Ever since the death of a close family friend I've been struggling with doubt. I've been doubting God on all levels, right down to His existence. I couldn't seem to understand why such a loving God could snuff out a life so quickly and without warning. In the midst of me trying to figure it all out, I couldn't seem to find God in death or in any other life circumstance for that matter. God seemed to just disappear.
I struggled trying to see Him in my everyday. I couldn't see Him in nature like some. I couldn't see Him in my kids like before. I couldn't see Him at church, at Bible Study, or in conversation about Him. Where did He go when I felt I needed to see and feel Him the most?
Shortly after our dear friend's passing, I ended up in the ER with a health issue. I was pretty much traumatized by the event and no matter how hard I prayed or tried to find God, it seemed as if He wasn't there. I felt so abandoned and betrayed.
In the days following my ER visit, God felt even more silent and distant, and my doubt in His existence was even worse. I was so convinced God didn't exist that I was ready to start telling everyone He didn't exist. Why wasn't He showing up in the midst of such turmoil when I needed Him most? Clearly because He wasn't really there.
With all that was happening with life and my desperate attempt to find a non-existing God, I became depressed and was surrendering my days to sadness and depression before I opened my eyes. I cried a lot, worried more, and lost all patience with anything that was in front of me. I was in a rip current of depression and fear and no matter how hard I tried to swim to God (or anything positive for that matter), I wasn't going anywhere. I was tired physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Then there was Bible Study. This past week's Bible Study was unique. Our usual fearless leader, had work and a new fearless leader would be filling in. I offered up our house for BS as the meeting place to switch things up a bit. That Wednesday morning I was kicking myself. The rip current was pulling me deeper into the ocean and the last place I wanted to be was at BS. I even felt that if BS was at it's usual meeting place, I wouldn't go. Part of me contemplated hiding in my bedroom all night, avoiding everyone, including God, but part of me knew the best place for me to be (given my current state) was at BS. So, I reluctantly obliged to whatever it was that was telling me to go.
Our leader began Bible Study with, "So, we're going to talk about doubt." Really? I did a little chuckle to myself as I knew this study was God's way of revealing Himself to me, but there was also a part of me that thought it might just be coincidence.
As our group shared some of the things they doubted about God, I felt a little better knowing I wasn't alone. However, I was still so skeptical and as that pesky rip current tugged at my heart, I desperately wanted BS to end so I could continue to drown in my depression. It was so much easier to let it pull at me than to fight it.
Toward the end of BS, our leader said something along the lines of being obsessed with researching archeological facts of Jesus's existence on this earth over the past week in preparation for BS. Immediately I thought, "oh God, please don't read them all." He seemed reluctant at first to read them since our conversation with the group had kind of gone off in a different direction, but he decided to read them anyway.
He read the first one and I kind of rolled my eyes. Then, he read the second. And it was like all of a sudden, something inside me clicked. All my doubt disappeared and it was as if I found Jesus again. He existed and there was no doubt about it anymore. And because He existed, His Word existed. And because His Word existed, His promises existed. And because His promises existed, He never left me, He still loved me, He still cared, and He comforted me. All because He EXISTED. He is alive. And He was and is alive in me. My spirit had been renewed and refreshed and I felt like I had made it back onto the beach out of the rip current.
I imagine that if someone was studying my body language at that moment, that my entire demeanor changed. I imagine I sat up straighter and my facial expression showed happiness and peace, instead of sadness and fear. I had found Jesus again and it seemed so simple and obvious. After all my desperate attempts to find Him left me exhausted, all it took was a fellow brother in the Lord to mention some simple, but very true facts. It changed my life.
The next morning I woke up differently. Instead of handing my day over to the devil, I woke up ready to fight for my day. And I'm happy to say I won. I didn't let anything hinder my thoughts or happiness. It was the best day I had in weeks.
God is very much in existence, even when we can't see Him or find Him. And I know there are times we are so desperate for Him and it seems at those desperate moments He goes silent. But immerse yourself in Him in every way possible. Focus your thoughts on Him, go to Bible Study (even when you don't feel like it), go to church, and surround yourself with believers who can encourage you. I can guarantee you will find God and that He will meet you somewhere. He has yet to not meet me. I always find Him.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
The Biggest Lie in My Life (This Is My Open Mic)
A beautiful sister in the Lord sent me this (Francis Chan) video this morning. No doubt God used her in my time of need. This morning started out poorly. Almost immediately, I woke up stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed with the days events. My mind began racing with all the things I wanted to get done. Before breakfast was over, I found myself outside on the front porch in tears because I already couldn't stand the day. I was overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed.
After pulling myself together, I walked back in, head down, and made my way into the computer room without talking to anyone. I opened my email as a way to escape life for a moment and found that Francis Chan video. The video was 40 minutes long which seemed like a lifetime in a mom's life, but I found myself clicking on it and listening to the WHOLE thing. And I'm glad I did because it changed my day. What God revealed to me was pretty interesting.
You see, I'm a busy, often overwhelmed and stressed, mom of two precious boys. Lucky for me, both of my boys nap at the same time in the afternoon. However, I'm so emotionally and mentally drained from the day that by 2 PM (their nap time) all I can imagine doing is staring at a wall. And that's usually what I do, kind of. I find something that's completely mindless and do it until the boys wake up. Sometimes it's surfing the web, reading news websites, or watching TV. The spirit inside me tells me to pray or read my Bible, but the human in me says, "God understands you're busy, do what you want. Besides, praying and reading is too difficult and you're too tired." You're too tired. I'm too tired.
