Every little girl dreams of finding their prince and I was no different. As far back as I could remember I imagined my prince. He was tall, handsome and looked very much like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. I couldn't wait to find my prince.
Six years ago I got very real with God about my future prince. While in the shower, I gave Him my list of qualifications for a husband. It was a rather long list and it was VERY detailed. I imagined God sort of laughing at me because some of the things on the list were kind of ridiculous (like nice teeth). The shower got cold as I was finishing my list, so you can imagine it was quite long. Hey, I was a girl who knew what she wanted!
At the time, I was working at a private Christian school. My main goal at the time was to make sure I was focusing solely on God. I was standing in front of a class full of kids day after day telling them about God and I wanted to make sure I was living the life I was preaching about. I didn't have any other concerns. God was my life.
One day at a morning meeting, the teachers had decided to bring in the newly elected student council and pray for them. The handful of students gathered in the center of the teachers as we all began praying for them. Some teachers prayed out loud, some didn't. The first teacher to pray out loud was the Bible teacher who was standing right next to me. I knew him and I knew his voice. He prayed a prayer for a minute or so. Then, there was a pause. Then, another teacher began praying. I was standing there with my eyes closed and head bowed in my own private prayer when all of a sudden something in my spirit just 'woke up.' As this teacher was praying, my spirit came alive. This prayer was so powerful, so genuine, so spirit-filled. It was as if my spirit connected with this prayer somehow. It was crazy! That never happened before! At that point, I still hadn't recognized the voice of the teacher praying, but I HAD to know who it was. So I ever so carefully, lifted my head and opened one eye to see who was praying (hoping no one would see me of course).
The following were the thoughts that went through my head:
"Oh, it's the new Computers teacher praying. What's his name? Mr. uh Mr. Wilson, I think. Wow, that guy can pray! Wow! Gosh, I hope I marry someone who prays like him! Oh God, but please not him. His head is so big!"
LOL Yes, those are the exact thoughts I had! I remember them clearly. I even shared them with Mr. Wilson when we became friends a short time later. He laughed. It's a running joke that the first thing I noticed about him was his abnormally large cranium and the first thing he noticed about me was my flat derriere. A match made in heaven.
Like I said, shortly after that we became friends. Every time we hung out, we spent our time just talking, getting to know each other. We were so content just sitting on the couch talking for hours. There was no doubt there was a special connection between us.
Three months after we started hanging out, and the day before the 4th of July, Mr. Wilson told me he loved me! I believe I tackled him to the ground like a school girl and kissed his nose or something weird like that because I was so thrilled! LOL
Two months later, Mr. Wilson asked me to marry him on the beach in Ocean City. Seven months later, we were married.
Our story is rather simple. Mr. Wilson noticed me because of my gorgeous good looks, and I noticed his big head, his beautiful spirit, and genuine love for God. We were brought together by a prayer and by the Creator of the Universe.
I wouldn't have it any other way. God gave me my very own fairy tale and it was better and continues to be better than anything I could have ever imagined. Take that Ariel!
Friday, March 22, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Psalm 38
This is going to be long, bare with me.
Those of you reading this who know me, know what I've endured the past couple of months. Those of you reading this who don't know me, don't know what I've endured, so I will share a little bit of what has been going on in my life.
Back in January, I wrote a blog post about how God put a particular desire in my heart. I didn't reveal what the desire was, but I knew it was a desire God put in my heart. The desire was to have another baby.
My husband had wanted another baby for a few months at that point, but I was very hesitant. I was too exhausted and one child was enough for me. In December, I started to get jealous of other pregnant women. It was weird for me to be jealous, after all, I wasn't ready for another baby. It wasn't long after that my emotions went from jealousy to a desperate desire to be pregnant again.
Even though I wanted another baby, I couldn't understand why I had such a desire for one. I prayed and asked God why all of sudden I was so desperate (it was just so out of character for me). He told me numerous times that He was the One that put the desire in my heart. Why? I don't know, but He did and now I wanted a baby badly.
