March 30, 2011

As previously stated, this day last year was so much more exciting. It was a Wednesday morning, a day after my due date, and when I woke up STILL pregnant, I lost my mind. I secretly hoped little man would make his appearance in the middle of the night even though I was very doubtful. My hope was pointless at that point. He just wasn't coming. I swore I'd be pregnant forever.

As I rolled onto my back in bed, I watched as Matt Lauer gave the morning's stories. I stared blankly at the tv and thought about how I'd get this baby out. I was determined that I'd do whatever it took, even drink castor oil. I was so desperate.

I honestly did not enjoy being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I was so appreciative and grateful that I was able to get pregnant because I know there are a lot of women who can't, but it was hard for me. I did enjoy it in the beginning. All the excitement of telling everyone and imagining a little human inside of me was so fun. As painful as it was to watch the scale go up, it was still neat to see my stomach distend. Even when I was put on moderate bed rest at 7 weeks and couldn't do more than walk from room to room in my house, I still enjoyed it. I enjoyed it all the way up to 5 months. that's when I started to 'not enjoy' it.

As soon as I hit five months, it just went downhill. My back hurt terribly. I couldn't sit at all. I had to either lay or stand. Sitting was very painful and uncomfortable. Then, there was this little foot stuck in my ribs at all times. I tried pushing it out (I mean I literally pushed on my belly to move little man), but it just managed to float right back up into my rib cage (imagine someone taking their elbow and digging it into your rib cage constantly). Everything just felt cramped in there. I'm not a big person to begin with and I think it was to my disadvantage at that point. It just felt like all my organs were mushed together. Before my next pregnancy, I'm asking God for a longer torso.

To be completely honest, I think at about 8 or 9 months, it actually got better. I think as my belly stretched out, so did Caleb. He was able to move outward a bit and I think it took the pressure off my spine. Although, he continued to keep his foot in the rib. I started going to the chiropractor which helped, too. You would think month 8 and 9 would be the worst because youre the biggest, but it actually wasn't too bad. I was never too big (although it definitely felt like it at times). I digress..

So this day last year, at 8AM, as I rolled onto my back and watched Matt Lauer, I felt something different. I had this weird feeling like my butt was falling off. I know it sounds funny, but that's the only way I can describe it. It just literally felt like my butt was falling. LOL. I had no idea what it was, but just assumed it had to do with me rolling over and the weight of the baby on my lower back.

As I laid there watching the Today Show, several minutes later, my butt started to feel like it was falling off again. I couldn't make any sense of it. Hoping and praying these weird feelings were contractions, I texted my sister in law and asked her if contractions felt like your butt's falling off. She told me yes and told me to time them. So I did. I had about 5 of these feelings at 8 minutes apart and then they stopped. I g-chatted John and told him. He asked me if he should come home, and since I was in total denial that this could be actual labor because I swore I'd be pregnant forever, I told him to stay at work.

Since those feelings stopped, I figured some breakfast would be good. It was around 9 AM when I got out of bed and headed into the kitchen. If in fact those feelings were an indication of real labor, I didn't want to have a ton of food in my belly, so I had some toast. I ate my toast in bed and decided some extra sleep would be good for me. So, at around 930AM, I fell back asleep.

I was having a good sleep until 11 AM. I woke up to that feeling again. You know the one I'm talking about, where it felt like my butt was falling off (hehehe). I thought to myself, 'what in the world is this? It's so weird!' I didn't start timing anything because I was still in denial, but I got up out of bed and decided to start my day.

I didn't do much this day last year. I sat on the couch, read news websites and random blogs, watched tv, did a devotional, and blogged. It was a pretty easy going day.

At around 2PM, I had to use the bathroom. So I got up, went to the bathroom, did my business and walked back into our family. However, as I was walking back to the couch, I got one of those weird feelings again, but this time, it was a little more intense. I felt it coming on, but didn't think anything of it. However, by the time I reached to TV console, I had to stop and breath through it. I remember holding onto the console thinking, 'Im definitely dying.' I will tell you though, it wasn't painful, it was just intense and it took my breath away. It was strong though. When the pain stopped, I stood up and said, 'that was werid,' and continued on my way back to the couch.

