keep taking Tylenol and whatever you think is helping you and once it gets to be slightly unbearable, just head to the ER and they'll give you some narcotics for the pain." That was the doctors awesome plan. I responded "I don't think you understand. I CANNOT go through what I've been through again. I thought I was going to die. I can't go through that again. And I don't want to go to the ER! What are my other options?" He replied gently, "well, some women terminate their pregnancies because the pain gets so bad...." And he waited for me to respond. "Well, that's not going to happen."
That wasn't me talking when that came out of my mouth. My mind didn't believe what I said, but something inside me did. Something inside me said, 'this baby isn't going anywhere unless God says so.'
My husband and I left the hospital optimistic. These cysts would dissolve in a few weeks and we would do whatever it took to keep me as comfortable as possible in the process. That night I asked people to pray and I felt okay. The next day I felt pain again. That night, I was in agony. The next day I was at my wits end. I walked down the stairs and got out of breath. I burst into tears. Why was God allowing this and why has He still NOT healed me?! How much more can I endure?! He knows I can't go through what I've been through again. Why is this happening?!
I knew deep down something was wrong and not just physically. This was a physical battle, yes, but it was more of a spiritual battle and I was losing. I had a vision of the spiritual battle I was fighting. Satan was throwing massive amounts of spears at me (think the movie 300) and I was hiding behind a rock just trying to stay alive. This was a spiritual battle in my mind, in my soul. I had let the negative thoughts take over. Satan was winning this spiritual battle and I might as well have handed it to him. I was barely fighting.
Something inside me told me I couldn't fight this battle anymore. I had no faith left. So out of desperation I Facebook messaged some ladies who I knew I could be honest with and told them what was going on. I asked them to pray for me and to stand in the gap for me because I couldn't fight anymore. The next day they gathered at my house and prayed the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. And once again, I felt God again. He was there.And again I had peace.
After those beautiful ladies prayed for me, I had no more pain. And to this day, four weeks later, I still don't. That is the power of prayer. The doctor told me he expected to see me in the ER over the course of the few weeks my cysts would be dissolving, but God had other plans. It has been a true miracle.
A few days after I got prayed for, I had a dream I was telling someone about Jesus. This piece of paper I was holding had the answers to this person questions, but every time I looked down I saw in bold print, Psalm 38. That was all I saw. Every time I looked down.
When I woke up I knew it was a word God gave specifically to me for what I was going through. I thought it was going to be about healing and how I was going to be miraculously healed. I was so excited my son decided to uncharacteristically sleep in late so I could study this chapter. I ran and grabbed my bible and started reading.
My excitement soon turned into discontent. If you've ever read Psalm 38, it is not a happy Psalm. In fact, when it's relating to your life, it's the worst thing you'd ever want to read. I did the research and asked my husband to explain the back story. This Psalm is about what David is going through after he commits adultery.
He starts out asking God to not rebuke him in His anger. David says there is no health in his body because of God's wrath on numerous occasions in this chapter. He says the he is like the deaf who cannot hear. All of the things he says in this chapter were things I felt. It was as if I could have written that chapter. When I told my husband that I believed God gave me this chapter, he asked me, "do you feel like David?" and I said yes.
At first, I was a little confused. I haven't committed adultery, so why would I be feeling like David? God revealed sin is sin and no sin is different. Unlike David, my sin wasn't adultery, it was the negative thoughts. It was my lack of faith. I needed to repent and confess that God was the only One who could save me. You better believe I did so immediately. I had to get right with God before I spent another minute on this earth.
I cried and begged God to forgive me and apologized over and over for messing up. I knew better than to lack faith and I felt so guilty. God revealed my sin and it was nasty. Part of me had trouble believing God could forgive the dirtiness and nastiness of my sins, but He reminded me that I felt like David and David was a man after God's own heart. He was perfectly capable of forgiving me.
I was so hesitant to write this because no one likes admitting they've sinned and that they messed up. But when I shared this story with my mom, she told me to be happy that God was still moving in my life. So I've taken that approach.
