September 11...Random Thoughts

Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of the worst day in American history. I have to admit after watching tons of documentaries and special news additions, that I am getting rather upset. I feel like I am reliving that day over and over each time. It really is taking its toll on me. I would stop watching them, but I feel like I have to. I feel like its the American thing to do. I HAVE to remember. I HAVE to acknowledge those who died because I would want them to do the same for me or for a loved one. I can't block it out like it didn't happen because it did happen.
When I watch those documentaries, I try and put myself in that person's shoes. I try and understand what it must have been like. I was only 18 at the time. Young and naive. I didn't even really know what the World Trade Center was. I mean, I knew what it was, but I didn't realize how significant it was or its iconic importance to our country. I was miles away from the impacts, so I couldn't possibly understand what those people felt. But I have to somehow understand. I NEED to know what it felt like to be in the middle of it. Maybe its some subconscious way of preparing myself...just in case. I don't know.
Of course, like everyone else, I remember exactly where I was. I was at home, getting ready for class. I watched as the second plane hit the second tower. I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew it was something bad by the reactions I saw on TV. I called my mom who told me everything was fine. I knew better because the news anchors were telling me differently and the emotion on each New Yorkers face spoke volumes.
I drove to school and listened to news radio. I didn't want to get out of the car. I wanted to hear every detail. What was happening to our country? I got out as I heard about the Pentagon. I didn't get it. I couldn't understand all that was happening.
I sat in my Calc class wondering what in the world was going on. Some girl ran into our class screaming and crying. She was looking for her boyfriend who sat across from me. He walked into the hallway with her and she cried as she said told him more planes were unaccounted for and some were headed for Atlantic City and the Sears Tower.
This scared me more than anything..more than the images themselves.
I went home that night hoping my parents would give me a definitive explanation of what was going on. The news was on as I walked in. My mom was cooking dinner and my dad was watching the news on the couch. I watched my dad's reaction as he watched the replay of the second plane going into the second tower over and over. I was waiting for his response to the images. Finally he said, "Oh my Gosh, its like a kamikaze." I asked him what that meant. He said, "its like they did it on purpose."
At that point, I got it. I understood. It all made sense. Someone was extremely mad at us and decided to do this. Before 9/11, in my naive little world, I could have never imagined someone would do that. That someone COULD do that. It changed my world.
To this day, I hold my breath and cringe whenever I hear a plane fly overhead and living by an air force base and the AC airport, its frequent. I am skeptical about anything in the air, preparing myself for the worse. I do not live in fear only because I have chosen to block the fear out, but like I said, I am always skeptical. I don't like flying and never have. 9/11 gives me more of a reason not to fly. If I do, I need valume. I search the plane up and down for anyone that looks suspicious. I would tackle someone if I had to. I probably would be arrested for profiling and accidentally trying to attack someone. I'll just stay away from planes for now.
The other day I heard a phone call that was recorded on 9/11. It was between a 911 operator and a guy from inside the tower. It records the last 5 minutes of this guys life. It ends with him screaming and the towers collapsing. I don't know why I listened to it because it gave me nightmares. I couldn't sleep for days. But I HAD to listen to it. I had to know what happened in the towers. I wanted to know what it was like for those people inside. After I listened to it, I questioned. Why did God not save those people? Why didn't He help them in some way? The guy inside the towers kept saying he couldn't breath because of the smoke and at one point he tells the operator to ask God to blow wind from the West. Why couldn't God do that? Why didn't He do it?
I know a lot of people were saved that day, but so many lost their lives. I wish it was different. I wish people didn't have to lose their lives. I wish people didn't have to suffer. Its heart breaking.
In the end, I thank God my family was safe. I mourn with those who lost loved ones. I remember those who died. I cry with those who cry. I have not gotten to the point where I can say I mourn the loss of the terrorists. I can't yet...I am still angry. I feel like they got what they deserved. Hell is an awful place and I feel like they deserve to be there. I know thats my human instinct taking over, but part of me does not want to forgive them. I can't. Maybe someday I can honestly say I forgive them, but today, I cannot. I feel like if I said I forgave them I would be slapping all those who lost loved ones in the face.
With God's help, one day I can move on...however, I will never forget <3