I had a chiropractic appointment that day at 330. After that last whopper of what I would later find out to be a contraction, I thought twice about going. I didn't want to be on the chiropractor table and get hit with one of those intense feelings. I didn't think I could just lay there without saying anything, acting like nothing was wrong, so I decided to cancel my appointment just in case.

I called the receptionist, who I knew quite well, and told her I might be in labor, although I wasn't sure, but I was cancelling my appointment. God definitely used her this day last year because as soon as I said 'labor' she told me to get outside and walk. Up until that point, doing anything but sitting on the couch wasn't appealing, but I decided she was right and that walking might do me some good. Plus, it would help pass the time.

So, at 230 PM, I got on the treadmill and started walking. I will be honest, at first, I thought about running. Once I was off moderate bed rest at 13 weeks, I ran pretty much every day. I ran the day prior, I could totally run still. I will tell you though, the Holy Spirit in me spoke up that day, and it was loud and clear. 'I don't think running is a good idea. Conserve your energy.' Hmm, makes sense. POWER WALK

I walked for an hour only having to stop once for one of those whoppers of a contraction. Again, not painful, just intense, and it took my breath away, so I had to stop, bend over, and try and concentrate on breathing. After an hour, I g-chatted the hubs and told him I was walking. I told him it seemed like those weird feelings were closer together. He said to keep walking and that he'd be home soon, so I did just that.

Back on the treadmill for another hour. This time, I timed those feelings and they were four to five minutes apart lasting anywhere from 130-2 minutes. Again, I only stopped once for one intense feeling, but the rest were barely noticeable. I walked until 430.

At 430, I got off the treads and decided a shower would be good. I hopped in the shower and by 5 I was out, just in time to see the hubs come threw the door. He asked me how I was feeling and suggested we should go to the hospital. I told him I didn't think I was really in labor because none of those feelings were really painful. I was convinced it was false labor or something. He said we should time them for the next hour and see what happens. So from 5-6, we timed them all while I was straightening my hair and perfecting my eye liner. I yelled (not because I was in pain, but so the hubs could hear me) from the bathroom every time I had a feeling and my husband, who was in the other room fixing his guitar, timed them on his watch. "I'm having one," I'd yell. He yelled back, "Ok." "It stopped," I'd yell after a few minutes. "That one lasted 2 minutes," he'd reply.

After an hour, we concluded these 'feelings' were coming every 4-5 minutes at about 2 minutes apart. The hubs suggested I call the doctor. I was still in denial, but I did it anyway. The doc called me back from the hospital and nonchalantly told me to come in to be checked out. I have to tell you, this reassured me. I could care less about labor and contractions, I was more concerned about getting sent home. I totally DID NOT want to be that girl that got sent home for false labor. Plus, if I was heading to the hospital, I was not turning back, this baby was coming out. I was done being pregnant.

The hubs and I packed up a few last things and headed to the hospital in Galloway. On the way I watched the clock like a hawk and timed my contractions. I could barely feel them! I was getting anxious about being sent home, so I did the dumbest thing anyone could ever do. I prayed for stronger, longer, harder, contractions. Now, bear with me for a second. Ever hear of the saying, "be careful what you wish/pray for?" That is very true. The contraction following my little prayer to Jesus was a WHOPPER. Not only did it feel like my butt was going to fall off, it felt like my head was going to fall off. I will say, that was the first time it actually hurt. I remember we were on the Parkway with no shoulder and all I wanted to do was jump out of the car and walk through that contraction. It was intense. I didn't yell or scream or anything crazy, for the record. In fact, I got quiet and didn't talk.

After that intense contraction, the rest were barely noticeable again. I consider that whopper of a contraction to be God's way of saying, "Yes, Gina, it IS real labor." I think I was convinced at that point. A few minutes later, we were at the hospital.

As I walked in totally normally (nothing like you see in the movies), I was worried I'd get sent home because if looks were everything, NO ONE would believe I was in labor. You couldn't tell. I could barely tell. It didn't hurt! So I decided to hone in on my acting skills and decided to play it up like I was in pain. I was NOT going home.

