I Don't Believe In Coincidences

Do you? Believe in coincidences? I don't. I don't believe things 'just' happen, so I guess you could say I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that because I believe Jesus orchestrates our every move, our every step, for some purpose or another. Allow me to give you an example.

My awesome father in law posted on Facebook that there was a crazy shoe sale at the local department store. Shoes? Sale? I'm there. As soon as I saw the post, I was out the door. When I got to the store it was packed. I mean, can't move, people everywhere, line out the building packed. I searched high and low for the new Nike sneakers I wanted, but I couldn't find them. Luckily, my husband was home and was able to get them online for the sale price! Score!

I was a little disappointed I didn't get to have the joy of purchasing my new sneakers, so I decided to go shop around. After all, I had gone to the store to spend some money! I made my way over to the Christmas section (c'mon, who doesn't love Christmas, even at the beginning of November). The display was gorgeous! I walked around and thought about what I would splurge on (I'm a stay at home mom on a tight budget). I couldn't find one thing I REALLY wanted. Then, I saw the Department 56 Villages Collection display. If you know me, you know I have the Department 56 North Pole Village. Yes, these buildings and their accessories are expensive. That's why I don't buy them, I get them as gifts. :) I've collected quite a bit over the years and am always looking out for any new pieces to ask for as a Christmas gift.

I looked up and down the isles and decided that this year's new pieces weren't something I desired. Then, there it was, the one piece I've wanted since I started collecting. This piece was big, beautiful, and perfect for my collection. Unfortunately, with this big, beautiful piece, came a hefty price tag. I never asked for it for Christmas because it would be the ONLY gift I would get and I thought that would be silly. I mean after all, it was just a building. Oh, but what a beautiful building it was...

I stared at the box in amazement. Even the picture on the box sparkled. As I stared at the box, my eyes wondered to the top of the box where the price tag was. I looked at the price, already knowing what it would say and looked away. Wait a second, did I see that right? What in the world?! There must be a mistake. Here was a $150 building and the price I was reading said $24.95. That's twenty four dollars and ninety five cents. "No, that can't be. There probably should be a one in front of that two," I thought.

I was baffled. BUT, having worked retail in college, I decided to take the box to the register and see if they would honor the price on the box. "Hey, the worst that could happen is that they say no." So I grabbed the box and carried it to the register with the biggest smile on my face having a feeling of ownership already. The box was empty, so I knew the building was on display somewhere. I told the girl at the register the box was empty and that the building was on display, but I wanted to purchase it. She told me to wait while she hunted it down.

I waited patiently, hoping, praying, that the price on the box was for real. I waited for about five minutes and the girl came back with MY building. Oh it was so beautiful. I was in love. I talked to her about how busy the store was while she packaged the building in it's perfect box. Then, I held my breath as she scanned the price tag. "Ok, your total is $26.34." YES YES YES!!!! It was the right price!! Honestly, I don't remember the cents...I just heard $26 and blanked out after that because I was so excited!

The best part? I didn't pay the $26.34 or whatever it was. The sweet girl at the register decided to give me a 25% discount. I have no idea why. I know at one point she thought a piece had broken off, but I showed her that the one piece she thought was missing was actually in the box and was supposed to be detachable. But that's the only reason I can think of why she would give me a discount...

So, how much did I pay for the building in the end? A building that was originally $150? And if you know anything about Department 56, they don't go on sale. I paid the lovely price of $19.05. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
My village is complete now. :) Except for maybe a few accessories... ;)

A coincidence? I don't think so. I believe it to be a blessing from God. And you can think I'm crazy for thanking Him over and over for it. Because I believe God does care about the stupid things we care about, even silly buildings. :)

#GodMustReallyLoveMe


My new building :)

...I count it all as loss...

I sit here. It's a Friday night. My 19 month old is sleeping. My husband is reading article after article about the hottest new computer game on his Ipad. The tv is on, but no one is watching. I stare blankly at the laptop in front of me. I have no idea what I'm reading because I'm in deep thought. How did my life end up like this? What happened to those fun Friday nights out in high school and college? I swore my life would never be this way. Yet, here I am, doing exactly what I swore I'd never do.

Life used to be fun. Now, it just seems stressful and overwhelming. So much to do, so little time. Not enough time to do the things I want and desire. No time to foster new friendships and relationships. No time to work out as much as I want. No time to just breathe and enjoy life. Instead, I eat at the kitchen counter because actually getting to eat is a luxury between chasing my 19 month old and keeping him happy (yes, I have constant indigestion). I've convinced myself doing dishes is fun and therapeutic since I do them at least three times a day. And laundry? That's the highlight of my day.

It's Friday night. I sit here thinking. I'm slowly drowning in self despair. I tell myself I need to stop. I need Jesus. I need some hope. I turn to google. "Daily devotional for women." I see this verse: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3 

This is exactly what I need to read. 

My trial is minimal, but the road is no less rocky. I needed to see this. I needed to be reminded that when the world constantly fails me, God never does and He shows up at the perfect times. Like on this Friday night, when I feel like the biggest loser ever. 

Thank You God for who You Are and continue to Be in my life even though I constantly fail and disappoint You. Thank You for loving me no matter what. Thank You for being there for me when I feel alone. Thank You for giving me hope in a world that has none. Thank You for the trials that teach me how to persevere, persist, and trust. Thank You Father 

God has given me this verse: What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ - Philippians 3:8

"My power is made perfect in weakness"

Last night at church was awesome. There really is something about a few people who get together with open hearts. God is able to move freely and it is just amazing to be simply sitting in His presence. It's beautiful...

