Dear Facebook friends,
Some of you know me well and some not so much. Some know my testimony, some don't. This is for the ones who don't know my story. So to my Facebook friends who don't KNOW me, this is for you.
Some of you may have heard me talk about Jesus. Some of you may have heard me say things about praying a lot. This is just a piece of what's really inside and I want to share my story with you.
There is a picture of me at two weeks old. In the picture I am in the hands of a pastor who is lifting me toward heaven. My parents are standing in front of the pastor who are all in front of the church. All eyes are closed (except my moms, probably because she was afraid the pastor would drop me haha) and everyone is praying. I was being dedicated to God (kind of like a Christening). If there is one picture in my life that could represent what I am, it would be that picture. It was a picture that set the tone for my life: a life dedicated to the Lord.
Before I was even a thought, I was prayed for. I am a rainbow baby, a baby that was said to be impossible. Once I was conceived, I was prayed for even more. And the minute I entered the world, I was prayed for some more. To say I was raised in church is an understatement. God was all around me since the beginning: at home, at church, everywhere. My parents instilled Christian values and morals while the church reinforced those values. There is a verse in the Bible that says this: Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). I am an example of that verse.
But I didn't choose this life because my parents made the decision for me. Yes, I went to church my whole life. Yes, I went to Sunday School and learned about Jesus. Yes, my parents would have loved to choose a Christian life for me, but I chose this life all my own. And that is where MY story begins.
As a kid, I went to church because what else was a little kid going to do on a Sunday morning? I never fought my parents about going to church (I did fight about wearing those ridiculous frilly dresses haha). Church was cool, Jesus was cool too. So we went to church and it was what we did on Sundays.
Then freshman year at Absegami High School came. I had the BIGGEST dreams and aspirations a girl could ever have. I was going to join all the clubs, run for class president, do all the things, be the best student, become valedictorian, go to Princeton, become a doctor, and have the best high school career you could imagine. And I did. That first week of school, I signed up for everything under the sun. My name was on every list, under every club. I was off to a great start.
Then the second week came around. One day, out of the blue, I woke up with the WORST anxiety. All of a sudden fear and worry enveloped me and consumed my every thought. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. I thought it was a fluke and that it would disappear as quickly as it came, but it wouldn't go away.
My typical A's and B's turned into C's and D's (except for Math, I always did well in Math). I passed classes by the skin of my teeth and I missed a lot of school. I dropped out of all the clubs. I didn't understand what was going on in my life at the time. I just knew it wasn't pretty.
I spent my entire freshman year in constant fear, worry, and anxiety over things that were totally irrational. To embarrassed to talk about it, I tried fixing it on my own, but nothing worked. I was really drowning desperate for a way out.
One beautiful Spring morning, I woke up to the sun's rays shining in my room. I'll never forget the way the rays broke through my blinds and cast a beautiful beams of light across my bed and bedroom floor. I stared at the rays of light. I wished I could enjoy them more because they were so beautiful, but I knew what the day held and I couldn't see past that. I remember thinking how I hated waking up because it was fear and anxiety all day, from the moment I woke up to the minute I fell asleep. How could I enjoy anything anymore?
Then, a thought entered my mind. What if I tried praying? I mean what did I have to lose? My freshman year was almost over and a disaster. I had heard how powerful prayer could be, why not try that? So I did.
I started praying, asking God to heal me, make me better. I was diligent about it, like a diet. Every morning, every time I worried, every time I was fearful. Every day, all the time. I prayed.
I was not all of a sudden healed. Not even close. Actually, what started happening was that on Sunday mornings during church, I kept having this desire to go to the altar and pray. And so week after week, at the end of the church service, I would go to the altar, get on my hands and knees, and pray.
Sometimes I didn't even really know what I was doing there, but I just knew something was pulling me there. So I went. Sometimes I prayed, sometimes I just sat. But real talk, there was something special going on at that altar. I didn't realize it at the time, but I started building a relationship with this guy Jesus I learned so much about as a kid. I started to hear His voice, feel His presence and His amazing unconditional perfect love at that altar week after week. And slowly as my relationship with Jesus grew, the anxiety, fear, and worry, started to disappear.
I spent the summer between my freshman and sophomore year running to that altar every week, desperately craving that time with my Creator. Those moments there were more beautiful and perfect than I could put into words. I was being transformed in so many ways and it was certainly supernatural. I was building this relationship with the God I had heard so much about and He had healed me so gently and sweetly.
This is only part of why I love Jesus so much. He healed me. The kind of fear, worry, and anxiety I had doesn't just go away on its own. It was dark, deep, and all consuming and enveloping. And yet, in my darkest moment when most people would be scared to get close to me, Jesus drew me in with open arms and loved me with an unconditional, supernatural love that is like nothing I've ever experienced.
That was almost 20 years ago and I still remember it like yesterday. Because Jesus still does things like that for me today and He has all along in my relationship with Him.
So this is part of my story. There is more I will share soon, but I wanted you all who don't know me too well to understand why I serve a God I can't see. I pray you can find hope in my story.
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