Only God could turn something bad into something good

So much has happened since I last posted. For awhile I thought my latest post would be about God's awesome power and faithfulness, and although He continues to be both of those things, my post won't be about that. At least I don't think it'll be about that.....

I'm not even sure where this post will go. What I do know is that I will share with you what God has been doing in my life and maybe along the way, I'll find or learn something I didn't see before. So here it goes...

Last week, John and I received some bad news about a job situation. We were pretty distraught, upset, and crushed. I can't speak for John, but I really thought things were going to work out in our favor. When they didn't, both John and I were confused. Why had God allowed this to happen again when we asked Him to close doors if it wasn't His will? Didn't He hear our specific prayers? If He cares about us, how could He do this to us, for the FOURTH time? (By fourth, I mean that three other similar situations happened over the past three years).

I was so angry at God that in my mind I pictured throwing things at Him, but it only made me more mad that I couldn't REALLY throw anything at Him. I said I wouldn't speak to Him for a long time. I told Him I needed some space. I just didn't want to talk to or spend time with a God that hurt me so badly. I couldn't see any good in what happened and I knew better than to ask 'why?' So, I went on with life ignoring God as best as I could.

There was a situation that happened to me three years ago (unrelated to what I referred to in the beginning of this post). I was so drained emotionally and spiritually from it that I needed a break from God. I was so confused and hurt that I wasn't sure I could ever trust God again. So, I ignored Him and pretended He wasn't there. It took me three months to acknowledge God again and even after I acknowledged Him, it took a few more months to get back to where I was spiritually. It took some time before I could really trust Him again.

Fast forward three years to last week. Again, I was in a situation where I was angry with God and felt like it would take some time before I could acknowledge Him or trust Him again. I expected it take a few months, just like last time. However, this time, it was only a few days before I was 'back to normal.'

Nothing was different this time. I was equally as hurt and upset. Maybe my being able to 'recover' more quickly means I've grown and matured in my faith..who knows. Either way, I'm glad I was able to move past  all of it more quickly this time, even though it hasn't been easy. There's still a part of me that's hurt and confused. I still don't understand why God would allow what happened to happen, but I'm able to put it behind me and move forward.

During all of this, someone said to me, "What shows and proves our faith is our ability to move forward and continue to praise God regardless. That's faith." This really stuck with me. It hit a chord inside me. For whatever reason, something in me wanted to prove to God I could handle a 'hard hit.' I wanted to prove I could be faithful even in my darkest hour. So instead of ignoring God and staying angry at Him, I mustered up the ounce of faith I felt I had left and stood firm on trusting Him again. And let me tell you, it's not easy. There are days, where I think I can't or don't want to trust Him because I am reminded of the 'bad' things He's allowed in my life, but I continue to strive even when part of me doubts God.

Like I said, it hasn't exactly been easy trusting God again. Although it took me a few days to trust Him again, it's still taking some time to get back to where I was before. So, I began begging God for a Word, something that will let me know He still cares, He still hears me, and that He still loves me. This was something I needed that would help me trust again. I prayed every time I went out that someone would come up to me with a Word. I would have accepted it from any one...I was so desperate to hear something from God. You might be wondering why I didn't directly ask Him for a Word. Well, I just wasn't ready yet. I needed it to come from somewhere else. I didn't have the energy to pray and I really needed God to prove Himself to me again. I wanted to see His power. I wanted something deep.

Fast forward a few days. I kept getting invited to this Bible Study/Prayer Meeting, but I kept saying no. It was on the night that we host our own Bible Study at our condo and I felt like I needed to be home. Aside from that, I was tired and drained from the day's events. I just couldn't make it. Then, toward the end of our bible study, something happened. Have you ever had a feeling like you were supposed to be some place? Or maybe a feeling that you were supposed to leave a place? Or maybe a feeling inside that told you to take another way home and you found out later you avoided an accident? I guess you could say that I had some feeling inside of me that told me I needed to get to that meeting.

I debated going. I had stayed for our bible study and it was getting late. I wasn't sure anyone would be at the other bible study I was invited to, but the feeling inside me told me to go. So, I went. I got there two hours after it started and everyone was still there, by no mistake, I'm sure.

I talked to several people and it was so refreshing. I felt good just being there. Then, I was prayed for. I didn't really expect anything to come out of being prayed for, to be honest. I just thought, oh, all these awesome people are just going to pray for me and that will be it. But a few seconds into the prayer, God gave someone a Word for me. I listened carefully as this man I just met gave me this Word. At first, I was a little confused on where he was going with this Word, but then it all made sense.

The reason I was confused in the beginning was because I did not expect God to say something so personal. Of all the things that God could have told me, He chose to address something that was so personal and important to me. He really did care about me. He really did love me. And He gave me a Word I needed to hear that would help me love Him and trust Him again. This changed me.

I still can't believe God chose to give me a Word based on something so personal. The people praying for me, were actually praying for something totally unrelated to what the Word was! It just reminds me how I serve such a personal God. A God who wants a personal relationship with me...little ol me. I'm nothing special, but God, the creator of the universe, wants a personal relationship with ME! It's just amazing.

So as awesome as this post would have been if things would have worked out the way I had hoped, I'm kinda glad they didn't. I think this post is even more awesome since things didn't work out like planned. I learned something through it all and God proved Himself to me once again. And to top it off, I received a Word specifically for me from God. That's pretty awesome!