As my husband began his sermon on 'suffering,' I made a face. 'Suffering' is not a topic I like to talk about. Then again, who would like to talk about it? Since we are a small group, my husband asked me why I furrowed my brow and gave him 'a look.' I said, "I get that we have to suffer sometimes, but I don't want to think about it." Everyone laughed...they probably agreed.

Simply put: My husband answered the age old question as to 'WHY'  people suffer. And the answer is this: God allows us to suffer for His glory and for His Namesake. Contrary to what some people believe, tough times don't come upon us because we sinned or did something wrong (read John 9:1). It's not ALL Satan attacking us. Maybe Satan is attacking, but it's only because God is allowing Him to do so (think Job, God allowed that).

My husband used this awesome analogy of Satan on a leash and God controlling the leash. Satan does NOT have power over God. God is in control of everything.

To be honest, the entire sermon I tried 'not listening' attentively. I really didn't want to think about suffering, but we all know it's going to happen in some way or another. Sometimes it's what grows us and brings us closer to God. But sometimes it's just to bring glory to His Name. 2 Corinthians 12:9 - Paul has some type of ailment and prays three times to God asking Him to "take it away.." God responds, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Following that, Paul writes, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

My husband closed out church with a prayer and as soon as I closed my eyes, I started complaining to God. "Ugh, God, why do we HAVE to suffer?" (so silly of me, especially because my husband JUST preached on it). I felt God say, "because then you'll know that I am real." I went from complaining, to apologizing over and over. "I'm sorry God, I get it, I'm sorry." A total 'face in palm, i'm so dumb' moment. Who was I to ever question what God does? Good thing He loves me...

Getting back to the topic..no, suffering is not fun, but sometimes it is what has to happen to bring glory to God. And that is why we are here, to bring glory to His Name. It's that simple.

God is So AWESOME

As Fall approached and arrived in the past month, I caught "Fall fever." I love Fall and especially Fall decorations! The pumpkins, the leaves, the cornstalks, and scarecrows are all so fun and festive! I love that they represent cooler weather and the start of a new school year. Everything about it is great!

Since Fall has become my new favorite season, I've been yearning for some Fall decorations. Nothing crazy, just a simple pumpkin or pretty Fall wreath. I would love to completely deck out our condo with all things Fall, but since I stay home with my little man, our budget won't allow it (I'm not complaining here, I wouldn't trade anything for getting to stay home with my baby, it's just a fact). 

My son and I have been out and about over the past few weeks and I've wanted to buy a cute pumpkin decoration or something to place in the condo to represent Fall, but when I think about what to purchase with the extra spending money we do have, a pumpkin decoration doesn't seem important. I guess I'd rather spend my money on something more significant. Thus, I haven't bought any Fall decorations.

Ok, so I'm about to get a little off topic here, but I promise I'm going to make a connection. 

The other day, Caleb and I drove to the library. We do this once a week or so to get a new set of books to read before nap time and bedtime (Caleb loves books!). On the way, I saw this big Mega Bloks firetruck sitting out by someone's curb. There were quite a few toys and things sitting out on the curb that were clearly being thrown away. I noticed the firetruck because it was bright red and looked brand new. 

I drove past slowly at first and thought about whether or not I should grab it. It was drizzling out and I didn't want to get wet, but that firetruck was screaming my name! I turned around and drove past it again. And then I turned around again and drove past it one more time. It's bright red color and awesome stickers sucked me in, so I got out of the car, grabbed the truck and threw it in the trunk. 

After I closed the trunk, I forgot about the firetruck and focused on getting to the library. We spent about an hour at the library (we met a friend), and then headed out to get a potty and some onsies for Caleb. At the store, we saw another big Mega Bloks truck. This one was a little different from the firetruck we picked up, but similar in size. The truck in the store was a dump truck and was different colors. Caleb saw it and decided it would be a great idea to push it around the store (that means he liked it). I looked at the price and thought, "Gosh, I would love to buy this for him, but I don't want to spend the money, especially because he has so many trucks already. Uhhh, God, what do I do?"

Then, God reminded me of the firetruck I just picked up. DUH! I had completely forgotten about it! I didn't need to buy the one in the store. I already had one and it was FREE!! 

God knew I would want that truck before I even knew I wanted it. And no, I don't think that was a coincidence. I believe that because.....

Inside the firetruck were other items the people who were throwing it out stuck in there. One thing was a baseball (of no use to me) and the other things were two pumpkin votive holders perfect for our condo. :)

God is so awesome. :) Sometimes I forget that cares about the simplest things. :)

#IServeTheBestGodEver

Sovereign God

A few nights ago, I got a message from someone asking me to pray for a woman who had just lost her husband. I don't want to share too many details because it's not my place to share that much information, but this woman of faith has obviously just experienced a tragedy.

On the same night I received the message asking for prayers for this woman, my son, who has been sleeping through the night for over a year now, woke up crying. As I sat in the rocker with him taking complete advantage of the moment (he doesn't usually let me rock him to sleep anymore), I began to think about this woman. Knowing the few details that I knew, I began to pray for her.

I wasn't sure what to pray for other than peace, comfort, and allowing her to be reminded that despite everything she's going through, God is still in control. As I prayed, I felt it necessary to continually pray that God show her He is still in control.

