It's rare these days that I get a moment of silence to myself. I have come to the realization that babies are loud creatures and demand more attention then one person can give. Granted, I have an amazing husband who lets me sleep in when he's home and allows me to work out every day. I do get those moments to myself, but it's rare that I get a moment to just sit and let my mind wonder. When I do get those moments, its usually in the morning, while I'm still half asleep, TRYING to get a few more minutes in before I face the day. Those few minutes are usually interrupted by a screaming a baby who is waiting for me to take care of his every need.
However, this past week has been different. Luckily for me, my husband has been on vacation from work and has gotten up with the baby pretty much every morning so I can sleep in. This has allowed me several moments of silence (as I like to call them) and many periods of reflection (reflection is one of those teacher buzz words that unfortunately has become part of my regular vocabulary). During these moments, I have prayed, asked God many questions, read the Bible, and thought. I thought about what I read and why God does the things He does. I thought about my life and how God was working in it. Most importantly, I reflected, and asked God to reveal things to me.
Now understand, that when you ask God to reveal things to you, you may not like what He reveals. I came to this conclusion recently when He revealed to me the latest revelation about myself. What was it? Read on.
One morning, during one of those precious moments of silence I got thinking about certain people God placed in my life. I began thinking about the way those certain people treated me and how they hurt me (both unintentionally and intentionally). I realized that I was very upset about how these people treated me and I became very bitter. At that moment, I realized I held stupid grudges and took things way more personally than I should have. In the end, even though I felt my bitterness and anger towards these people were justified, I hated the person I had become due to an overwhelming bitterness and regretted the way I treated those people in return.
Yes, God revealed to me, that I was bitter. Me?! Bitter? Yes. It was hard to swallow, honestly. No one likes the truth because the truth hurts, but me being bitter was the truth. Now knowing I was a bitter person, I looked back at some previous relationships and examined them. After thorough examination, I realized that I had ruined relationships because of stupid bitterness. I held grudges and refused to talk to people. And for what? For no good reason. Because they said or did something I can't even remember.
I have to say, as I am typing this, that it is not easy putting this out there for all to see. I would never want anyone to judge me because of this, but instead pray for me and my bitterness. We all struggle with something and this is my something. The first step is realization. I have realized my problem and I can only move forward. No one wants to be a bitter person. Its not worth it. It's not worth ruining relationships over. Its stupid. Life is too short to hold grudges and at the end of the day, I can't even remember why I held those grudges.
The big thing for me is not having the bitterness, but how it made me feel. It made me a miserable person. Holding grudges turns you into a nasty person. It makes you act out in anger for no reason. It causes you to be mean and take things personally. That's no good. I want to be a happy person all the time.
My plan now is to pray that God helps me. I can honestly say I am already on the road to recovery (LOL). I am giving up holding grudges and taking things personally. Life's too short to be angry, bitter, mad, or whatever. I'm getting over it all with the help of Jesus. :)
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