And I use it as a warning for myself and others. Sin is a poison. God revealed that to me. It will physically make you sick. I thought since I have been a Christian all my life, I thought I was immune to things like that, but how quickly I got sucked into those negative thoughts and lack of faith. It happened quickly before I could stop it. And once that negativity got in, it took over. It spread like cancer. FAST.
Just because you know Jesus doesn't mean you are immune to sin. Yes, we know better and we know how Satan comes in, but sometimes in a weakened state, our defenses go down and it doesn't take long before Satan can wreck havoc on our lives.
Don't be like me. Yes, we are powerful in Jesus but not perfect. And we all sin. Make sure you repent.
Psalm 38 (NIV)
Those of you reading this who know me, know what I've endured the past couple of months. Those of you reading this who don't know me, don't know what I've endured, so I will share a little bit of what has been going on in my life.
Back in January, I wrote a blog post about how God put a particular desire in my heart. I didn't reveal what the desire was, but I knew it was a desire God put in my heart. The desire was to have another baby.
My husband had wanted another baby for a few months at that point, but I was very hesitant. I was too exhausted and one child was enough for me. In December, I started to get jealous of other pregnant women. It was weird for me to be jealous, after all, I wasn't ready for another baby. It wasn't long after that my emotions went from jealousy to a desperate desire to be pregnant again.
Even though I wanted another baby, I couldn't understand why I had such a desire for one. I prayed and asked God why all of sudden I was so desperate (it was just so out of character for me). He told me numerous times that He was the One that put the desire in my heart. Why? I don't know, but He did and now I wanted a baby badly.
As soon as I told my husband I wanted to start trying he was on board, after all, he had already been waiting for me to be ready. We decided in December that we'd start trying when the time was right. One try later, I was pregnant again.
There is no long drawn out story here. By January 14th, I had a positive pregnancy test. Just like my first pregnancy, I got pregnant right away. I have to admit I was kind of surprised. I didn't expect it to happen as fast as it did the first time, but I guess God doesn't mess around.
I was really happy about this pregnancy. I really wanted to enjoy this one. With my son, I was so scared because everything was new that I couldn't enjoy it. I was petrified of everything. With the second pregnancy, I had already done this before, I was set on enjoying it.
Since we were 'trying' for a baby, I knew when to take a pregnancy test, so I found out very early. I was only four weeks pregnant when I took the test. For the first week, I felt really good. I had a bottomless pit of hunger, but I like eating so it didn't bother me. By the middle of the fifth week, everything started going downhill.
I had what I thought was the flu. I felt horrible and constantly wanted to 'toss my cookies' morning, noon, and night. My mom was sick too and expressed similar symptoms so I thought we had the same thing. After two weeks of being in bed and fighting constant nausea, I realized it wasn't the flu. My mom had gotten better, but I was still sick. At that point I assumed it was morning sickness. I wasn't throwing up, I just felt like I was going to ALL. DAY. LONG. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't leave the house for three weeks in fear of exposing what little contents were in my stomach in the middle of the grocery store floor.
Since I was so sick, I spent hours on the couch watching my son play by himself on the floor. Any movement made me want to puke. So playing with him wasn't an option. I felt so guilty. My almost two year old's life was passing me by and I was too sick to enjoy it. I also wasn't able to work out, something that I loved doing. I was too sick to do anything.
Sitting on the couch day after day doing nothing can really get to a person. It didn't take long before I started becoming depressed. I had nothing to lift my spirits. I was sad I couldn't work out. I was sad I couldn't play with my son. I was frustrated I had no energy to do anything. I was miserable.
I prayed a lot sitting on the couch, asking God to help me. I prayed the nights I was so sick and couldn't sleep. I prayed constantly asking God to heal me. I felt I had the faith, but nothing was happening. In fact, I was getting worse. I was getting more frustrated. I prayed a lot and normally I could hear God's voice. This time, I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't understand. It was like God left me. I remember even telling my husband, "I can't hear God anymore. He's not talking to me. I don't understand why He's not talking to me. I need Him now more than ever."