After a few minutes I put my son back in his crib and climbed back into bed. I prayed for a few more minutes and then just laid in bed thinking about this woman. As I thought about her and her situation, I thought of others who have been through tough times. My heart began to break as I thought about these people in these tragic situations and I began to question God. Why? Why does our loving God allow these things?

As soon as I asked these questions, I felt God say, 'because I am the sovereign God.' As many thoughts crossed my mind as to what God meant by that, I had a sudden urgency to research this word, 'sovereign.' I knew what it meant, but obviously there was more to God's sovereignty then I knew. So, there in bed, at 2:30AM I googled 'sovereign' on my husband's Kindle Fire.

I found this from thefreedictionary.com:

1. One that exercises supreme, permanent authority, especially in a nation.., as: a king or queen

and this

2. Self-governing, independent; having supreme rank or power; paramount, supreme.

and this

3. autonomous, free, unmitigated

As I read those descriptions of the word 'sovereign,' I realized that those terms and phrases were a good depiction of God and His power. To be honest, I didn't really like what I read. God is powerful, there's no question about it and He does rule and that's awesome. What I didn't like was the definition of autonomous which means not controlled by others or outside forces.

In a way, that's a good thing. What that told me is that God is going to do whatever He wants. His plan is going to be fulfilled whether we like it or not. The fact that no one can touch His perfect plan is awesome. But what I didn't like was how it said that autonomous means not controlled by outside forces. I began to question, 'What about our prayers? Sometimes our prayers change God's mind.If our prayes don't change things, then why do we pray?"

I guess you could break down the word controlled and say that I took it in a direction it wasn't meant to go. I know we don't control God, but our prayers do change things sometimes. And I could say that sometimes we do persuade God by our prayers. Think of Moses praying on behalf of the Isrealites in Exodus.

To be honest, the definitions I was reading were a great reminder of how powerful God is, but I already knew that and I wasn't sure how it related to what I had been praying about earlier. However, as I kept reading various synonyms of 'sovereign,' I got to the bottom of the page and found this:

excellent, valuable, efficient, helpful, reliable, worthwhile, unfailing, effectual..

As I clicked on some of those words for a better understanding of what they meant I found things like, trustworthy, faithful, and infallible.

That's when it clicked. Yes, God is indeed powerful. He has a plan and my guess is 9 times out of 10, His plan pans out. There are times our prayers may change things, but I'm not sure when or how they do. Maybe they change God's mind more often then not, but I may never know for sure.

Here's the thing: how awesome is it that there's a God out there that controls the universe and even though He is powerful and can do whatever He wants, He's faithful to us, He's trustworthy, He's reliable and worthwhile, He's unfailing and excellent. That amazes me...

I felt God remind me that night that just because bad things happen and we don't understand them, doesn't mean God lost control. In fact, when bad things happen, God is very much in control, fulfilling His plan. I find comfort in this...

...and I guess that's why I repeated my prayer of asking God to show that woman who lost her husband that He is still in control.

#myGodisAwesome

Oh How He Loves Me

We just had an awesome church service at Authentic. I don't know what was different tonight, but it was so awesome. I felt God so close tonight, closer than any other night, at least, as far as I can remember. We had great worship and then a great word on Nehemiah 9. We talked about covenants and the importance of a covenant. I learned that a covenant is like a contract, except if someone breaks a covenant they die. We talked about the old covenant God made with Abraham and how God made Abraham and His descendants (the Israelites) many promises, gave them many mercies, and blessed them abundantly. We also talked about how the Israelites ignored, disobeyed, and rebelled against God. And we talked about the new Covenant that was created when Jesus died for us.

It was really interesting how we approached this study. We first wrote down all the things God gave the Israelites in Nehemiah 9. Then, we wrote down all the responses from the Israelites to the things God gave them.

This really put things into perspective for me because I know we are much like the Israelites. As we were writing all these things down on the dry-erase board, I thought about my own life and how it resembled the Israelites. God has blessed me abundantly and given me so much and yet I continually disobey, ignore, and rebel. I'd like to think I don't intentionally ignore God, but I know I do.

As I thought about my life, I thought, "Gosh, I must really drive God nuts. One minute, I love Him, the next minute I'm ignoring Him, the next minute, I'm asking Him for favors. I must seriously drive Him crazy."

As much as I would love to think I am NOT at all like the Israelites, I am exactly like them. When I read about how God made them promises and then two verses later, they are doubting Him, I think, "OMG they are so stupid! I would NEVER do that! I wouldn't doubt!" But if someone read a book of my life, they would find the same thing. They would see God make me promises and then two paragraphs later me doubting what I clearly heard Him tell me.

I don't like coming to this realization, that I am exactly like the Israelites. I like to pretend that I would be better than the Israelites. I would like to think that I would obey God and listen and serve Him perfectly, but I know I will always be just like them.

This makes me feel bad. I feel bad that I can't do a better job. I feel bad that God created us and we fail Him constantly. I feel bad that His children constantly ignore Him.

At the end of our service, we had an in depth theological discussion about all sorts of things and my mind was overwhelmed. I am not an abstract person. I like concrete ideas that have steps and can be figured out. Anything else is hard for me to grasp. I came to the conclusion at the end, that despite me being just like the Israelites and failing constantly, and no matter what I think about free will or the rapture or death, Jesus still loves me and nothing can change that. He will ALWAYS love me no matter what I do, say, think, or feel. He will always love me, even if I am like the Israelites. And I will always love Him. I won't love Him perfectly like He loves me, but I will try.