That's the biggest lie in my life right now. Yes, God understands. He understands I'm a busy mom of two. He understands I'm tired. He understands I'm stressed, overwhelmed, and drained. But, I've been trying to get over on God. You see, I'm too tired at night to read my Bible, but I'm not too tired to go for a run. I'm too tired to pray during nap time, but I'm not too tired to surf the web. It's a lie. I'm NOT too tired to do those things, it's just that I haven't made them a priority. If I'm honest, I don't want to do those things. Reading and praying are not what I want to do with my precious 'down time.' What God showed me through that video is that the biggest lie in my life is that I'm too tired for Him. And I justify it by saying, "God understands my situation." I've believed my own lie.
What now? Well, here is my open mic. I am confessing my lies to you. Pray for me. Pray for more of a desire for God. Pray I use my down time to seek His face. Pray for wisdom.
I'm so grateful to have beautiful sisters in the Lord who listen to the spirit in them. I probably would have continued to go on through my days lying to myself, telling myself that I was too busy for God, but it was okay because He understood.
Watch the video. Confront the lies in your life. And use an open mic to confess it. Then, ask people to pray for you. I'll pray for you. After all, we're in this together and I'm no more or less a sinner than everyone else.
After pulling myself together, I walked back in, head down, and made my way into the computer room without talking to anyone. I opened my email as a way to escape life for a moment and found that Francis Chan video. The video was 40 minutes long which seemed like a lifetime in a mom's life, but I found myself clicking on it and listening to the WHOLE thing. And I'm glad I did because it changed my day. What God revealed to me was pretty interesting.
You see, I'm a busy, often overwhelmed and stressed, mom of two precious boys. Lucky for me, both of my boys nap at the same time in the afternoon. However, I'm so emotionally and mentally drained from the day that by 2 PM (their nap time) all I can imagine doing is staring at a wall. And that's usually what I do, kind of. I find something that's completely mindless and do it until the boys wake up. Sometimes it's surfing the web, reading news websites, or watching TV. The spirit inside me tells me to pray or read my Bible, but the human in me says, "God understands you're busy, do what you want. Besides, praying and reading is too difficult and you're too tired." You're too tired. I'm too tired.
That's the biggest lie in my life right now. Yes, God understands. He understands I'm a busy mom of two. He understands I'm tired. He understands I'm stressed, overwhelmed, and drained. But, I've been trying to get over on God. You see, I'm too tired at night to read my Bible, but I'm not too tired to go for a run. I'm too tired to pray during nap time, but I'm not too tired to surf the web. It's a lie. I'm NOT too tired to do those things, it's just that I haven't made them a priority. If I'm honest, I don't want to do those things. Reading and praying are not what I want to do with my precious 'down time.' What God showed me through that video is that the biggest lie in my life is that I'm too tired for Him. And I justify it by saying, "God understands my situation." I've believed my own lie.
What now? Well, here is my open mic. I am confessing my lies to you. Pray for me. Pray for more of a desire for God. Pray I use my down time to seek His face. Pray for wisdom.
I'm so grateful to have beautiful sisters in the Lord who listen to the spirit in them. I probably would have continued to go on through my days lying to myself, telling myself that I was too busy for God, but it was okay because He understood.
Watch the video. Confront the lies in your life. And use an open mic to confess it. Then, ask people to pray for you. I'll pray for you. After all, we're in this together and I'm no more or less a sinner than everyone else.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
A Beautiful Mess
Hi my name is Gina. At the urge of my beautiful sister in law, I started reading this book called "Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life." I was hesitant to read it at first because immediately upon receiving this book, I thought, "my life is fine. I don't need this book" I was wrong. After reading only the first few chapters, I decided to share something with you. I'm sharing it because I want you to know you aren't alone in hiding a messy life. We all do it. We all hide our imperfections. And the first step in healing that messy part of your life is realizing what's messy. Sometimes it's something we don't even realize until God reveals it to us.
So, here I go. And please know this is totally and completely uncomfortable for me, but if it helps someone, than it's worth it.
My name is Gina and I'm a mess. My skeletons? I had an eating disorder. And I'm afraid to this day it'll creep back up on me. I battle it daily. I'm like an addict. It's always there. I had sex before I was married and it messed me up. I had sex because it made me feel pretty and I thought it would make the guys I was having sex with like me more. I view sex as everything other than what God intended it for. Because of my sexual past, I feel gross about myself. After six years of marriage, I still don't understand why my husband loves me so much after what I did with guys other than him. I'm still recovering. I drank way too much because I thought it made me look cool and it helped me forget the depression I was battling in college. The morning afters were the worst. I contemplated suicide every time. I've held knives to my wrists. Instead of killing myself, I binge ate and had sex. I smoked pot because my boyfriend dealt it. There were times I tried to smoke and drink myself to death because I didn't want to face the next morning and that horrible, empty feeling.
Those are my skeletons. I've given them over to God and literally said, "here, take this mess, and make it beautiful." He's currently working on it.
Hi, my name is Gina and I am a Beautiful Mess.
So, here I go. And please know this is totally and completely uncomfortable for me, but if it helps someone, than it's worth it.