We walked into the reception area and asked for a pass up to labor and delivery. The receptionist smiled and sent us to the elevator. Ugh, the elevator, has to be a laboring woman's worst nightmare. I was semi-petrified we'd get stuck and I'd have a crazy story to tell everyone about how I had a baby in an elevator. You can imagine my relief when the doors opened on the third floor. The worry left me and my acting skills kicked in.

I stood in the hallway bent over like I was dying while we waited for someone to help us. I think at one point I fell to the floor. I had to make it seem like this was real. A nurse came and took us to triage, all while I walked bent over stopping and starting like I was dying. LOL

We got to triage and my doc came in right away. The moment of truth was upon us, I was either staying or going. The doctor checked me and I was 5cm! I'll never forget her words, "5cm. She's a keeper! You're having this baby tonight!" Ugh Praise God! "I'm not going to be pregnant anymore," I thought. As the doc walked out, I asked for an epidural, although I almost didn't ask. The contractions were never painful, except for one or two real intense ones. I almost thought I could do it naturally, but then I got real and thought, nah, give me some meds, I'm no superhero.

As soon as the doc left the room and as the nurse asked me a million questions to fill out the necessary paper work, John and I looked at each other with the biggest smiles on our faces. He mouthed 'I love you," and I mouthed it back. It was a special moment between the two of us.

Once the doc told me I was staying, my acting stopped, and some serious adrenaline kicked in. It was the same adrenaline that told me I could do this naturally. Any contractions I could feel before, I couldn't feel at all. Since I was hooked up to a machine, I asked her if I was in fact contracting. She said told me I was and I told her I couldn't feel anything. "Well, thats good," she said and laughed.

As she filled out the paper work, another nurse came in and started sticking IVs in all over the place. I will tell you, the worst part of labor is the IV they stick in your hand. THAT HURT. It was the only time I winced in pain during labor. Ugh, painful.

About 15 minutes later, I was in the delivery room just waiting. I played on the computer, talked to family, and soon the epidural man was there to give me some AMAZING drugs. I still wasn't in pain, but I decided getting the epidural was still a good idea. The epidural didn't hurt at all. I could barely feel it. I told the epidural man I had dental work that was more painful and he laughed. Soon, my legs were 'falling asleep.'

And as they say, the rest is history! This day last year, I sat, numb from the waist down, waiting for my little man to make his debut. If I thought this day last year was exciting, the next day was even better :)

March 29, 2011

I can't help but sit here and think about this time last year. This day last year was a Tuesday and it was my 'due date.' Four weeks prior to this, I was already dilated 1.5 cm and 50% effaced, and the doctor told me I most likely would deliver early and I DEFINITELY wouldn't be late. So, I really believed the ETA would be the exact day my son would be born. It's a good thing I held my breath all day because he didn't come.

We actually had bible study that night at our house, even though I was totally convinced I would start contracting sometime during the day and we'd have to cancel. The contractions never came even though I tried all 'the tricks' to jump start labor. I actually went for a two mile run, squatted like a pro, and did 2983294 jumping jacks every time I thought about it. Even after I ran, I kept walking. You would think the baby would have slid right on out after that, but not a single contraction. I was discouraged and a little perturbed. I really thought I'd be pregnant forever.

My last doctors appointment was actually the day prior and the doctor checked my progress. I was 2 cm and 75% effaced. She couldn't believe I still hadn't had the baby. I told her I needed to 'see a light at the end of the tunnel' and asked her to schedule an induction. We scheduled one for Monday, April 4, 2011 (the first due date they gave me at 12 weeks). I was a little angry about having to schedule an induction because I wanted my son to come on his own, but I just couldn't bare being pregnant anymore. I was COMPLETELY over it.

I was mad. My son was supposed to be a March baby and here I was thinking he'd end up being an April baby. This messed up everything. He couldn't be an April baby because April's birthstone is a diamond and boys don't wear diamonds! An aquamarine gemstone was so much more fitting. Didn't my son know this?!

I left the doctors office very disappointed, but held on, hoping that my due date was special and accurate. But like I said, Tuesday, March 29, 2011, came and went without a single contraction. "Those stupid doctors," I thought that night, "they dont know anything! They told me I'd probably have this baby four weeks ago!"