That's all that matters.

Strike Up A Conversation

At Bible Study last night, we discussed the first few parts of the book The Tangible Kingdom Primer: An Eight Week Guide to Incarnational Community. If you're thinking, 'what?,' you aren't alone. When we first started talking about this, I had never heard of the word 'incarnational.' What it means is: to be a representation of Jesus. So, an incarnational community is a bunch of people being a representation of Jesus. Makes sense, right? Right.

Anyway, as we were discussing this book/guide, we came to a part I did not like. Before I get into that, let me tell you something. I did NOT want to go to Bible Study last night. If you know me, you might be thinking, "Gina, you live there, you have to go!" True, but there have been times I sat in our bedroom because I was too tired and there have been times I went out because I had errands to run. Last night was one of those nights where I was too tired. I was just drained in every aspect of life: physically, emotionally, and mentally. I told my husband I didn't want to have Bible Study and that I wanted to relax. That wasn't an option, unfortunately, because it was too late to cancel and we had cancelled last week. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having Bible Study at our place every week, but it's HARD. We open up our house twice a week: once for Bible Study and once for church. It's draining, especially when you have a baby.

Anyway, I desperately wanted to cancel Bible Study, but when that wasn't an option, I told my husband I needed a break and I wasn't going to attend. I had every intention of not attending when some how, some way, God orchestrated my steps otherwise. Yes, I ended up attending Bible Study even though it wasn't MY plan.

Here's where I pick up where I left off a few paragraphs ago. We get to a part in this book/guide I do NOT like. The book and John had challenged us to do the following this week: cross you fence and do something to bless or simply converse with one neighbor on your street, cross you street and do something to connect with someone who is close to your home, but with whom you haven't built a relationship yet, and cross a social, political or ethnic barrier.

"Excuse me?! No, I am not doing that! I do NOT have the time for that," were my initial thoughts. Then I thought, "I should have skipped Bible Study like I planned, then I wouldn't have to do this." I honestly hate going out of my way, now more than ever because I don't have the energy or the motivation, but as a group we committed to this so I was stuck. And honestly, since we committed, I was going to take it seriously.

Fast forward to the next day. Here I am at ShopRite starting conversations with everyone I cross paths with, which at 730 AM, isn't a lot, but I did manage to strike up a conversation with an old couple from Bucks County in the deli line who had five sons and 6 grandchildren (by the way, the old man likes his cheese VERY thinly cut). It's amazing what you learn about people. And I did strike up a conversation with my cashier, which may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is because I NEVER talk to my cashier. BTW, she has three sons, non of which have kids and she was desperate for grandkids.

No, these people weren't in my neighborhood per se, but they were at the 'neighborhood' supermarket and it was nice to talk with them. I didn't talk about Jesus, but I made sure to give them a friendly smile and a 'have a nice day,' as I walked away. And it felt good, to be nice and friendly.

Everything was going well at ShopRite. I was making an effort to talk to people and if the opportunity arose, I'd do something nice for them like the book suggested (I did move my cart to the side for people to get by a few times). Then, as I'm in the checkout line, with my groceries all packed up and ready to be delivered to my trunk, I go to pay and realize my debit card is MIA. I have no other form of payment except a checkbook, but ShopRite conveniently doesn't take checks. Surprisingly, I was able to keep cool without having a meltdown even though I had no idea how I was going to pay for my thawing food.

I called my husband and he told me to go to the bank and take money out and pay for the groceries with cash. "How can I take money out if I don't have my debit card?" I asked. "The old fashioned way," he replied. It's been so long since I've done that, I forgot how. Luckily, the bank was like 200 feet away and I dashed there and back in 7 minutes. As inconvenient as it all was, I was able to talk to another employee and strike up a conversation with her.

When all was said and done, it was a successful day even though I had a slight mishap while checking out. I was glad I made the effort to talk to people and learn about them. It was pretty neat. And I don't know why the whole debit card going MIA thing happened. Maybe it was Satan. Maybe he was angry I was being so friendly. Maybe it was God. Maybe God wanted me to talk to the second cashier I never would have talked to if I had my card. Or maybe it was just me being dumb and leaving it. Who knows. Either way, I feel like I accomplished something. No, I didn't lead anyone to Jesus or even talk about Him, but who's to say that my smile and friendly conversation didn't brighten up someone's day? Or reveal a love they've never seen? I'll probably never know, but that's okay, I feel like I did what God wanted me to do: show His love through my actions.

BTW, I don't write this to pat myself on the back. I know there are people out there who do this on a daily basis. But this was a big step for me and I'm happy and glad I could do something this simple for Jesus.

Be Careful What You Pray For

You know that saying, "Be careful what you pray for?" Well, here's a lesson in that.

Last Monday, I got bored. I was just flat out bored with life. I was bored of the same routine of waking up every day, getting Caleb, changing Caleb, feeding Caleb, playing with Caleb, putting Caleb down for a nap, and repeating those steps multiple times a day, every day. I STUPIDLY told God how bored I was and STUPIDLY asked Him to spice things up a bit and not just in my ordinary day to day life.

Spiritually, I was bored and I needed some motivation. I just wasn't 'feelin it'. I didn't have a desire to read the Bible, listen to worship music or pray. So, I asked God to help me by making my spiritual life, 'interesting.'

