Last night I woke up around 3:30. I'm not exactly sure what woke me. It could have been John because he was coughing so much. Or maybe it was Caleb because he was coughing, too. A nasty virus has been floating from one person to another in our family this past week. Either way, I woke up at 3:30AM and couldn't fall back asleep. I didn't immediately grab my phone in hopes that I could fall back asleep, but after a about a half an hour, I grabbed my phone and started scrolling. I figured I'd end up tired, but that didn't happen. When things like that happen (like not getting tired at 4AM after scrolling for a bit) I assume it's because God wants me to spend time with Him. So I closed the app I was looking at and started praying.
I thought I'd fall asleep praying, but no. I started thinking about things and as I was praying I realized there was bitterness in my heart. So.Much.Bitterness. I knew it was there if I'm honest. I knew it had been brewing for a very long time. I prayed about it and sometimes it would disappear only to reappear later because I would justify it. People doing things that were SO offensive. Others even validating my feelings. But it was wrong. Very wrong.
So I opened my Bible app and I searched for a plan about bitterness and clicked the first one. It took me to Hebrews 12, one of my favorite chapters and the foundation of this blog. God was already saying so much before I even started reading. I followed the plan to Hebrews 12:15 - "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled." Well now I have a verse to back up how bitterness is wrong.
I read the devotional that went with the verse and it was a horrible story about how one grandmother was bitter and it showed through everything she said and did. She was just one of those mean old ladies. It seemed to trickle down to her daughter who was the same way. And the bitterness was beginning to rear it's ugly head in the daughter's daughter. That was all I needed to hear.
Oh my gosh! I didn't realize that how I am so greatly affects my kids. I would never want my kids to be bitter because of me. I would never want to be like the grandmother. How irresponsible and silly! All over something so trivial I'm sure.
I immediately started praying, asking God to remove all the bitterness. I was immediately humbled by God's presence, asked for forgiveness, and prayed that I hadn't messed up my kids too bad. Overwhelmed by His presence and so humbled by His mercy and grace, I thought of all the things He had given me despite all my imperfections, including my bitterness. I was so humbled by the fact that I had been bitter for so long, new it was wrong, and yet He still embraced me like I was His most prized possession. It's hard to wrap my mind around it.
In the midst of prayer I realized that my bitterness was stemming from my own insecurities. The people who I was bitter toward had no intentions of hurting me. I was taking it all personally and it wasn't personal. At all.
It seems so simple, but it was quite the revelation. I can't tell you the peace and freedom I have walked in today after having this time with the Lord this morning. I never did fall back asleep, but I am not even tired. There feels like a weight has been lifted and I can't help smiling.
The Lord is good, He really is. To meet me, every time, where I am, in all my mess, and embrace me like I'm the most special thing in the world.
I have to say, I couldn't help but thank Him repeatedly for my children this morning. I don't deserve anything and yet He has given me three angels. Three beautiful treasures. And for what? What did I do to deserve them? I've never lived a perfect day in my life. My babies are just an example of God's goodness, mercy, and grace. To be so imperfect, failing all the time, and He still rewards me. <3 p="">