As soon as I told my husband I wanted to start trying he was on board, after all, he had already been waiting for me to be ready. We decided in December that we'd start trying when the time was right. One try later, I was pregnant again.
There is no long drawn out story here. By January 14th, I had a positive pregnancy test. Just like my first pregnancy, I got pregnant right away. I have to admit I was kind of surprised. I didn't expect it to happen as fast as it did the first time, but I guess God doesn't mess around.
I was really happy about this pregnancy. I really wanted to enjoy this one. With my son, I was so scared because everything was new that I couldn't enjoy it. I was petrified of everything. With the second pregnancy, I had already done this before, I was set on enjoying it.
Since we were 'trying' for a baby, I knew when to take a pregnancy test, so I found out very early. I was only four weeks pregnant when I took the test. For the first week, I felt really good. I had a bottomless pit of hunger, but I like eating so it didn't bother me. By the middle of the fifth week, everything started going downhill.
I had what I thought was the flu. I felt horrible and constantly wanted to 'toss my cookies' morning, noon, and night. My mom was sick too and expressed similar symptoms so I thought we had the same thing. After two weeks of being in bed and fighting constant nausea, I realized it wasn't the flu. My mom had gotten better, but I was still sick. At that point I assumed it was morning sickness. I wasn't throwing up, I just felt like I was going to ALL. DAY. LONG. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't leave the house for three weeks in fear of exposing what little contents were in my stomach in the middle of the grocery store floor.
Since I was so sick, I spent hours on the couch watching my son play by himself on the floor. Any movement made me want to puke. So playing with him wasn't an option. I felt so guilty. My almost two year old's life was passing me by and I was too sick to enjoy it. I also wasn't able to work out, something that I loved doing. I was too sick to do anything.
Sitting on the couch day after day doing nothing can really get to a person. It didn't take long before I started becoming depressed. I had nothing to lift my spirits. I was sad I couldn't work out. I was sad I couldn't play with my son. I was frustrated I had no energy to do anything. I was miserable.
I prayed a lot sitting on the couch, asking God to help me. I prayed the nights I was so sick and couldn't sleep. I prayed constantly asking God to heal me. I felt I had the faith, but nothing was happening. In fact, I was getting worse. I was getting more frustrated. I prayed a lot and normally I could hear God's voice. This time, I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't understand. It was like God left me. I remember even telling my husband, "I can't hear God anymore. He's not talking to me. I don't understand why He's not talking to me. I need Him now more than ever."
Soon after this realization, things got really bad. My nausea turned to pain. Excruciating pain. Pain I have never felt before in my life. The days were bad. All I could do was sit on the couch. Any movement sent sharp pains throughout my stomach. I walked to the bathroom hunched over. I had trouble breathing. I couldn't eat. The nights were worse. I'd wake up in agony, crying, praying asking God to do whatever He needed to do to make me feel better, even if it meant He had to kill me. There were nights I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to die. I prepared myself to die. I was ready to go if it meant I'd get relief. The pain was just too much to bare.
I knew the pain was being caused by the pregnancy. I was a relatively healthy person before I got pregnant. I ate healthy (most of the time) and I ran every day. There was no doubting the trouble started when I got pregnant. So one night, when the pain was so bad, I told God that I wouldn't be mad if He wanted to take the baby because I knew I'd get relief. I hate to admit it, but it was true. That was how much pain I was in. It was unbearable.
I was afraid to fall asleep at night because I didn't know what I was going to wake up to. I hated the night. It was dreadful. Not only was I afraid of what I would wake up to, but every night was a spiritual battle in my mind. Lying awake in pain got to me and I started thinking about how horrible everything was. I really began to believe I wouldn't make it through this. I really believed the baby was going to die and I'd miscarry because there was no way a baby could survive in an environment that was so weak. At nights I planned how I'd tell everyone the bad news. I had figured out how I'd mourn and then how I'd get through it. If by chance the baby did survive, I prepared myself to endure pain and agony for the next nine months. I thought about death a lot, too. It always seemed like a good option in comparison to the pain.