You would have thought I learned back when I was in labor with Caleb. While we were driving to the hospital, I STUPIDLY begged God for harder, stronger, contractions to let me know I was truly in labor. I didn't want to be THAT girl that got sent home for false labor. Anyway, two seconds later, while I was in the car on the Parkway, I got the worst contraction yet and I wanted to die. I remember thinking, "Did I REALLY just pray for that?!" Dumb.

So, here I was again on Monday, asking for God to spice things up. Of all the prayers I've prayed, God always seems to answer this one right away. Go figure. As you can imagine, it didn't take God long to answer my prayer, which wasn't even really a prayer, per se, more like a thought. I had that "thought" Monday afternoon. I never expected to wake up Tuesday to the chaos that ensued.

I was just waking up to Caleb talking in his crib when my husband storms in the bedroom and says, "Lovies, I think my car got towed." I was still half asleep, but I could tell he was mad. He was already late for work and this just made things worse. "What are you talking about?" was my response. Keep in mind I was still semi-comatose.  "My car got towed!" "No, that's not possible. Maybe someone stole it." "No, it got towed." was the conversation between my husband and me.

To make a long story short, his car did get towed because he forgot to hang the parking pass for our development on his rear view mirror. My husband ended up calling out of work for the day, which thank God doesn't hurt us financially because he gets paid salary, but the cost to the towing company did hit us in the wallet pretty hard.

The whole morning event pretty much ruined my husband's day and the mood in the house was miserable. Both my husband and I were frustrated, but since he was home we decided to call a Realtor, something we had been planning on doing for awhile, but just never got around to it. The whole towing situation gave us more motivation to move out of our place faster.

So we called the Realtor and she came over that afternoon. We were really excited to get the ball rolling on moving into a house, but we received bad news. Basically, we bought our condo when the market was still really high and now our place isn't worth that much. We can't roll over our loss into a new mortgage because they don't do that anymore so we either had to consider a short sale, which would kill our credit or foreclose.

In other words, we're stuck. I think my husband was more upset then I was, even though we both knew it was inevitable that we were staying in our condo for longer than we had planned. As you can imagine, this upset our day even more, but since I had asked God to make life interesting, I was somewhat prepared. I was ready for this and I was ready to prove to God that I would still praise Him in this storm. So, that's exactly what I did. I took to my Facebook status and proclaimed my joy even though our day pretty much sucked. No, it wasn't easy, exactly, but like I said, I was ready to prove to God I'd still serve Him no matter what.

I have to be honest, Saturday night at church (the Saturday before THAT Monday where I had THAT thought), John asked the question if we had no roof over our head and no food to eat, would we still praise God and thank Him regardless. Honestly, if life was that bad, I don't know if I could, but I wanted to prove to God that I was willing to try. When I asked God to spice life up a bit, I wanted something that would allow me to prove to Him that I would still thank Him and still praise Him no matter what.

Like I said, of all the prayers I've prayed, God answered this one pretty quickly. Then again, I don't always go asking God to hand me trials and tough times, so I guess it makes sense. Either way, one thing I learned about God through this is that He is the ultimate teacher. He is always teaching me something new whether it be through my trials, through my child, through people, or through my ordinary day to day life. He will find a way to reach me. I imagine I make His job a lot easier though when I pray for Him to 'make life interesting.'

What I learned at church..

...when a few passionate people gather together and sing praises to God, amazing things happen...

...life isn't about us, it's about God...

...we're doing something right when we give up our successes for the success of God...



What I've decided I'm going to do about what I learned..

...I'm offering myself up to God to do amazing things with me...

...all for His glory...

.

Persistence

Saturday night at church was hard for me. I've been struggling since the whole job situation happened. At the end of church, John asked if anyone had a prayer request. I was VERY hesitant to bombard people with my issues and did not plan on saying anything. All of a sudden though, my mouth opened and I spoke.

Like I said, I wasn't planning on saying anything, but it was like something hit me on the back and made me speak (not physically of course). I said, "yeah, I have one. I'm just really struggling..." Honestly, I had a hard time explaining what I was struggling with because I wasn't even exactly sure what was bothering me, but I knew there was something. I feel like I rambled a bit until I actually figured out what it was. It was the fact that the whole job situation hurt me so bad that I turned from God for a bit and the spirit in me was struggling to get back to a deeper relationship with Him. I craved that deep connection I had before, but I couldn't get back there.

As I talked it out with my church family (who just so happens to be my REAL family), my father in law said the most profound thing that rung loudly in my ears. I have to tell you real quick. My father in law is an amazing man of God. Every time I talk to him, he says something that sticks with me, challenges me, or makes me think. He blows me mind with how knowledgeable he is. If you want an edifying, deep conversation about Jesus, call my father in law. He's good for that.

I digress, moving on. As I talked about my struggles, my father in law said something about persistence, and that we can't turn our backs on God and expect to go right back to a deep relationship with Him like before. God wants us to prove our faith by persistence. As soon as he said that word, persistence, I knew it was what God wanted me to hear. That word kept playing over and over and over in my head.

Fast forward a few days to today. As I'm running on the treadmill rocking out to my worship music, God reminded me of something. Bare with me as I try and explain....

A few weeks ago when we had that major storm and the power went out, we all got a taste of what people in third world countries go through day in and day out. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but having no electricity and no water during the dog days of summer was pretty bad.