My name is Gina and I'm a mess. My skeletons? I had an eating disorder. And I'm afraid to this day it'll creep back up on me. I battle it daily. I'm like an addict. It's always there. I had sex before I was married and it messed me up. I had sex because it made me feel pretty and I thought it would make the guys I was having sex with like me more. I view sex as everything other than what God intended it for. Because of my sexual past, I feel gross about myself. After six years of marriage, I still don't understand why my husband loves me so much after what I did with guys other than him. I'm still recovering. I drank way too much because I thought it made me look cool and it helped me forget the depression I was battling in college. The morning afters were the worst. I contemplated suicide every time. I've held knives to my wrists. Instead of killing myself, I binge ate and had sex. I smoked pot because my boyfriend dealt it. There were times I tried to smoke and drink myself to death because I didn't want to face the next morning and that horrible, empty feeling.
Those are my skeletons. I've given them over to God and literally said, "here, take this mess, and make it beautiful." He's currently working on it.
Hi, my name is Gina and I am a Beautiful Mess.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Prayer and Raising Boys
You're probably gonna think I'm crazy, but please hear me out.
My son is three. I wouldn't say he's a 'typical boy' in that he eats dirt and shovels everything into his mouth. However, he is ALL boy and he loves to play rough with anyone and anything he comes in contact with. Sometimes it's like a light switch that goes off in him and when it does, move all the babies out of the way. He's not a malicious child and people have made it a point to tell us this. He's not mean spirited or evil (for goodness sake, he's my cuddler), he's just a BOY. He thinks rolling over top of his eight month old brother is hilarious and he does it because he's trying to 'play' with him. He'll run full speed into someone with his hand out and try to 'tag' them 'it' while unknowingly smacking them in the face. In the same step, he'll look behind him to see if that child is chasing after him and run full speed into the little girl in front of him.
I'm not making excuses for him, I promise. I used to drive myself crazy telling him to calm down every five seconds of the day. It caused me so much anxiety and stress. I'd cry at night wondering what the heck was wrong with my child while everyone swore he was 'just a boy,' but that didn't stop the 'you should have your parenting license revoked' stares I'd get at the playground. I'd call my husband at work crying on the way home from the playground completely embarrassed and distraught. I really thought there was something wrong with my son. He didn't understand how to play nice and calm no matter how many times I smacked his hand or put him in time out. I'd pray night and day for wisdom as to how I should raise my son and I still do, but nothing I did worked. I begged God for help and wondered why I was constantly failing. Why were everyone elses kids perfectly behaved and mine couldn't seem to control himself? What was I doing wrong.
Then, one night I had a dream. God revealed to me what was going on with my son. God showed me how Satan was getting to him, while I was completely unaware. And it came from a place I least expected it.
Technology. I'm not one of those 'granola mommies' (although I respect them). I believe in moderation when it comes to a lot of things. As a teacher, I believe technology can be a great learning tool and I allow my son to utilize our Nexus. It has child protection locks and he can't get to anything he's not supposed to, but even with the "child protection lock" on YouTube, the Ads are not child protected. My son was seeing Victoria Secret Ads and previews for movies about people who were demon possessed. That was how Satan was getting to my son.
A lot of people might think I'm crazy for thinking that has anything to do with his behavior, but being with him all day every day, I can see a significant change in his behavior since I deleted the YouTube app. Others have noted his good behavior as well.
This post isn't about bashing YouTube (we still watch it..TOGETHER) or technology. It's not about behavior in little boys. It's about praying, seeking God, and asking Him for wisdom on how to raise our future generation. And it takes perseverance. I can't tell you how many times I cried over his behavior before I had that dream. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to throw in the towel and just accept that my son was just an 'out of control three year old boy." I can't even begin to explain the struggle and frustration I faced as a mom through all of this. But God helped me. He gave me insight and wisdom. And I am so grateful I have Jesus to depend on. Knowing He has my boys in His hands is the most comforting thing in the world, even when those difficult times arise in the season of being a mom.
So if you get anything out of this post get this: don't give up on yourself as a parent. Pray. Ask God for wisdom. Seek Him. Ask Him for help and hand your children over to Him. He has yet to let me down and I know if you trust Him, He won't let you down either. Praying should be our first option as parents, not our last.
My son is three. I wouldn't say he's a 'typical boy' in that he eats dirt and shovels everything into his mouth. However, he is ALL boy and he loves to play rough with anyone and anything he comes in contact with. Sometimes it's like a light switch that goes off in him and when it does, move all the babies out of the way. He's not a malicious child and people have made it a point to tell us this. He's not mean spirited or evil (for goodness sake, he's my cuddler), he's just a BOY. He thinks rolling over top of his eight month old brother is hilarious and he does it because he's trying to 'play' with him. He'll run full speed into someone with his hand out and try to 'tag' them 'it' while unknowingly smacking them in the face. In the same step, he'll look behind him to see if that child is chasing after him and run full speed into the little girl in front of him.
I'm not making excuses for him, I promise. I used to drive myself crazy telling him to calm down every five seconds of the day. It caused me so much anxiety and stress. I'd cry at night wondering what the heck was wrong with my child while everyone swore he was 'just a boy,' but that didn't stop the 'you should have your parenting license revoked' stares I'd get at the playground. I'd call my husband at work crying on the way home from the playground completely embarrassed and distraught. I really thought there was something wrong with my son. He didn't understand how to play nice and calm no matter how many times I smacked his hand or put him in time out. I'd pray night and day for wisdom as to how I should raise my son and I still do, but nothing I did worked. I begged God for help and wondered why I was constantly failing. Why were everyone elses kids perfectly behaved and mine couldn't seem to control himself? What was I doing wrong.