I knew all my thoughts weren't Godly thoughts and I tried to rebuke them, but I had let myself get so deep into the negativity that it consumed me. Day and night it consumed my mind. Nothing was positive. Nothing positive was going to come out of this. I was going to die. The baby was going to die. I believed that. And I believed that if God could have truly healed me He would have done it already and since He didn't, He didn't have the power to heal me. He wasn't capable. It wasn't happening. So I accepted being sick and drowned further in the negative thoughts.
Even though the negative thoughts consumed me, I still tried praying because something inside me still knew better than to give up. But I continued to feel like God was silent, like He wasn't there. I still tried fighting though, giving it all I had, which wasn't much. This continued for several weeks.
At about 10 weeks pregnant, I woke up to the worst pain I had ever felt. To put it in words it was like someone was punching me in the stomach over and over, while stabbing me in the stomach over and over, while lighting my insides on fire. The pain was physically making me ill and I tried walking to the car to go to the hospital, but I couldn't even walk. I grabbed my cell ready to dial 911, but before I did, I prayed:
"God, help me. I'm calling 911, if you don't heal me now!"
About five minutes later, the pain subsided enough to the point where I could lie down. I was still feeling pain, but it wasn't like it was. Two hours later, I was able to fall asleep again.
The next day I called the doctors office and got an appointment right away. When I saw the doc, everywhere she pushed on my stomach hurt. She sent me for an ultrasound the next day (I had to fast 10 hours). I had multiple ultrasounds done at the ultrasound place, all of which took about an hour and a half. The technician and the doctor there were concerned and told me I needed to see my doctor right away so they could figure out what to do with me.
I went straight from the ultrasound place to my doctors where they told me the results of my ultrasounds. I had 15-20 cysts on my ovaries, one of which was 10 cm. I also had fluid pockets in my upper abdomen pushing on vital organs. I had to go to the hospital right away and see the uterine specialist. Before I left, I asked the doctor what happens to someone who has a 10 cm cyst on their ovary. She told me I would probably need surgery. I asked her if they could do that while I was pregnant and she looked at me and said, "Um, well, no one is going to make you choose the cyst over the baby. Just talk to the specialist at the hospital."
I left the doctors office sure I would lose the baby. I had already had that that thought in my mind and this just confirmed it. The funny thing about that day though was that of the weeks that I had been experiencing all the pain and sickness, that day was the first day I felt God in a long time. He was there that day, walking with me. I could finally feel Him again. I had an overwhelming peace about everything.
I got to the hospital that afternoon expecting the worse, but having an overwhelming peace everything would be fine. We saw the uterine specialist right away and he asked me if I had ever taken fertility drugs. "Why does EVERYONE keep asking me that?" I asked. "Because your insides look like someone who has taken fertility drugs."
My ovaries were way over stimulated for some spontaneous, random reason which is common among women who take fertility drugs, but not women who conceive naturally. The doctor told me I was an interesting case and that it wasn't good to be interesting. I told him I didn't want to be a science experiment and he laughed and said, "Well, yeah, but you kinda are."
The doctor explained that what was happening to me was rare, but he's seen it before. The fluid filled pockets in my ribs were a defense mechanism my body produced to try and combat the cysts, but all they were doing was causing me more pain. He was confident though that the pregnancy hormones had a part in all of it and that once they dropped after 13 weeks, the cysts would dissolve on their own.
"Well, what do I do until then?" was my question. I was only 10 and a half weeks at the time. "Nothing. You wait this out," the doctor responded. "Haha. Nothing?" I said. "Well, you can keep taking Tylenol and whatever you think is helping you and once it gets to be slightly unbearable, just head to the ER and they'll give you some narcotics for the pain." That was the doctors awesome plan. I responded "I don't think you understand. I CANNOT go through what I've been through again. I thought I was going to die. I can't go through that again. And I don't want to go to the ER! What are my other options?" He replied gently, "well, some women terminate their pregnancies because the pain gets so bad...." And he waited for me to respond. "Well, that's not going to happen."