During the few days without power, I tried to picture life as if this were the new normal. Would I still praise God when I was sweating bullets, with no AC, little food, no TV, no internet, with no relief in sight? I can't answer that and I hope I never have to experience that. But as I was thinking about that, I thought about those people in third world countries where they've been praying for years for God to help them. I started thinking about the Israelites in captivity and how they prayed for years. Would I be able to persist? Would I turn on God because He didn't answer my prayers fast enough? What would I do?

In a weird way, after the power outage, I asked God to teach me persistence. Because what if one day I'm called to the mission field and I get taken hostage (yes, I do think about those things)? Would I be one of those missionaries people talk about that knew they were going to die, but praised God til the end? Or what if we lose power again and we never get it back? Would I still be able to praise God when life took such a drastic turn for the worst? God reminded me of these thoughts today.

Two weeks after the power outage, God gave me exactly what I asked of Him. The job situation was a lesson about persistence. It was a lesson in praising Him anyway, even when things don't go my way. A lesson in trusting Him, no matter what.

Two weeks ago, I never thought I'd say this, but I found myself today thanking God for the trials. It's grown me, grown my faith, and made me a better person for Him.

I have to say, learning persistence is hard for me. I'm not used to waiting. I've always gotten what I wanted when I wanted it. After all, I am the baby of the family. Since the day I was born, I was doted upon by an older brother who thought I was the coolest thing since ice pops and pretzels, and my parents who longed for a baby girl. To this day, I am abundantly spoiled by my family and specifically by my husband. He gives me what I want and showers me with love and affection constantly. I don't need persistence in this human life...

But I need it in my spiritual life. And God knew that. So, here I am...learning persistence....

Only God could turn something bad into something good

So much has happened since I last posted. For awhile I thought my latest post would be about God's awesome power and faithfulness, and although He continues to be both of those things, my post won't be about that. At least I don't think it'll be about that.....

I'm not even sure where this post will go. What I do know is that I will share with you what God has been doing in my life and maybe along the way, I'll find or learn something I didn't see before. So here it goes...

Last week, John and I received some bad news about a job situation. We were pretty distraught, upset, and crushed. I can't speak for John, but I really thought things were going to work out in our favor. When they didn't, both John and I were confused. Why had God allowed this to happen again when we asked Him to close doors if it wasn't His will? Didn't He hear our specific prayers? If He cares about us, how could He do this to us, for the FOURTH time? (By fourth, I mean that three other similar situations happened over the past three years).

I was so angry at God that in my mind I pictured throwing things at Him, but it only made me more mad that I couldn't REALLY throw anything at Him. I said I wouldn't speak to Him for a long time. I told Him I needed some space. I just didn't want to talk to or spend time with a God that hurt me so badly. I couldn't see any good in what happened and I knew better than to ask 'why?' So, I went on with life ignoring God as best as I could.

There was a situation that happened to me three years ago (unrelated to what I referred to in the beginning of this post). I was so drained emotionally and spiritually from it that I needed a break from God. I was so confused and hurt that I wasn't sure I could ever trust God again. So, I ignored Him and pretended He wasn't there. It took me three months to acknowledge God again and even after I acknowledged Him, it took a few more months to get back to where I was spiritually. It took some time before I could really trust Him again.

Fast forward three years to last week. Again, I was in a situation where I was angry with God and felt like it would take some time before I could acknowledge Him or trust Him again. I expected it take a few months, just like last time. However, this time, it was only a few days before I was 'back to normal.'

Nothing was different this time. I was equally as hurt and upset. Maybe my being able to 'recover' more quickly means I've grown and matured in my faith..who knows. Either way, I'm glad I was able to move past  all of it more quickly this time, even though it hasn't been easy. There's still a part of me that's hurt and confused. I still don't understand why God would allow what happened to happen, but I'm able to put it behind me and move forward.

During all of this, someone said to me, "What shows and proves our faith is our ability to move forward and continue to praise God regardless. That's faith." This really stuck with me. It hit a chord inside me. For whatever reason, something in me wanted to prove to God I could handle a 'hard hit.' I wanted to prove I could be faithful even in my darkest hour. So instead of ignoring God and staying angry at Him, I mustered up the ounce of faith I felt I had left and stood firm on trusting Him again. And let me tell you, it's not easy. There are days, where I think I can't or don't want to trust Him because I am reminded of the 'bad' things He's allowed in my life, but I continue to strive even when part of me doubts God.

Like I said, it hasn't exactly been easy trusting God again. Although it took me a few days to trust Him again, it's still taking some time to get back to where I was before. So, I began begging God for a Word, something that will let me know He still cares, He still hears me, and that He still loves me. This was something I needed that would help me trust again. I prayed every time I went out that someone would come up to me with a Word. I would have accepted it from any one...I was so desperate to hear something from God. You might be wondering why I didn't directly ask Him for a Word. Well, I just wasn't ready yet. I needed it to come from somewhere else. I didn't have the energy to pray and I really needed God to prove Himself to me again. I wanted to see His power. I wanted something deep.

Fast forward a few days. I kept getting invited to this Bible Study/Prayer Meeting, but I kept saying no. It was on the night that we host our own Bible Study at our condo and I felt like I needed to be home. Aside from that, I was tired and drained from the day's events. I just couldn't make it. Then, toward the end of our bible study, something happened. Have you ever had a feeling like you were supposed to be some place? Or maybe a feeling that you were supposed to leave a place? Or maybe a feeling inside that told you to take another way home and you found out later you avoided an accident? I guess you could say that I had some feeling inside of me that told me I needed to get to that meeting.