Soon after this realization, things got really bad. My nausea turned to pain. Excruciating pain. Pain I have never felt before in my life. The days were bad. All I could do was sit on the couch. Any movement sent sharp pains throughout my stomach. I walked to the bathroom hunched over. I had trouble breathing. I couldn't eat. The nights were worse. I'd wake up in agony, crying, praying asking God to do whatever He needed to do to make me feel better, even if it meant He had to kill me. There were nights I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to die. I prepared myself to die. I was ready to go if it meant I'd get relief. The pain was just too much to bare.
I knew the pain was being caused by the pregnancy. I was a relatively healthy person before I got pregnant. I ate healthy (most of the time) and I ran every day. There was no doubting the trouble started when I got pregnant. So one night, when the pain was so bad, I told God that I wouldn't be mad if He wanted to take the baby because I knew I'd get relief. I hate to admit it, but it was true. That was how much pain I was in. It was unbearable.
I was afraid to fall asleep at night because I didn't know what I was going to wake up to. I hated the night. It was dreadful. Not only was I afraid of what I would wake up to, but every night was a spiritual battle in my mind. Lying awake in pain got to me and I started thinking about how horrible everything was. I really began to believe I wouldn't make it through this. I really believed the baby was going to die and I'd miscarry because there was no way a baby could survive in an environment that was so weak. At nights I planned how I'd tell everyone the bad news. I had figured out how I'd mourn and then how I'd get through it. If by chance the baby did survive, I prepared myself to endure pain and agony for the next nine months. I thought about death a lot, too. It always seemed like a good option in comparison to the pain.
I knew all my thoughts weren't Godly thoughts and I tried to rebuke them, but I had let myself get so deep into the negativity that it consumed me. Day and night it consumed my mind. Nothing was positive. Nothing positive was going to come out of this. I was going to die. The baby was going to die. I believed that. And I believed that if God could have truly healed me He would have done it already and since He didn't, He didn't have the power to heal me. He wasn't capable. It wasn't happening. So I accepted being sick and drowned further in the negative thoughts.
Even though the negative thoughts consumed me, I still tried praying because something inside me still knew better than to give up. But I continued to feel like God was silent, like He wasn't there. I still tried fighting though, giving it all I had, which wasn't much. This continued for several weeks.
At about 10 weeks pregnant, I woke up to the worst pain I had ever felt. To put it in words it was like someone was punching me in the stomach over and over, while stabbing me in the stomach over and over, while lighting my insides on fire. The pain was physically making me ill and I tried walking to the car to go to the hospital, but I couldn't even walk. I grabbed my cell ready to dial 911, but before I did, I prayed:
"God, help me. I'm calling 911, if you don't heal me now!"
About five minutes later, the pain subsided enough to the point where I could lie down. I was still feeling pain, but it wasn't like it was. Two hours later, I was able to fall asleep again.
The next day I called the doctors office and got an appointment right away. When I saw the doc, everywhere she pushed on my stomach hurt. She sent me for an ultrasound the next day (I had to fast 10 hours). I had multiple ultrasounds done at the ultrasound place, all of which took about an hour and a half. The technician and the doctor there were concerned and told me I needed to see my doctor right away so they could figure out what to do with me.
I went straight from the ultrasound place to my doctors where they told me the results of my ultrasounds. I had 15-20 cysts on my ovaries, one of which was 10 cm. I also had fluid pockets in my upper abdomen pushing on vital organs. I had to go to the hospital right away and see the uterine specialist. Before I left, I asked the doctor what happens to someone who has a 10 cm cyst on their ovary. She told me I would probably need surgery. I asked her if they could do that while I was pregnant and she looked at me and said, "Um, well, no one is going to make you choose the cyst over the baby. Just talk to the specialist at the hospital."
I left the doctors office sure I would lose the baby. I had already had that that thought in my mind and this just confirmed it. The funny thing about that day though was that of the weeks that I had been experiencing all the pain and sickness, that day was the first day I felt God in a long time. He was there that day, walking with me. I could finally feel Him again. I had an overwhelming peace about everything.
I got to the hospital that afternoon expecting the worse, but having an overwhelming peace everything would be fine. We saw the uterine specialist right away and he asked me if I had ever taken fertility drugs. "Why does EVERYONE keep asking me that?" I asked. "Because your insides look like someone who has taken fertility drugs."