Then, one night I had a dream. God revealed to me what was going on with my son. God showed me how Satan was getting to him, while I was completely unaware. And it came from a place I least expected it.
Technology. I'm not one of those 'granola mommies' (although I respect them). I believe in moderation when it comes to a lot of things. As a teacher, I believe technology can be a great learning tool and I allow my son to utilize our Nexus. It has child protection locks and he can't get to anything he's not supposed to, but even with the "child protection lock" on YouTube, the Ads are not child protected. My son was seeing Victoria Secret Ads and previews for movies about people who were demon possessed. That was how Satan was getting to my son.
A lot of people might think I'm crazy for thinking that has anything to do with his behavior, but being with him all day every day, I can see a significant change in his behavior since I deleted the YouTube app. Others have noted his good behavior as well.
This post isn't about bashing YouTube (we still watch it..TOGETHER) or technology. It's not about behavior in little boys. It's about praying, seeking God, and asking Him for wisdom on how to raise our future generation. And it takes perseverance. I can't tell you how many times I cried over his behavior before I had that dream. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to throw in the towel and just accept that my son was just an 'out of control three year old boy." I can't even begin to explain the struggle and frustration I faced as a mom through all of this. But God helped me. He gave me insight and wisdom. And I am so grateful I have Jesus to depend on. Knowing He has my boys in His hands is the most comforting thing in the world, even when those difficult times arise in the season of being a mom.
So if you get anything out of this post get this: don't give up on yourself as a parent. Pray. Ask God for wisdom. Seek Him. Ask Him for help and hand your children over to Him. He has yet to let me down and I know if you trust Him, He won't let you down either. Praying should be our first option as parents, not our last.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Call It A Christmas Miracle - Two Days Late
As many of our friends and family know, 2013 was a tough year for us. As it came to a close, we hoped that we would be able to enjoy what was left of the month of December. Although three houses fell through for us and John's job situation didn't work out (again), we looked forward to enjoying the Christmas season with family and close friends. Despite the rainy weather, we enjoyed my annual birthday dinner in Cape May mid December and we rejoiced in finding amazing renters for our condo.
As we began packing up our condo in anticipation for our big move across a few towns to my parents house, sickness struck the Wilson household. As if 2013 wasn't hard enough, Caleb developed a terrible, double ear infection that sent him to Urgent Care the weekend before Christmas. Although it was awful to see him in pain and not acting like his normal feisty self, I thanked God it was just an ear infection and that he would be back to normal in a few days thanks to some antibiotics.
That was only the beginning.
Caleb visited Urgent Care the Saturday before Christmas. Aaron was there the next day. I prayed and hoped it was also an ear infection (like Caleb had), but it was much worse.
Aaron threw up the week before Christmas. Although it was a lot for a little baby, it was random and only once so we figured maybe he had eaten too much. The following day it happened again and although we were concerned we figured it was just a bug. By Saturday though, he was vomiting more than once a day and it was everything he was eating and more.
I started getting concerned and was praying it was just an ear infection, although deep down I knew it was more serious then that. By Sunday, Aaron was wincing in pain and throwing up constantly. It was scary so I took him to Urgent Care.
Before I left, I changed him and I noticed his stomach was distended. I had a feeling I should take him to the ER, but for whatever reason I went to Urgent Care first. As soon as I got there things got bad. Aaron hadn't eaten in six hours and for a breastfed baby, that was a long time. I tried to feed him, but as soon as I got him in position, he threw up everywhere and all over me. In the midst of all that, I was trying to fill out paper work while catching vomit. I was sweating and held back tears as I tried to help my screaming baby. I literally felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare.
Thankfully, everyone around me noticed and tried to help. All the employees at Urgent Care and a few people waiting did things to help me. I called John and asked him to meet me. I was losing it. I tried talking to the woman next to me to distract myself from all that was going on, but in the midst of our conversation, I could feel tears running down my cheeks. The sleepless nights and having my baby scream in pain and not having a clue how to help him was devastating. All of that frustration came to a head at Urgent Care. I was desperate to help my baby.
It wasn't long after that we got called back to see the doctor. "Randomly," but definitely by an act of God, Aaron and Caleb's pediatrician was at Urgent Care that day. He knew us and our children well and it was a relief to see a familiar face. John arrived as our doctor walked in. Ten thousand pounds were lifted from my shoulders. Hopefully, we could find out what was going on.
The pediatrician took one look at Aaron and told us there was something very wrong. He did an external exam and noticed his distended stomach and told us to head to the hospital right away. The ten thousand pounds that were lifted felt like it all returned. We knew there was something terribly wrong.
John and I made our way to Shore Memorial hospital and were seen right away. Aaron threw up a few times while we were there and continued to wince in pain. The doctors took x-rays and hooked him up to an IV. I almost threw up watching them try and put that IV in his arm. It was the worst thing I feel like I ever witnessed.
We were told the x-rays of his stomach came back fine as did all the tests. They wanted to do an ultrasound of his distended belly, but they told us they didn't have the technology to do it (something I still don't quite understand today). They let him finish the IV and sent us home. Aaron seemed better, although his stomach was still distended.