That wasn't me talking when that came out of my mouth. My mind didn't believe what I said, but something inside me did. Something inside me said, 'this baby isn't going anywhere unless God says so.'
My husband and I left the hospital optimistic. These cysts would dissolve in a few weeks and we would do whatever it took to keep me as comfortable as possible in the process. That night I asked people to pray and I felt okay. The next day I felt pain again. That night, I was in agony. The next day I was at my wits end. I walked down the stairs and got out of breath. I burst into tears. Why was God allowing this and why has He still NOT healed me?! How much more can I endure?! He knows I can't go through what I've been through again. Why is this happening?!
I knew deep down something was wrong and not just physically. This was a physical battle, yes, but it was more of a spiritual battle and I was losing. I had a vision of the spiritual battle I was fighting. Satan was throwing massive amounts of spears at me (think the movie 300) and I was hiding behind a rock just trying to stay alive. This was a spiritual battle in my mind, in my soul. I had let the negative thoughts take over. Satan was winning this spiritual battle and I might as well have handed it to him. I was barely fighting.
Something inside me told me I couldn't fight this battle anymore. I had no faith left. So out of desperation I Facebook messaged some ladies who I knew I could be honest with and told them what was going on. I asked them to pray for me and to stand in the gap for me because I couldn't fight anymore. The next day they gathered at my house and prayed the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. And once again, I felt God again. He was there.And again I had peace.
After those beautiful ladies prayed for me, I had no more pain. And to this day, four weeks later, I still don't. That is the power of prayer. The doctor told me he expected to see me in the ER over the course of the few weeks my cysts would be dissolving, but God had other plans. It has been a true miracle.
A few days after I got prayed for, I had a dream I was telling someone about Jesus. This piece of paper I was holding had the answers to this person questions, but every time I looked down I saw in bold print, Psalm 38. That was all I saw. Every time I looked down.
When I woke up I knew it was a word God gave specifically to me for what I was going through. I thought it was going to be about healing and how I was going to be miraculously healed. I was so excited my son decided to uncharacteristically sleep in late so I could study this chapter. I ran and grabbed my bible and started reading.
My excitement soon turned into discontent. If you've ever read Psalm 38, it is not a happy Psalm. In fact, when it's relating to your life, it's the worst thing you'd ever want to read. I did the research and asked my husband to explain the back story. This Psalm is about what David is going through after he commits adultery.
He starts out asking God to not rebuke him in His anger. David says there is no health in his body because of God's wrath on numerous occasions in this chapter. He says the he is like the deaf who cannot hear. All of the things he says in this chapter were things I felt. It was as if I could have written that chapter. When I told my husband that I believed God gave me this chapter, he asked me, "do you feel like David?" and I said yes.
At first, I was a little confused. I haven't committed adultery, so why would I be feeling like David? God revealed sin is sin and no sin is different. Unlike David, my sin wasn't adultery, it was the negative thoughts. It was my lack of faith. I needed to repent and confess that God was the only One who could save me. You better believe I did so immediately. I had to get right with God before I spent another minute on this earth.
I cried and begged God to forgive me and apologized over and over for messing up. I knew better than to lack faith and I felt so guilty. God revealed my sin and it was nasty. Part of me had trouble believing God could forgive the dirtiness and nastiness of my sins, but He reminded me that I felt like David and David was a man after God's own heart. He was perfectly capable of forgiving me.
I was so hesitant to write this because no one likes admitting they've sinned and that they messed up. But when I shared this story with my mom, she told me to be happy that God was still moving in my life. So I've taken that approach.
And I use it as a warning for myself and others. Sin is a poison. God revealed that to me. It will physically make you sick. I thought since I have been a Christian all my life, I thought I was immune to things like that, but how quickly I got sucked into those negative thoughts and lack of faith. It happened quickly before I could stop it. And once that negativity got in, it took over. It spread like cancer. FAST.
Just because you know Jesus doesn't mean you are immune to sin. Yes, we know better and we know how Satan comes in, but sometimes in a weakened state, our defenses go down and it doesn't take long before Satan can wreck havoc on our lives.