My ovaries were way over stimulated for some spontaneous, random reason which is common among women who take fertility drugs, but not women who conceive naturally. The doctor told me I was an interesting case and that it wasn't good to be interesting. I told him I didn't want to be a science experiment and he laughed and said, "Well, yeah, but you kinda are."
The doctor explained that what was happening to me was rare, but he's seen it before. The fluid filled pockets in my ribs were a defense mechanism my body produced to try and combat the cysts, but all they were doing was causing me more pain. He was confident though that the pregnancy hormones had a part in all of it and that once they dropped after 13 weeks, the cysts would dissolve on their own.
"Well, what do I do until then?" was my question. I was only 10 and a half weeks at the time. "Nothing. You wait this out," the doctor responded. "Haha. Nothing?" I said. "Well, you can keep taking Tylenol and whatever you think is helping you and once it gets to be slightly unbearable, just head to the ER and they'll give you some narcotics for the pain." That was the doctors awesome plan. I responded "I don't think you understand. I CANNOT go through what I've been through again. I thought I was going to die. I can't go through that again. And I don't want to go to the ER! What are my other options?" He replied gently, "well, some women terminate their pregnancies because the pain gets so bad...." And he waited for me to respond. "Well, that's not going to happen."
That wasn't me talking when that came out of my mouth. My mind didn't believe what I said, but something inside me did. Something inside me said, 'this baby isn't going anywhere unless God says so.'
My husband and I left the hospital optimistic. These cysts would dissolve in a few weeks and we would do whatever it took to keep me as comfortable as possible in the process. That night I asked people to pray and I felt okay. The next day I felt pain again. That night, I was in agony. The next day I was at my wits end. I walked down the stairs and got out of breath. I burst into tears. Why was God allowing this and why has He still NOT healed me?! How much more can I endure?! He knows I can't go through what I've been through again. Why is this happening?!
I knew deep down something was wrong and not just physically. This was a physical battle, yes, but it was more of a spiritual battle and I was losing. I had a vision of the spiritual battle I was fighting. Satan was throwing massive amounts of spears at me (think the movie 300) and I was hiding behind a rock just trying to stay alive. This was a spiritual battle in my mind, in my soul. I had let the negative thoughts take over. Satan was winning this spiritual battle and I might as well have handed it to him. I was barely fighting.
Something inside me told me I couldn't fight this battle anymore. I had no faith left. So out of desperation I Facebook messaged some ladies who I knew I could be honest with and told them what was going on. I asked them to pray for me and to stand in the gap for me because I couldn't fight anymore. The next day they gathered at my house and prayed the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. And once again, I felt God again. He was there.And again I had peace.
After those beautiful ladies prayed for me, I had no more pain. And to this day, four weeks later, I still don't. That is the power of prayer. The doctor told me he expected to see me in the ER over the course of the few weeks my cysts would be dissolving, but God had other plans. It has been a true miracle.
A few days after I got prayed for, I had a dream I was telling someone about Jesus. This piece of paper I was holding had the answers to this person questions, but every time I looked down I saw in bold print, Psalm 38. That was all I saw. Every time I looked down.
When I woke up I knew it was a word God gave specifically to me for what I was going through. I thought it was going to be about healing and how I was going to be miraculously healed. I was so excited my son decided to uncharacteristically sleep in late so I could study this chapter. I ran and grabbed my bible and started reading.
My excitement soon turned into discontent. If you've ever read Psalm 38, it is not a happy Psalm. In fact, when it's relating to your life, it's the worst thing you'd ever want to read. I did the research and asked my husband to explain the back story. This Psalm is about what David is going through after he commits adultery.
He starts out asking God to not rebuke him in His anger. David says there is no health in his body because of God's wrath on numerous occasions in this chapter. He says the he is like the deaf who cannot hear. All of the things he says in this chapter were things I felt. It was as if I could have written that chapter. When I told my husband that I believed God gave me this chapter, he asked me, "do you feel like David?" and I said yes.