As I was driving home, I heard him throw up again. I prayed it was just me being paranoid, but when we got home, I was right. He threw up EVERYWHERE. I was so frustrated but hoped it was the last time. I changed Aaron when we got home and started to walk into the living room from Aaron's changing table to settle down for the night. Before I sat down, he threw up all over the place again. Why was this happening?!
We had had such long nights with Aaron and decided that unless it continued, we'd stay home for the night instead of heading back to the hospital. Thankfully, things didn't get worse.
The next few days before Christmas were a blur. I started to get sick and Aaron kept throwing up. It got to the point where I would nurse him and purposely pull him on and off so he didn't projectile vomit right back on me (which happened most of the time anyway). I'd pray so hard every time he nursed for him to hold it down and when he didn't, I'd cry and get upset. Every nursing session was draining both physically and emotionally. But the doctors seemed to think it was a bug, so we just waited for this 'bug' to pass, although it had been five days of almost constant projectile vomit.
In the midst of all this mess, we started packing up our condo in anticipation to move to my parents. We were supposed to move before Christmas, but with the kids being sick and then me feeling under the weather, not much got packed and we pushed the date back. Luckily, our renters were more than accommodating.
Christmas Eve came and the usual festivities took place. I wanted to stay home, but all of the kids' Christmas presents were at my parent's house since we were supposed to be there for Christmas anyway. We went to the annual Christmas Eve party at my moms, but because of how sick Aaron was, I spent a majority of the night upstairs in the nursery with him. I was upset I missed the fun, but was completely distracted by my sick baby. I just wanted him to be well.
Christmas morning came and Aaron still wasn't better. It was difficult to enjoy the day knowing how sick he was. I had a hard time taking pictures of Caleb as I constantly looked back at Aaron wondering if he was okay (my mom held Aaron while John and I tried to focus on Caleb opening his gifts). We spent most of the day at home and didn't travel like we normally do on Christmas. Christmas night, Aaron continued to throw up every time I fed him. It was officially a week since he started throwing up. I was doubtful it was just a 'bug.'
The morning after Christmas Aaron projectile vomited all over me in the midst of nursing. Frustrated and upset, I called the doctor at four in the morning. The doc on call didn't get back to me right away so I decided to head to the ER. I was desperate to see my baby back to normal.
John and I headed to the hospital and Aaron continued to projectile vomit. When we got there, we waited in the back for a bit to see the doctor even though it wasn't busy. While we waited, we searched our phones for answers to why Aaron was vomiting so much. We found a disorder called pyloric stenosis that causes consistent projectile vomiting and Aaron matched the symptoms perfectly. We were convinced this was what he had. Everything that had been happening to Aaron was just a confirmation of this disorder. We knew we wanted an ultrasound to be sure.
As we continued to wait, I asked John when he thought we would be sent home. I was desperate to get home and enjoy at least some of the holiday season and resume life as normal. He looked at me and said, "they are going to admit Aaron and we are going to be here overnight."
Call it a gut feeling or hearing from God, but sometimes John just KNOWS things are going to happen, and this time, he just KNEW we were going to be admitted. As much as I didn't want to believe him, I knew he was right. There we were, the day after Christmas, still trying to pack and move, and we were going to be admitted. I looked at him and burst into tears, "why is this happening to us?!" He looked at me, then looked down and said, "I don't know, but church has been really encouraging lately, although the rest of our lives are shattering to pieces." Clearly, we were being attacked.
A short time after that, the pediatric doctor came in, took one look at Aaron and said, "why is he breathing like that?" "Like what?" I said. "Like that. Has he been breathing like that for awhile?" Huhh? I was so confused. Then, he asked me if I was sick too, in which I brushed off and said, "yeah, I have a cold."
I was so focused on the projectile vomit, that I failed to recognize the fact that Aaron was having trouble breathing. I thought he was dry heaving, not wheezing. Aaron was tested for RSV-pneumonia and it came back positive. John was right, we were going to be admitted. We immediately asked about getting an ultra sound for his belly which was ordered after we were taken to our room.
All the babies on the pediatric unit had RSV. There were about six or seven of us there which was a little encouraging. It was comforting to know there were others facing what we were facing and they seemed to be holding it together. Except Aaron was a little different with the vomiting issue. I asked everyone who came into our room if RSV caused projectile vomit. Over and over again, I was told 'No,' which convinced me even more he had pyloric stenosis.
A few hours after we got to our room, they took Aaron down for an ultrasound to check for pyloric stenosis. I was happy we were finally getting an ultrasound, something we should had gotten several days earlier when we visited the ER the first time. They wheeled him in, stripped him down, squirted jelly on him, and rolled the little wand over his belly. I looked at the screen in search of something, anything, that looked out of sorts, but I had no idea what I was looking at. I looked back and forth from the screen to the Tech and back again. She wasn't saying anything and I couldn't read her facial expressions. I was desperate for some answers.
Finally after about ten minutes she looked at me and said, "It looks like he has pyloric stenosis, but there's a lot of gas bubbles in there so we are going to confirm tomorrow with another ultrasound." "What does that mean?" I asked. "It means he has pyloric stenosis."
I was relieved we had found an answer, but also scared of an impending surgery on my three month old. Also, the surgery would have to be done at CHOP and after all we had been through, the thought of traveling there was daunting.
A short time after the ultrasound, the doctor came in and confirmed Aaron's diagnosis. He called it 'borderline pyloric stenosis' since they wanted to confirm with another ultrasound the next day, but he was pretty sure that's what Aaron had. We immediately asked people to pray.
