My sons first birthday is approaching quickly. For the entire month of March, I've been recalling back to this exact time last year. This time last year, I was FINALLY on maternity leave, just waiting for my precious angel to arrive. I was eager and excited to not be pregnant anymore and to get my body back. I was excited to have a baby to place in the perfectly decorated nursery I had so meticulously put together. What an exciting time it was!
However, today as I recalled the day my son was born, I was reminded of something. I was reminded of how God played such an active part in my labor. I remember like it was yesterday the second to last push before my son was born. I remember vividly staring up at the bright spotlight shining on me. I was physically and emotionally drained. It was 2:39 AM and labor was exhausting. I was on Pitocin and oxygen and it was wearing me out. My body was shaking from the trauma it was going through. I was so tired that I couldn't hold my breath for the 10 seconds the doctor counted for each push. I got to 5 and exhaled everything that was in me. I remember thinking, 'how do people hold their breath for 10 seconds?' by 3, I wanted to pass out! Needless to say I was physically spent.
So right before the second to last push, I stared into that bright light, and lost it. I broke down. It was the second time I cried during labor (the first time was then they told me I might need a C-section). I said, "I can't," and cried some more. I reached for my mom and asked her to help me. She looked at me with tears in her eyes wishing she could take the pain. The look on her face told me she couldn't help me, even though she so desperately wanted to. At the point, I knew no one could help me, I couldn't help myself because I was too drained..except for Jesus. It was a time in my life when I had no other option but to depend on Him. I knew I had nothing left physically. My body was done. That was evident by the constant shaking. That was my body's way of telling me, you have nothing left. So, I stared into that bright light, and cried to Jesus. I told Him I couldn't do it anymore and I needed help. I told Him He would have to do this for me because I had nothing left and that I needed some super natural strength.
All of a sudden, my mind said, you can do this..you are strong, GO! I wiped the tears away and pushed (for 5 seconds, not 10) and.....Caleb didn't come out. I looked back at that bright spotlight and yelled to Jesus in my mind, 'Jesus, did You hear me?! I can't do this!! I need Your help!' 5 seconds later, and one more push, Caleb John-Gabriel Wilson was born.
What I didn't find out until later was that after I prayed, Caleb's head came out and on last push the rest of his body was born.
As I look back on that day, I think about that moment. Physically and emotionally I was completely dry. I had nothing left to give. I HAD to depend on God because I couldn't do it on my own. What a glorious place to be in! People in 3rd world countries are in that similar position every day. They have to depend on God for food and shelter daily. Never in all my life did I have to depend on God like that. Yes, it is a blessing, but at the same time, I bet you my life would look a lot different if I had to depend on him for every little thing.
My goal is to be completely dependent on God like I was in labor. No more trying to do it on my own.
I have to say, the coolest thing about all of it is that part of me was a little worried Jesus wouldn't help me. Like, maybe He wanted me to do it on my own. But when you are solely dependent on Him, He doesn't disappoint. He was there in that delivery room. And the best part was, He didn't show up right at the end when I cried out to Him, He was there the whole time...like when they told me I might need a C-section and everyone prayed, and I quickly dilated and when I was shaking so bad because my body was physically exhausted and everyone prayed and I stopped.
God is so good. He will not let you down when You need Him most. I know it.
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