At first, I was a little confused. I haven't committed adultery, so why would I be feeling like David? God revealed sin is sin and no sin is different. Unlike David, my sin wasn't adultery, it was the negative thoughts. It was my lack of faith. I needed to repent and confess that God was the only One who could save me. You better believe I did so immediately. I had to get right with God before I spent another minute on this earth.
I cried and begged God to forgive me and apologized over and over for messing up. I knew better than to lack faith and I felt so guilty. God revealed my sin and it was nasty. Part of me had trouble believing God could forgive the dirtiness and nastiness of my sins, but He reminded me that I felt like David and David was a man after God's own heart. He was perfectly capable of forgiving me.
I was so hesitant to write this because no one likes admitting they've sinned and that they messed up. But when I shared this story with my mom, she told me to be happy that God was still moving in my life. So I've taken that approach.
And I use it as a warning for myself and others. Sin is a poison. God revealed that to me. It will physically make you sick. I thought since I have been a Christian all my life, I thought I was immune to things like that, but how quickly I got sucked into those negative thoughts and lack of faith. It happened quickly before I could stop it. And once that negativity got in, it took over. It spread like cancer. FAST.
Just because you know Jesus doesn't mean you are immune to sin. Yes, we know better and we know how Satan comes in, but sometimes in a weakened state, our defenses go down and it doesn't take long before Satan can wreck havoc on our lives.
Don't be like me. Yes, we are powerful in Jesus but not perfect. And we all sin. Make sure you repent.
Psalm 38 (NIV)
A psalm of David. A petition.
1 Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
5 My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
7 My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
because of my sinful folly.
6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
7 My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
9 All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
12 Those who want to kill me set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they scheme and lie.
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
12 Those who want to kill me set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they scheme and lie.
13 I am like the deaf, who cannot hear,
like the mute, who cannot speak;
14 I have become like one who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 Lord, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.”
like the mute, who cannot speak;
14 I have become like one who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 Lord, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.”
17 For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.
18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many have become my enemies without cause[b];
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil
lodge accusations against me,
though I seek only to do what is good.
and my pain is ever with me.
18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many have become my enemies without cause[b];
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil
lodge accusations against me,
though I seek only to do what is good.
21 Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.
do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Habakkuk 3:17
This is my all time favorite verse because it comes from one of my all time favorite songs. My mom had these Praise Hosanna tapes when I was growing up (if you grew up in church, you probably know what I'm talking about) and there was a song on there based off this verse.
I don't know what it was about that song that I liked so much. I just connected with it for some reason. I just loved it. I knew that if I listened to that song and prayed, I'd hear God's voice. Maybe I'm weird, I don't know. I just loved that song.
And I still love that song and I still love that verse. The song is saved on my Kindle Fire because I listen to it when I run. It's comparable to the Rocky IV soundtrack. LOL It gets me pumped up I guess you could say. It gives me the strength to persevere. I know it sounds silly, but it's true for me.
And although I never knew how hard it could be to praise God in such difficult times until recently (and trust me, at times, its the last thing Ive wanted to do), this song connects with my spirit and reminds me what to do in desperate times. It gets me pumped up to persevere.
**Side note: In the midst of this storm, I've realized how simple my faith is. I thought I was stronger in Christ than I actually was, but I was wrong. I've got some work to do.
Thank you God for not giving up on me, reminding me You still love me no matter what, and that You will never leave me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNGSDQTwkUI
I don't know what it was about that song that I liked so much. I just connected with it for some reason. I just loved it. I knew that if I listened to that song and prayed, I'd hear God's voice. Maybe I'm weird, I don't know. I just loved that song.
And I still love that song and I still love that verse. The song is saved on my Kindle Fire because I listen to it when I run. It's comparable to the Rocky IV soundtrack. LOL It gets me pumped up I guess you could say. It gives me the strength to persevere. I know it sounds silly, but it's true for me.
And although I never knew how hard it could be to praise God in such difficult times until recently (and trust me, at times, its the last thing Ive wanted to do), this song connects with my spirit and reminds me what to do in desperate times. It gets me pumped up to persevere.