Don't be like me. Yes, we are powerful in Jesus but not perfect. And we all sin. Make sure you repent.
Psalm 38 (NIV)
Those of you reading this who know me, know what I've endured the past couple of months. Those of you reading this who don't know me, don't know what I've endured, so I will share a little bit of what has been going on in my life.
Back in January, I wrote a blog post about how God put a particular desire in my heart. I didn't reveal what the desire was, but I knew it was a desire God put in my heart. The desire was to have another baby.
My husband had wanted another baby for a few months at that point, but I was very hesitant. I was too exhausted and one child was enough for me. In December, I started to get jealous of other pregnant women. It was weird for me to be jealous, after all, I wasn't ready for another baby. It wasn't long after that my emotions went from jealousy to a desperate desire to be pregnant again.
Even though I wanted another baby, I couldn't understand why I had such a desire for one. I prayed and asked God why all of sudden I was so desperate (it was just so out of character for me). He told me numerous times that He was the One that put the desire in my heart. Why? I don't know, but He did and now I wanted a baby badly.
As soon as I told my husband I wanted to start trying he was on board, after all, he had already been waiting for me to be ready. We decided in December that we'd start trying when the time was right. One try later, I was pregnant again.
There is no long drawn out story here. By January 14th, I had a positive pregnancy test. Just like my first pregnancy, I got pregnant right away. I have to admit I was kind of surprised. I didn't expect it to happen as fast as it did the first time, but I guess God doesn't mess around.
I was really happy about this pregnancy. I really wanted to enjoy this one. With my son, I was so scared because everything was new that I couldn't enjoy it. I was petrified of everything. With the second pregnancy, I had already done this before, I was set on enjoying it.
Since we were 'trying' for a baby, I knew when to take a pregnancy test, so I found out very early. I was only four weeks pregnant when I took the test. For the first week, I felt really good. I had a bottomless pit of hunger, but I like eating so it didn't bother me. By the middle of the fifth week, everything started going downhill.
I had what I thought was the flu. I felt horrible and constantly wanted to 'toss my cookies' morning, noon, and night. My mom was sick too and expressed similar symptoms so I thought we had the same thing. After two weeks of being in bed and fighting constant nausea, I realized it wasn't the flu. My mom had gotten better, but I was still sick. At that point I assumed it was morning sickness. I wasn't throwing up, I just felt like I was going to ALL. DAY. LONG. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't leave the house for three weeks in fear of exposing what little contents were in my stomach in the middle of the grocery store floor.
Since I was so sick, I spent hours on the couch watching my son play by himself on the floor. Any movement made me want to puke. So playing with him wasn't an option. I felt so guilty. My almost two year old's life was passing me by and I was too sick to enjoy it. I also wasn't able to work out, something that I loved doing. I was too sick to do anything.
Sitting on the couch day after day doing nothing can really get to a person. It didn't take long before I started becoming depressed. I had nothing to lift my spirits. I was sad I couldn't work out. I was sad I couldn't play with my son. I was frustrated I had no energy to do anything. I was miserable.
I prayed a lot sitting on the couch, asking God to help me. I prayed the nights I was so sick and couldn't sleep. I prayed constantly asking God to heal me. I felt I had the faith, but nothing was happening. In fact, I was getting worse. I was getting more frustrated. I prayed a lot and normally I could hear God's voice. This time, I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't understand. It was like God left me. I remember even telling my husband, "I can't hear God anymore. He's not talking to me. I don't understand why He's not talking to me. I need Him now more than ever."
Soon after this realization, things got really bad. My nausea turned to pain. Excruciating pain. Pain I have never felt before in my life. The days were bad. All I could do was sit on the couch. Any movement sent sharp pains throughout my stomach. I walked to the bathroom hunched over. I had trouble breathing. I couldn't eat. The nights were worse. I'd wake up in agony, crying, praying asking God to do whatever He needed to do to make me feel better, even if it meant He had to kill me. There were nights I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to die. I prepared myself to die. I was ready to go if it meant I'd get relief. The pain was just too much to bare.