I debated going. I had stayed for our bible study and it was getting late. I wasn't sure anyone would be at the other bible study I was invited to, but the feeling inside me told me to go. So, I went. I got there two hours after it started and everyone was still there, by no mistake, I'm sure.

I talked to several people and it was so refreshing. I felt good just being there. Then, I was prayed for. I didn't really expect anything to come out of being prayed for, to be honest. I just thought, oh, all these awesome people are just going to pray for me and that will be it. But a few seconds into the prayer, God gave someone a Word for me. I listened carefully as this man I just met gave me this Word. At first, I was a little confused on where he was going with this Word, but then it all made sense.

The reason I was confused in the beginning was because I did not expect God to say something so personal. Of all the things that God could have told me, He chose to address something that was so personal and important to me. He really did care about me. He really did love me. And He gave me a Word I needed to hear that would help me love Him and trust Him again. This changed me.

I still can't believe God chose to give me a Word based on something so personal. The people praying for me, were actually praying for something totally unrelated to what the Word was! It just reminds me how I serve such a personal God. A God who wants a personal relationship with me...little ol me. I'm nothing special, but God, the creator of the universe, wants a personal relationship with ME! It's just amazing.

So as awesome as this post would have been if things would have worked out the way I had hoped, I'm kinda glad they didn't. I think this post is even more awesome since things didn't work out like planned. I learned something through it all and God proved Himself to me once again. And to top it off, I received a Word specifically for me from God. That's pretty awesome!

My Baby Boy - Caleb's Birth Story

My EDD was Tuesday, March 29. Since I had been dilated almost 2 cm and effaced 75% for 3 weeks, I assumed Caleb would come early, and I wasn't the only one who thought this. Each week at my doctor's appointments, my midwives assured me that I would not be late, and that I would most likely deliver early. I had no problem with this. In fact at 37 weeks, I was ready to be done being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, being pregnant is the most exciting, beautiful thing in the world, but at 37 weeks, I was uncomfortable, my back ached terribly unless I was lying down, and I desperately wanted my body back. So I mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared to have my first born son earlier than expected.
As my EDD got closer, I was getting more and more anxious. So the weekend before, I made a list of everything I knew that could induce labor. You name it, I tried...except for the castor oil. I heard that makes life 'interesting' when it comes to your bowels and I wasn't down with that. So my darling husband and I walked, jogged, bounced, jumped, squatted, bounced some more, 'did the deed' (if you know what I'm sayin), and walked some more. I had a few Braxton Hicks, but that was it. Nothing else.

My DD came and went and I was distraught. I needed to see a light at the end of this very long tunnel so I begged my midwife to schedule an induction for me. I didn't want or plan for an induction, but I was getting desperate and like I said, I needed to see an end. One was scheduled for me on April 4, a week after my DD.

I was so sure I was having little man before his DD that I actually slept on a pile of towels in anticipation of my water breaking in the middle of the night. Of course my efforts were all in vain because that never happened. I woke up the morning after my EDD at 8am (March 30) and decided there was one last thing I could try to induce labor and that one thing kinda freaked me out. My sister in law had suggested it and although it freaked me out, I was desperate so I tried it. You're wondering what it is, right? I'm gonna keep it real here for a moment and just say, I did the nipple stimulation thing. It was weird and very awkward, but I was by myself so I thought what the hay?!

Well let me tell you, it worked, 10 seconds later I was having contractions. They were 8 minutes apart for about an hour. At first I was in denial that it could actually be time, especially because the 'feelings' I was experiencing were not at all like cramps like some people described. The sensations I was feeling felt like my butt was falling off. Weird, right?

Anyway, once the sensations stopped, I decided to have a light breakfast and then take a nap. If this was the real thing, I wanted to be well rested, so 10 minutes after the contractions stopped, I was back asleep. I slept about an hour and a half only to be woken up by more contractions. They weren't painful, just kept feeling like my butt was falling off. I didn't bother timing them because they didn't hurt, but I made it my plan to just stay home and hang out to see what happened.

The contractions were sporadic and varied in intensity. Some I could barely feel, some made me bend over, but overall, I was fine. At around 2 pm, I had one intense contraction that made me bend over and breath through it. This one contraction made me cancel my chiropractor appointment later that afternoon. I did NOT want to be on the table having contractions and not be able to breath or walk through it.

When I called to cancel, the receptionist that I had become friendly with got really excited when I told her I thought I might be in labor. She yelled into the receiver, "Get walking girl!" Honestly, up until this point, walking was not on my list of things to do. I was tired and just feeling blah, but I figured she was right, so I got out our treadmill and started walking. I walked for an hour, took a break, then walked another hour. Walking was just the thing I needed because as soon as I started walking, the contractions got closer together and were longer. I timed them using the timer on the treadmill and noticed they were about 4-5 minutes apart about 1-1:30 minutes long. Most of them I could barely feel, but I did have a few that made me have to stop and bend over to breath through.

After two hours of walking, I took a shower, and got ready to hopefully go to the hospital. My husband came home from work as I was straightening my hair. He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was alright and that I wasn't convinced this was the real thing. He suggested we time the contractions for an hour and see what happens. So we did just that, and after an hour we noticed they were 4 minutes apart, about 1 and 1/2 minutes long. He told me to call my doctor.