**Side note: In the midst of this storm, I've realized how simple my faith is. I thought I was stronger in Christ than I actually was, but I was wrong. I've got some work to do.
Thank you God for not giving up on me, reminding me You still love me no matter what, and that You will never leave me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNGSDQTwkUI
Monday, January 14, 2013
Psalm 37:4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart (KJV)
I know I know I KNOW! We've all heard this verse...at least I'm assuming. God gave my mom this verse when she was pregnant with me and didn't know it. She longed for a baby girl and after an ectopic pregnancy, the doctors told her it wasn't possible. God had other plans. Here I am. Healthy as can be. This verse is MY verse because it was how I came into existence. Needless to say, I've heard this verse a lot, from my mom, when she reminds me that I am meant to be here.
I always thought this verse meant that God would give us our fleshly desires. For example, I want to win the lottery. God will allow this to happen because it is a desire of my heart. FALSE. That is not what that verse means.
A few weeks ago, I had a very random desire enter my heart (I promise I will share what it was at a later date). It seemed like out of no where I started to desire this one thing. It was a little strange so I talked to God about it. In the midst of cleaning and praying and telling God I was a little confused of this new desire, He said to me, "Gina, I put that desire there." My repsonse: "HUH????? Say what now? You what?" (why am I always so dumb when it comes to conversing with God. I'm always so clueless to the most obvious things. I feel like God's always like, "Cmon Gina, this isn't rocket science").
After many questions, God gave me Psalm 37:4, but He revealed to me that it doesn't mean He will give us our fleshly desires (like the lottery or a mansion). He revealed that He actually puts the appropriate desires in our hearts, for His purpose, for His glory. Insert mind blown.
God's GIVES us our desires. He puts the desire in there. I imagine because we don't really know what we want like God knows (I'm guessing).
So, I learned something new. Pretty cool. So now that I have this new desire, I've been praying that God would reveal more to me. And on Sunday He did. Again, I was praying about this desire and in the midst of beautiful worship at Authentic, God said, "Gina, I gave you that desire." Of course, I asked God to be more specific and of course He told me to trust Him.
I'm not really sure why God put this desire in my heart, but it is very neat to see God doing something in my life. It has made me realize how in control I'm not and how God controls even the littlest things like my desires.
Thanking God for reminding me He's still very real in my life. Feeling blessed having Him as my Father. Thanking Him for choosing me to reveal things to and to use me for His glory. What an honor!
#ILoveJesus
I always thought this verse meant that God would give us our fleshly desires. For example, I want to win the lottery. God will allow this to happen because it is a desire of my heart. FALSE. That is not what that verse means.
A few weeks ago, I had a very random desire enter my heart (I promise I will share what it was at a later date). It seemed like out of no where I started to desire this one thing. It was a little strange so I talked to God about it. In the midst of cleaning and praying and telling God I was a little confused of this new desire, He said to me, "Gina, I put that desire there." My repsonse: "HUH????? Say what now? You what?" (why am I always so dumb when it comes to conversing with God. I'm always so clueless to the most obvious things. I feel like God's always like, "Cmon Gina, this isn't rocket science").
After many questions, God gave me Psalm 37:4, but He revealed to me that it doesn't mean He will give us our fleshly desires (like the lottery or a mansion). He revealed that He actually puts the appropriate desires in our hearts, for His purpose, for His glory. Insert mind blown.
God's GIVES us our desires. He puts the desire in there. I imagine because we don't really know what we want like God knows (I'm guessing).
So, I learned something new. Pretty cool. So now that I have this new desire, I've been praying that God would reveal more to me. And on Sunday He did. Again, I was praying about this desire and in the midst of beautiful worship at Authentic, God said, "Gina, I gave you that desire." Of course, I asked God to be more specific and of course He told me to trust Him.
I'm not really sure why God put this desire in my heart, but it is very neat to see God doing something in my life. It has made me realize how in control I'm not and how God controls even the littlest things like my desires.
Thanking God for reminding me He's still very real in my life. Feeling blessed having Him as my Father. Thanking Him for choosing me to reveal things to and to use me for His glory. What an honor!
#ILoveJesus
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