I knew the pain was being caused by the pregnancy. I was a relatively healthy person before I got pregnant. I ate healthy (most of the time) and I ran every day. There was no doubting the trouble started when I got pregnant. So one night, when the pain was so bad, I told God that I wouldn't be mad if He wanted to take the baby because I knew I'd get relief. I hate to admit it, but it was true. That was how much pain I was in. It was unbearable.
I was afraid to fall asleep at night because I didn't know what I was going to wake up to. I hated the night. It was dreadful. Not only was I afraid of what I would wake up to, but every night was a spiritual battle in my mind. Lying awake in pain got to me and I started thinking about how horrible everything was. I really began to believe I wouldn't make it through this. I really believed the baby was going to die and I'd miscarry because there was no way a baby could survive in an environment that was so weak. At nights I planned how I'd tell everyone the bad news. I had figured out how I'd mourn and then how I'd get through it. If by chance the baby did survive, I prepared myself to endure pain and agony for the next nine months. I thought about death a lot, too. It always seemed like a good option in comparison to the pain.
I knew all my thoughts weren't Godly thoughts and I tried to rebuke them, but I had let myself get so deep into the negativity that it consumed me. Day and night it consumed my mind. Nothing was positive. Nothing positive was going to come out of this. I was going to die. The baby was going to die. I believed that. And I believed that if God could have truly healed me He would have done it already and since He didn't, He didn't have the power to heal me. He wasn't capable. It wasn't happening. So I accepted being sick and drowned further in the negative thoughts.
Even though the negative thoughts consumed me, I still tried praying because something inside me still knew better than to give up. But I continued to feel like God was silent, like He wasn't there. I still tried fighting though, giving it all I had, which wasn't much. This continued for several weeks.
At about 10 weeks pregnant, I woke up to the worst pain I had ever felt. To put it in words it was like someone was punching me in the stomach over and over, while stabbing me in the stomach over and over, while lighting my insides on fire. The pain was physically making me ill and I tried walking to the car to go to the hospital, but I couldn't even walk. I grabbed my cell ready to dial 911, but before I did, I prayed:
"God, help me. I'm calling 911, if you don't heal me now!"
About five minutes later, the pain subsided enough to the point where I could lie down. I was still feeling pain, but it wasn't like it was. Two hours later, I was able to fall asleep again.
The next day I called the doctors office and got an appointment right away. When I saw the doc, everywhere she pushed on my stomach hurt. She sent me for an ultrasound the next day (I had to fast 10 hours). I had multiple ultrasounds done at the ultrasound place, all of which took about an hour and a half. The technician and the doctor there were concerned and told me I needed to see my doctor right away so they could figure out what to do with me.
I went straight from the ultrasound place to my doctors where they told me the results of my ultrasounds. I had 15-20 cysts on my ovaries, one of which was 10 cm. I also had fluid pockets in my upper abdomen pushing on vital organs. I had to go to the hospital right away and see the uterine specialist. Before I left, I asked the doctor what happens to someone who has a 10 cm cyst on their ovary. She told me I would probably need surgery. I asked her if they could do that while I was pregnant and she looked at me and said, "Um, well, no one is going to make you choose the cyst over the baby. Just talk to the specialist at the hospital."
I left the doctors office sure I would lose the baby. I had already had that that thought in my mind and this just confirmed it. The funny thing about that day though was that of the weeks that I had been experiencing all the pain and sickness, that day was the first day I felt God in a long time. He was there that day, walking with me. I could finally feel Him again. I had an overwhelming peace about everything.
I got to the hospital that afternoon expecting the worse, but having an overwhelming peace everything would be fine. We saw the uterine specialist right away and he asked me if I had ever taken fertility drugs. "Why does EVERYONE keep asking me that?" I asked. "Because your insides look like someone who has taken fertility drugs."
My ovaries were way over stimulated for some spontaneous, random reason which is common among women who take fertility drugs, but not women who conceive naturally. The doctor told me I was an interesting case and that it wasn't good to be interesting. I told him I didn't want to be a science experiment and he laughed and said, "Well, yeah, but you kinda are."