We were relieved we had an answer, but surgery scared us a bit, especially on a three month old baby. We, without a doubt, felt the prayers going up for us, because both John and I talked about the overwhelming peace we had about the whole thing. God was 110% in control and we knew our baby would be fine.
I wasn't allowed to feed Aaron for 24 hours until his next ultrasound which was upsetting to both of us. And since he was all hooked up to IVs and various machines, I couldn't hold him. Luckily, Aaron was tired enough from everything he'd been through and slept the best he slept since he got sick (which still wasn't great).
Since Aaron was so small and couldn't (and shouldn't) go too long without eating, he was first to get an ultrasound the next day. The nurse wheeled him down to the ultrasound room as I prayed and walked behind them. We got to the room and the same procedures as the day before happened again. As soon as the wand hit his belly, I searched the screen for something that looked out of the ordinary. Again, I had no idea what I was looking at. I looked at the Tech doing the ultrasound and tried to read her facial expressions. She was expressionless. Five minutes later, she was done.
The Tech wiped off the jelly from Aaron's belly and didn't say anything. I was waiting for her to tell me what was going on, but the room remained silent. Finally after what felt like forever, Aaron's nurse spoke up. "So what's going on with this little guy?" she asked. The ultrasound Tech responded, "Well, whatever was there yesterday and whatever they saw, isn't there today." They continued to talk as if this wasn't some sort of miracle! Aaron's nurse said, "Oh, so there's nothing there? No pyloric stenosis?" "No pyloric stenosis. He's fine. It's all clear."
What?! I almost dropped dead. Part of me wanted to shake them. Didn't they realize what just happened?!
I was beyond elated that Aaron's ultrasound was clear and that there would be no impending surgery. The doctor came in a few hours later and confirmed what the Tech had reported. The doctor did an external exam and Aaron seemed to be fine. All symptoms of the disorder we really felt he had, were no longer present. I couldn't believe it. I had fully prepared myself for the diagnosis and yet, he was fine. Both John and I really felt and thought he had this disorder and were completely prepared to face whatever obstacles this disorder presented. I was shocked, but so happy!
We ended up staying in the hospital a few more days because of the RSV which was terribly dreadful, but the prayers going up for us certainly carried us through. When they finally discharged us, we practically ran through the front doors without looking back!
There never was an explanation for the vomiting. No one had any answers. All we know is that we went into the hospital with a very sick baby who was throwing up constantly and we left with a baby that was miraculously healed.
We cannot thank everyone enough for the prayers. It was beyond comforting and we are so appreciative! The private messages and emails were also a huge comfort and encouragement to me as I sat with my sick baby in that awful hospital room. Personally speaking, I would have never made it through without the prayers carrying us through this battle.
And yes, it was made clear to John and I this was clearly an attack. As I mentioned earlier, John had said church was encouraging at the time but the rest of our lives were shattering.
When we planted our church, we knew we'd have a giant target on our back. We knew we'd face trials we never faced before. And we knew we'd struggle. Knowing all of this, I begged God, that in the midst of inevitable attacks, that He spare my children. "Please God," I begged, "don't allow my children to suffer."
I fully expected God to protect my children. And for a long time, I thought He failed me. However, looking back, I realize He did protect my children. Yes, Aaron got sick. Yes, it was hell for a few weeks, but Aaron is perfectly fine. Aaron was miraculously healed and if that's not an amazingly, awesome example of God's protection, I don't know what is.
God was there every step of the way even though I questioned His power and protection over our lives. He has proven to me that He is in control, He is sovereign, and He is most definitely present in my life.
Thank you God for being with me in this trial! Thank you for your peace, presence and Holy Spirit comforting me. Thank you for proving Yourself to me once again!
I write all this to encourage you, to let you know God is out there and is working! Please allow Him to work in Your life! You won't be disappointed!
As we began packing up our condo in anticipation for our big move across a few towns to my parents house, sickness struck the Wilson household. As if 2013 wasn't hard enough, Caleb developed a terrible, double ear infection that sent him to Urgent Care the weekend before Christmas. Although it was awful to see him in pain and not acting like his normal feisty self, I thanked God it was just an ear infection and that he would be back to normal in a few days thanks to some antibiotics.
That was only the beginning.
Caleb visited Urgent Care the Saturday before Christmas. Aaron was there the next day. I prayed and hoped it was also an ear infection (like Caleb had), but it was much worse.
Aaron threw up the week before Christmas. Although it was a lot for a little baby, it was random and only once so we figured maybe he had eaten too much. The following day it happened again and although we were concerned we figured it was just a bug. By Saturday though, he was vomiting more than once a day and it was everything he was eating and more.
I started getting concerned and was praying it was just an ear infection, although deep down I knew it was more serious then that. By Sunday, Aaron was wincing in pain and throwing up constantly. It was scary so I took him to Urgent Care.
Before I left, I changed him and I noticed his stomach was distended. I had a feeling I should take him to the ER, but for whatever reason I went to Urgent Care first. As soon as I got there things got bad. Aaron hadn't eaten in six hours and for a breastfed baby, that was a long time. I tried to feed him, but as soon as I got him in position, he threw up everywhere and all over me. In the midst of all that, I was trying to fill out paper work while catching vomit. I was sweating and held back tears as I tried to help my screaming baby. I literally felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare.
