Hope - Not so Much

Boy oh boy is God showing me things lately. Before I get into my blog about 'hope' I want to share something with you. If you are in a 'dry' place, if you are feeling spiritually empty, I dare you to take a GIANT leap of faith. As soon as we began talking about planting a church, I saw God in a way I've never seen Him and it only continues to get more and more amazing. Granted, opposition and spiritual warfare have accompanied this amazingness I've found in God, but it's totally worth the God I've discovered (who was always there, of course, I am just now seeing Him). If you're feeling 'comfortable' in your walk, ask God what you can do for Him, then DO IT! I promise He'll meet you half way. How can I promise that? Because the bible tells us if we seek Him, we'll find Him.
I had this dream about two months ago. I was walking down this dirt road lined with random people. As I was walking, three people came into sight and they were standing on the road. They were all standing at different points on the road (one was a little bit farther down the road then the other). As I got closer, I recognized the first as the Holy Spirit. He came up to me and hugged me and I was very happy to see Him. As I continued walking, I recognized the next person as Jesus. He came up to me and hugged me, too. I was happy to see Him as well. The third person was, you guessed it, God. He came up to me and hugged me also. At that point in my dream, I thought I was dead, totally freaked myself out, and woke myself up.
Since that dream, I tried to figure out why I had that dream. What was God trying to tell me? Was God trying to tell me He was there for me? I already knew that. That couldn't be it. There had to be something more. Was God trying to show me He loved me? No, I knew that, too. So what was God trying to show me? I had no idea and I couldn't figure it out. But I wanted to know.
Fast forward a few months. As we started the church planting process, like I've mentioned before, I've seen God in amazing ways. I feel closer to Him than ever before. What I've been searching for, I've finally found. Don't get me wrong here, I've always known God and I've loved Him since I learned about Him in Sunday School at the age of 5, but since graduating college, I've been trying to find this AMAZING. LOVING God people kept telling me about. I knew God as loving and amazing (at least thats what people told me), yes, but not the way people talked about. The way my husband talked about God's love was so much deeper than what I knew. I needed to understand what he was talking about. So I began searching, but for years I couldn't find it. I studied books of the bible trying to find this God my husband was in love with. Again, don't get me wrong, I loved God, I did, but IN love with Him? I don't think I could honestly say that. If I'm honest, I didn't really know a LOVING God. Ultimately, I saw God as a POWERFUL, condemning God. I loved Him because I was scared to go to hell, really. I loved Him because He blessed me, but when things got tough, I screamed at Him. My idea of God was all messed up.
I desperately tried to find a new God, a God I never saw before. I couldn't imagine a non-tangible God to be my best friend, but that's what I needed. I couldn't depend on Him solely, I couldn't even see Him! That was just crazy! And as many times as I told myself and others I really depended on God, I was still holding onto the wheel with one hand and I wasn't letting go!
Like I said, for four years, I searched for a deeper meaning to my relationship with God. I desperately wanted to see this AMAZING God I didn't see before. I craved a deeper relationship, one deeper than ever before. I started studying the gospels in hopes that I would find the God I was looking for. If I learned everything about Jesus that I could by studying the gospels, then I certainly would understand why people were in love with Jesus. But as I studied, I grew weary. The gospels were repetitive and I got confused, so I gave up. I could not figure out why God wasn't meeting me half way when I was trying so hard!
I began to worry a little bit. Did I lose my salvation? Did I lose the Holy Spirit along the way? What happened? Why was God eluding me?! At times, I just gave up searching, but when I got curious, I started my search again. Every time though, I got tired of searching and stopped. I knew God so well as a teenager. He spoke clearly to me. At that time in my life, I think I could honestly say, I was in love with God, but that was a long time ago, and I had walked away quite a few times since then. Where was that God? Where did He go and why wasn't He coming back? What did I do?!
And then we started this church planting process. My husband and I took a giant leap of faith and God caught us mid air. And I finally found what I was looking for. It took years of searching and although it was hard, it was worth the God I found. I wish I found Him sooner, I'll be honest, but there was a purpose in that, although Im not quite sure what it is.
Where does that crazy dream come in? Well, I believe God was showing me that the LONG road I was traveling down finally led me to Him. I think it was His way of saying my search was over. What an awesome feeling! :)
If you asked me why I think I searched for so long and couldn't find the God I once knew as a teenager, I would tell you it was because I wasn't doing what God wanted me to do. I don't think it's a coincidence that once we took a leap of faith and started church planting that God all of sudden revealed Himself to me just the way I was looking for Him to do. It leads me to believe that maybe we were supposed to start this process a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, I thought I WAS doing what God wanted me to be doing all along, but looking back, maybe I wasn't.
Either way, it doesn't matter now because we are doing exactly what God wants us to do. And like I said, it's no coincidence that once we stepped out of our comfort zone, God showed up in a new and AMAZING way. That's why I say if you're feeling spiritually empty or dry or even if you're looking for something more and deeper, step of your comfort zone. Show God you are willing to stand up for Him and actually do it. He won't disappoint....I know from experience ;)
Funny, I was supposed to write about hope. Maybe next time :)