The doctor explained that what was happening to me was rare, but he's seen it before. The fluid filled pockets in my ribs were a defense mechanism my body produced to try and combat the cysts, but all they were doing was causing me more pain. He was confident though that the pregnancy hormones had a part in all of it and that once they dropped after 13 weeks, the cysts would dissolve on their own.
"Well, what do I do until then?" was my question. I was only 10 and a half weeks at the time. "Nothing. You wait this out," the doctor responded. "Haha. Nothing?" I said. "Well, you can keep taking Tylenol and whatever you think is helping you and once it gets to be slightly unbearable, just head to the ER and they'll give you some narcotics for the pain." That was the doctors awesome plan. I responded "I don't think you understand. I CANNOT go through what I've been through again. I thought I was going to die. I can't go through that again. And I don't want to go to the ER! What are my other options?" He replied gently, "well, some women terminate their pregnancies because the pain gets so bad...." And he waited for me to respond. "Well, that's not going to happen."
That wasn't me talking when that came out of my mouth. My mind didn't believe what I said, but something inside me did. Something inside me said, 'this baby isn't going anywhere unless God says so.'
My husband and I left the hospital optimistic. These cysts would dissolve in a few weeks and we would do whatever it took to keep me as comfortable as possible in the process. That night I asked people to pray and I felt okay. The next day I felt pain again. That night, I was in agony. The next day I was at my wits end. I walked down the stairs and got out of breath. I burst into tears. Why was God allowing this and why has He still NOT healed me?! How much more can I endure?! He knows I can't go through what I've been through again. Why is this happening?!
I knew deep down something was wrong and not just physically. This was a physical battle, yes, but it was more of a spiritual battle and I was losing. I had a vision of the spiritual battle I was fighting. Satan was throwing massive amounts of spears at me (think the movie 300) and I was hiding behind a rock just trying to stay alive. This was a spiritual battle in my mind, in my soul. I had let the negative thoughts take over. Satan was winning this spiritual battle and I might as well have handed it to him. I was barely fighting.
Something inside me told me I couldn't fight this battle anymore. I had no faith left. So out of desperation I Facebook messaged some ladies who I knew I could be honest with and told them what was going on. I asked them to pray for me and to stand in the gap for me because I couldn't fight anymore. The next day they gathered at my house and prayed the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. And once again, I felt God again. He was there.And again I had peace.
After those beautiful ladies prayed for me, I had no more pain. And to this day, four weeks later, I still don't. That is the power of prayer. The doctor told me he expected to see me in the ER over the course of the few weeks my cysts would be dissolving, but God had other plans. It has been a true miracle.
A few days after I got prayed for, I had a dream I was telling someone about Jesus. This piece of paper I was holding had the answers to this person questions, but every time I looked down I saw in bold print, Psalm 38. That was all I saw. Every time I looked down.
When I woke up I knew it was a word God gave specifically to me for what I was going through. I thought it was going to be about healing and how I was going to be miraculously healed. I was so excited my son decided to uncharacteristically sleep in late so I could study this chapter. I ran and grabbed my bible and started reading.
My excitement soon turned into discontent. If you've ever read Psalm 38, it is not a happy Psalm. In fact, when it's relating to your life, it's the worst thing you'd ever want to read. I did the research and asked my husband to explain the back story. This Psalm is about what David is going through after he commits adultery.
He starts out asking God to not rebuke him in His anger. David says there is no health in his body because of God's wrath on numerous occasions in this chapter. He says the he is like the deaf who cannot hear. All of the things he says in this chapter were things I felt. It was as if I could have written that chapter. When I told my husband that I believed God gave me this chapter, he asked me, "do you feel like David?" and I said yes.
At first, I was a little confused. I haven't committed adultery, so why would I be feeling like David? God revealed sin is sin and no sin is different. Unlike David, my sin wasn't adultery, it was the negative thoughts. It was my lack of faith. I needed to repent and confess that God was the only One who could save me. You better believe I did so immediately. I had to get right with God before I spent another minute on this earth.