Thankfully, everyone around me noticed and tried to help. All the employees at Urgent Care and a few people waiting did things to help me. I called John and asked him to meet me. I was losing it. I tried talking to the woman next to me to distract myself from all that was going on, but in the midst of our conversation, I could feel tears running down my cheeks. The sleepless nights and having my baby scream in pain and not having a clue how to help him was devastating. All of that frustration came to a head at Urgent Care. I was desperate to help my baby.
It wasn't long after that we got called back to see the doctor. "Randomly," but definitely by an act of God, Aaron and Caleb's pediatrician was at Urgent Care that day. He knew us and our children well and it was a relief to see a familiar face. John arrived as our doctor walked in. Ten thousand pounds were lifted from my shoulders. Hopefully, we could find out what was going on.
The pediatrician took one look at Aaron and told us there was something very wrong. He did an external exam and noticed his distended stomach and told us to head to the hospital right away. The ten thousand pounds that were lifted felt like it all returned. We knew there was something terribly wrong.
John and I made our way to Shore Memorial hospital and were seen right away. Aaron threw up a few times while we were there and continued to wince in pain. The doctors took x-rays and hooked him up to an IV. I almost threw up watching them try and put that IV in his arm. It was the worst thing I feel like I ever witnessed.
We were told the x-rays of his stomach came back fine as did all the tests. They wanted to do an ultrasound of his distended belly, but they told us they didn't have the technology to do it (something I still don't quite understand today). They let him finish the IV and sent us home. Aaron seemed better, although his stomach was still distended.
As I was driving home, I heard him throw up again. I prayed it was just me being paranoid, but when we got home, I was right. He threw up EVERYWHERE. I was so frustrated but hoped it was the last time. I changed Aaron when we got home and started to walk into the living room from Aaron's changing table to settle down for the night. Before I sat down, he threw up all over the place again. Why was this happening?!
We had had such long nights with Aaron and decided that unless it continued, we'd stay home for the night instead of heading back to the hospital. Thankfully, things didn't get worse.
The next few days before Christmas were a blur. I started to get sick and Aaron kept throwing up. It got to the point where I would nurse him and purposely pull him on and off so he didn't projectile vomit right back on me (which happened most of the time anyway). I'd pray so hard every time he nursed for him to hold it down and when he didn't, I'd cry and get upset. Every nursing session was draining both physically and emotionally. But the doctors seemed to think it was a bug, so we just waited for this 'bug' to pass, although it had been five days of almost constant projectile vomit.
In the midst of all this mess, we started packing up our condo in anticipation to move to my parents. We were supposed to move before Christmas, but with the kids being sick and then me feeling under the weather, not much got packed and we pushed the date back. Luckily, our renters were more than accommodating.
Christmas Eve came and the usual festivities took place. I wanted to stay home, but all of the kids' Christmas presents were at my parent's house since we were supposed to be there for Christmas anyway. We went to the annual Christmas Eve party at my moms, but because of how sick Aaron was, I spent a majority of the night upstairs in the nursery with him. I was upset I missed the fun, but was completely distracted by my sick baby. I just wanted him to be well.
Christmas morning came and Aaron still wasn't better. It was difficult to enjoy the day knowing how sick he was. I had a hard time taking pictures of Caleb as I constantly looked back at Aaron wondering if he was okay (my mom held Aaron while John and I tried to focus on Caleb opening his gifts). We spent most of the day at home and didn't travel like we normally do on Christmas. Christmas night, Aaron continued to throw up every time I fed him. It was officially a week since he started throwing up. I was doubtful it was just a 'bug.'
The morning after Christmas Aaron projectile vomited all over me in the midst of nursing. Frustrated and upset, I called the doctor at four in the morning. The doc on call didn't get back to me right away so I decided to head to the ER. I was desperate to see my baby back to normal.
John and I headed to the hospital and Aaron continued to projectile vomit. When we got there, we waited in the back for a bit to see the doctor even though it wasn't busy. While we waited, we searched our phones for answers to why Aaron was vomiting so much. We found a disorder called pyloric stenosis that causes consistent projectile vomiting and Aaron matched the symptoms perfectly. We were convinced this was what he had. Everything that had been happening to Aaron was just a confirmation of this disorder. We knew we wanted an ultrasound to be sure.
As we continued to wait, I asked John when he thought we would be sent home. I was desperate to get home and enjoy at least some of the holiday season and resume life as normal. He looked at me and said, "they are going to admit Aaron and we are going to be here overnight."
Call it a gut feeling or hearing from God, but sometimes John just KNOWS things are going to happen, and this time, he just KNEW we were going to be admitted. As much as I didn't want to believe him, I knew he was right. There we were, the day after Christmas, still trying to pack and move, and we were going to be admitted. I looked at him and burst into tears, "why is this happening to us?!" He looked at me, then looked down and said, "I don't know, but church has been really encouraging lately, although the rest of our lives are shattering to pieces." Clearly, we were being attacked.
A short time after that, the pediatric doctor came in, took one look at Aaron and said, "why is he breathing like that?" "Like what?" I said. "Like that. Has he been breathing like that for awhile?" Huhh? I was so confused. Then, he asked me if I was sick too, in which I brushed off and said, "yeah, I have a cold."
I was so focused on the projectile vomit, that I failed to recognize the fact that Aaron was having trouble breathing. I thought he was dry heaving, not wheezing. Aaron was tested for RSV-pneumonia and it came back positive. John was right, we were going to be admitted. We immediately asked about getting an ultra sound for his belly which was ordered after we were taken to our room.