I so desperately wanted my pregnancy to be over and I REALLY believed I was going to deliver early. I actually slept on extra blankets and towels just in case my water broke in the middle of the night (I did this for a week leading up to my due date and the days after). I believed running every day, eating weird things that people swore jump started labor, and pushing on my belly (gently of course) to get him to move down and out would make him come sooner. Of course, nothing worked.

If there's anything I learned from this day last year it's that God has a time for everything and no matter how hard we try, there are some things we just can't control. And we can sit and argue with God day and night, but God will work in His own time no matter how much we kick and scream. And there's no sense in worrying about things you can't control either. If I could go back and tell myself one thing this time last year, I would say, "Hey self, chill out, worrying and getting all anxious isn't going to make this baby come faster. God's in control, so sit back and get some sleep because you're not going to get any for the next month."

This day last year was the last day I was a normal (total overstatement) pregnant woman. Little did I know, the next day would be so much more exciting...

God is goooooood!

My sons first birthday is approaching quickly. For the entire month of March, I've been recalling back to this exact time last year. This time last year, I was FINALLY on maternity leave, just waiting for my precious angel to arrive. I was eager and excited to not be pregnant anymore and to get my body back. I was excited to have a baby to place in the perfectly decorated nursery I had so meticulously put together. What an exciting time it was!

However, today as I recalled the day my son was born, I was reminded of something. I was reminded of how God played such an active part in my labor. I remember like it was yesterday the second to last push before my son was born. I remember vividly staring up at the bright spotlight shining on me. I was physically and emotionally drained. It was 2:39 AM and labor was exhausting. I was on Pitocin and oxygen and it was wearing me out. My body was shaking from the trauma it was going through. I was so tired that I couldn't hold my breath for the 10 seconds the doctor counted for each push. I got to 5 and exhaled everything that was in me. I remember thinking, 'how do people hold their breath for 10 seconds?' by 3, I wanted to pass out! Needless to say I was physically spent.

So right before the second to last push, I stared into that bright light, and lost it. I broke down. It was the second time I cried during labor (the first time was then they told me I might need a C-section). I said, "I can't," and cried some more. I reached for my mom and asked her to help me. She looked at me with tears in her eyes wishing she could take the pain. The look on her face told me she couldn't help me, even though she so desperately wanted to. At the point, I knew no one could help me, I couldn't help myself because I was too drained..except for Jesus. It was a time in my life when I had no other option but to depend on Him. I knew I had nothing left physically. My body was done. That was evident by the constant shaking. That was my body's way of telling me, you have nothing left. So, I stared into that bright light, and cried to Jesus. I told Him I couldn't do it anymore and I needed help. I told Him He would have to do this for me because I had nothing left and that I needed some super natural strength.

All of a sudden, my mind said, you can do this..you are strong, GO! I wiped the tears away and pushed (for 5 seconds, not 10) and.....Caleb didn't come out. I looked back at that bright spotlight and yelled to Jesus in my mind, 'Jesus, did You hear me?! I can't do this!! I need Your help!' 5 seconds later, and one more push, Caleb John-Gabriel Wilson was born.

What I didn't find out until later was that after I prayed, Caleb's head came out and on last push the rest of his body was born.

As I look back on that day, I think about that moment. Physically and emotionally I was completely dry. I had nothing left to give. I HAD to depend on God because I couldn't do it on my own. What a glorious place to be in! People in 3rd world countries are in that similar position every day. They have to depend on God for food and shelter daily. Never in all my life did I have to depend on God like that. Yes, it is a blessing, but at the same time, I bet you my life would look a lot different if I had to depend on him for every little thing.

My goal is to be completely dependent on God like I was in labor. No more trying to do it on my own.

I have to say, the coolest thing about all of it is that part of me was a little worried Jesus wouldn't help me. Like, maybe He wanted me to do it on my own. But when you are solely dependent on Him, He doesn't disappoint. He was there in that delivery room. And the best part was, He didn't show up right at the end when I cried out to Him, He was there the whole time...like when they told me I might need a C-section and everyone prayed, and I quickly dilated and when I was shaking so bad because my body was physically exhausted and everyone prayed and I stopped.

God is so good. He will not let you down when You need Him most. I know it.