I cried and begged God to forgive me and apologized over and over for messing up. I knew better than to lack faith and I felt so guilty. God revealed my sin and it was nasty. Part of me had trouble believing God could forgive the dirtiness and nastiness of my sins, but He reminded me that I felt like David and David was a man after God's own heart. He was perfectly capable of forgiving me.
I was so hesitant to write this because no one likes admitting they've sinned and that they messed up. But when I shared this story with my mom, she told me to be happy that God was still moving in my life. So I've taken that approach.
And I use it as a warning for myself and others. Sin is a poison. God revealed that to me. It will physically make you sick. I thought since I have been a Christian all my life, I thought I was immune to things like that, but how quickly I got sucked into those negative thoughts and lack of faith. It happened quickly before I could stop it. And once that negativity got in, it took over. It spread like cancer. FAST.
Just because you know Jesus doesn't mean you are immune to sin. Yes, we know better and we know how Satan comes in, but sometimes in a weakened state, our defenses go down and it doesn't take long before Satan can wreck havoc on our lives.
Don't be like me. Yes, we are powerful in Jesus but not perfect. And we all sin. Make sure you repent.
Psalm 38 (NIV)
A psalm of David. A petition.
1 Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
5 My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
7 My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
because of my sinful folly.
6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
7 My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
9 All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
12 Those who want to kill me set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they scheme and lie.
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
12 Those who want to kill me set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they scheme and lie.
13 I am like the deaf, who cannot hear,
like the mute, who cannot speak;
14 I have become like one who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 Lord, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.”
like the mute, who cannot speak;
14 I have become like one who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 Lord, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.”
17 For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.
18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many have become my enemies without cause[b];
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil
lodge accusations against me,
though I seek only to do what is good.
and my pain is ever with me.
18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many have become my enemies without cause[b];
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil
lodge accusations against me,
though I seek only to do what is good.
21 Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.
do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Habakkuk 3:17
This is my all time favorite verse because it comes from one of my all time favorite songs. My mom had these Praise Hosanna tapes when I was growing up (if you grew up in church, you probably know what I'm talking about) and there was a song on there based off this verse.
I don't know what it was about that song that I liked so much. I just connected with it for some reason. I just loved it. I knew that if I listened to that song and prayed, I'd hear God's voice. Maybe I'm weird, I don't know. I just loved that song.
And I still love that song and I still love that verse. The song is saved on my Kindle Fire because I listen to it when I run. It's comparable to the Rocky IV soundtrack. LOL It gets me pumped up I guess you could say. It gives me the strength to persevere. I know it sounds silly, but it's true for me.
And although I never knew how hard it could be to praise God in such difficult times until recently (and trust me, at times, its the last thing Ive wanted to do), this song connects with my spirit and reminds me what to do in desperate times. It gets me pumped up to persevere.
**Side note: In the midst of this storm, I've realized how simple my faith is. I thought I was stronger in Christ than I actually was, but I was wrong. I've got some work to do.
Thank you God for not giving up on me, reminding me You still love me no matter what, and that You will never leave me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNGSDQTwkUI
I don't know what it was about that song that I liked so much. I just connected with it for some reason. I just loved it. I knew that if I listened to that song and prayed, I'd hear God's voice. Maybe I'm weird, I don't know. I just loved that song.
And I still love that song and I still love that verse. The song is saved on my Kindle Fire because I listen to it when I run. It's comparable to the Rocky IV soundtrack. LOL It gets me pumped up I guess you could say. It gives me the strength to persevere. I know it sounds silly, but it's true for me.
And although I never knew how hard it could be to praise God in such difficult times until recently (and trust me, at times, its the last thing Ive wanted to do), this song connects with my spirit and reminds me what to do in desperate times. It gets me pumped up to persevere.
**Side note: In the midst of this storm, I've realized how simple my faith is. I thought I was stronger in Christ than I actually was, but I was wrong. I've got some work to do.
Thank you God for not giving up on me, reminding me You still love me no matter what, and that You will never leave me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNGSDQTwkUI
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