All the babies on the pediatric unit had RSV. There were about six or seven of us there which was a little encouraging. It was comforting to know there were others facing what we were facing and they seemed to be holding it together. Except Aaron was a little different with the vomiting issue. I asked everyone who came into our room if RSV caused projectile vomit. Over and over again, I was told 'No,' which convinced me even more he had pyloric stenosis.
A few hours after we got to our room, they took Aaron down for an ultrasound to check for pyloric stenosis. I was happy we were finally getting an ultrasound, something we should had gotten several days earlier when we visited the ER the first time. They wheeled him in, stripped him down, squirted jelly on him, and rolled the little wand over his belly. I looked at the screen in search of something, anything, that looked out of sorts, but I had no idea what I was looking at. I looked back and forth from the screen to the Tech and back again. She wasn't saying anything and I couldn't read her facial expressions. I was desperate for some answers.
Finally after about ten minutes she looked at me and said, "It looks like he has pyloric stenosis, but there's a lot of gas bubbles in there so we are going to confirm tomorrow with another ultrasound." "What does that mean?" I asked. "It means he has pyloric stenosis."
I was relieved we had found an answer, but also scared of an impending surgery on my three month old. Also, the surgery would have to be done at CHOP and after all we had been through, the thought of traveling there was daunting.
A short time after the ultrasound, the doctor came in and confirmed Aaron's diagnosis. He called it 'borderline pyloric stenosis' since they wanted to confirm with another ultrasound the next day, but he was pretty sure that's what Aaron had. We immediately asked people to pray.
We were relieved we had an answer, but surgery scared us a bit, especially on a three month old baby. We, without a doubt, felt the prayers going up for us, because both John and I talked about the overwhelming peace we had about the whole thing. God was 110% in control and we knew our baby would be fine.
I wasn't allowed to feed Aaron for 24 hours until his next ultrasound which was upsetting to both of us. And since he was all hooked up to IVs and various machines, I couldn't hold him. Luckily, Aaron was tired enough from everything he'd been through and slept the best he slept since he got sick (which still wasn't great).
Since Aaron was so small and couldn't (and shouldn't) go too long without eating, he was first to get an ultrasound the next day. The nurse wheeled him down to the ultrasound room as I prayed and walked behind them. We got to the room and the same procedures as the day before happened again. As soon as the wand hit his belly, I searched the screen for something that looked out of the ordinary. Again, I had no idea what I was looking at. I looked at the Tech doing the ultrasound and tried to read her facial expressions. She was expressionless. Five minutes later, she was done.
The Tech wiped off the jelly from Aaron's belly and didn't say anything. I was waiting for her to tell me what was going on, but the room remained silent. Finally after what felt like forever, Aaron's nurse spoke up. "So what's going on with this little guy?" she asked. The ultrasound Tech responded, "Well, whatever was there yesterday and whatever they saw, isn't there today." They continued to talk as if this wasn't some sort of miracle! Aaron's nurse said, "Oh, so there's nothing there? No pyloric stenosis?" "No pyloric stenosis. He's fine. It's all clear."
What?! I almost dropped dead. Part of me wanted to shake them. Didn't they realize what just happened?!
I was beyond elated that Aaron's ultrasound was clear and that there would be no impending surgery. The doctor came in a few hours later and confirmed what the Tech had reported. The doctor did an external exam and Aaron seemed to be fine. All symptoms of the disorder we really felt he had, were no longer present. I couldn't believe it. I had fully prepared myself for the diagnosis and yet, he was fine. Both John and I really felt and thought he had this disorder and were completely prepared to face whatever obstacles this disorder presented. I was shocked, but so happy!
We ended up staying in the hospital a few more days because of the RSV which was terribly dreadful, but the prayers going up for us certainly carried us through. When they finally discharged us, we practically ran through the front doors without looking back!
There never was an explanation for the vomiting. No one had any answers. All we know is that we went into the hospital with a very sick baby who was throwing up constantly and we left with a baby that was miraculously healed.
We cannot thank everyone enough for the prayers. It was beyond comforting and we are so appreciative! The private messages and emails were also a huge comfort and encouragement to me as I sat with my sick baby in that awful hospital room. Personally speaking, I would have never made it through without the prayers carrying us through this battle.
And yes, it was made clear to John and I this was clearly an attack. As I mentioned earlier, John had said church was encouraging at the time but the rest of our lives were shattering.
When we planted our church, we knew we'd have a giant target on our back. We knew we'd face trials we never faced before. And we knew we'd struggle. Knowing all of this, I begged God, that in the midst of inevitable attacks, that He spare my children. "Please God," I begged, "don't allow my children to suffer."
I fully expected God to protect my children. And for a long time, I thought He failed me. However, looking back, I realize He did protect my children. Yes, Aaron got sick. Yes, it was hell for a few weeks, but Aaron is perfectly fine. Aaron was miraculously healed and if that's not an amazingly, awesome example of God's protection, I don't know what is.
God was there every step of the way even though I questioned His power and protection over our lives. He has proven to me that He is in control, He is sovereign, and He is most definitely present in my life.
Thank you God for being with me in this trial! Thank you for your peace, presence and Holy Spirit comforting me. Thank you for proving Yourself to me once again!
I write all this to encourage you, to let you know God is out there and is working! Please allow Him to work in Your life! You won't be disappointed!
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