When I called my doc and told her what was going on, she told me to head to the hospital to get checked. So my husband and I packed up a few more things and headed to the hospital. One the way, I was praying for longer, stronger, more intense contractions because I still wasn't convinced I was in real labor. If there was ever a time I regretted praying for something, this was that time. Right after I prayed, I got hit with the hardest contraction yet. I remember looking down at my feet in the car and thinking that my butt was going to somehow come out of them. It hurt and I desperately wanted to walk through it, but we were on a major highway, and there was no shoulder. Walking wasn't an option. Luckily, I didn't have another contraction like that one.

We arrived at the hospital. This is where it gets interesting. As soon as we walked through the doors, I decided I was NOT going home. If they turned me away and told me I was going to be pregnant for a few more days, I would have died right then and there. So in an attempt to make sure I wasn't getting sent home, I decided to 'act' like I was in full on hard labor, even though the contractions were painless up until that point (aside from a few intense ones here and there). I bent over like I was dying. I whispered instead of talking loudly. At one point, I told my husband to talk for me because I was too busy selling the idea of me being in hard labor. I made faces like I was in pain. At another point, I fell to the floor, like I was in agony and I made little moans, even though I was totally fine. Looking back, it had to be pretty funny to see this. I must have been doing a good job though because even my husband was buying it.

Finally, in triage and my midwife came in to check my cervix. I was 5 cm! I remember thinking, dang, I got to 5 cm on my own and it was relatively painless, maybe I can do this naturally! But then I remembered all the horror stories I heard and read and fear took over and I asked for an epidural. Do I regret it? A little bit because I do think I could have done it naturally, but honestly, I was just too scared. Everything was so new to me. This was my first baby and I was scared about every little thing simply because I had never experienced it before.

I actually didn't get the epidural for 2 more hours and had progressed to 6 cm by the time I got it, all with little pain. Once I got the epidural, my labor stalled. That's when things got complicated. Caleb's heart rate dropped with each contraction and since I wasn't progressing I was put on pitocin and oxygen. I hated every bit of this. The oxygen mask made me nauseous and the pitocin made me concerned for Caleb. To top it off, I started feeling pain on my left side pretty badly. The anesthesiologist came to give me something for the pain. Whatever he gave me caused my blood pressure to drop dangerously low (something like 50/40). I felt like I was going to die. I remember looking over at him and thinking 'HELP!' but I couldn't talk and everything was going black. I remember everything around him and his trainee was all blurred and I could only see him and the trainee woman talking. He was telling her he knew that my blood pressure might drop so he came prepared. Once he saw me looking like he death, he walked over with some other needle, placed it in my IV and within 5 seconds, I was feeling golden again.

At that point, I started shaking uncontrollably. It was horrible and it was sucking up what little energy I had left. People started praying for me and I stopped shaking. Then, the nurse came in and told me if I didn't progress soon, I was going to need a C-section. I started crying hysterically. I did NOT want a C-section! Again, people started praying and within 10 minutes I was dilated to 7-8. I praised God over and over.

In an instant, a bunch of nurses came in and started prepping my room for the delivery of my baby boy. My midwife checked me again and I was 9 and a half cm. I needed to start pushing. Caleb was still in distress because the cord was wrapped his neck twice, so he had to come fast. I had no urge to push, but my midwife hoped I could push him down.

At this point, I was drained. From the drugs to the shaking to the drama, I wanted a nap, but here I was in the middle of popping out a baby and there was no time for naps. I started pushing not even knowing if I was doing a good job or not. I just pushed like they did in the movies. My midwife and nurse counted to 10. I remember they were counting REALLY slow and by 4 or 5 I was huffing and puffing. I couldn't hold my breath that long! I remember wondering how other women hold their breath til 10, because if I did that, I would have passed out.

Caleb's heart rate dropped during each contraction and pushing made it worse so I was forced to flop from side to side in between contractions. I hated this. Here I was 9 months pregnant. Flopping from side to side was near impossible on a normal day at nine months pregnant, let alone when your legs are numb. The nurse and my darling husband had to flip me. I just wanted to relax during my breaks, but that wasn't happening.

Then, the midwife asked me to push while I was on my side. I dreaded this and I hoped I wouldn't have to do this. I had seen baby story after baby story on TLC and many women pushed on their side, with their leg up, like they were peeing like a dog. As if spreading your legs for all the world to see wasn't bad enough, here I was holding my one leg up in the air like I was a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. Luckily, I was no good pushing this way and rolled back on my back.

As I continued to push, my midwife informed that a few extra people would be in the room to examine my baby because there was meconium when they broke my water. I said OK, but my real thoughts were please shut up. I pushed some more. Then, my midwife told me I'd need an episiotomy. I said, 'whatever.' My real thoughts? Please shut up.

Thirty minutes had gone by since I started pushing and my midwife could tell I was getting tired. She was an absolute saint because she did let me rest at some points by not flipping me and allowing me to not push during some contractions. I loved her for this. Little did she know though, that I was actually trying to fall asleep. It was 2:30 AM and it had been a long night.

I started praying really hard that Caleb would slide on out without me pushing, but it wasn't happening. I had to push. I started pushing again and did so for 10 minutes. After that, I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I remember looking up into the big bright light shining down on me and saying, "Jesus, I can't do this anymore, You have to do this for me. I got nothing left." Another push. Nothing. I prayed again. "JESUS! Did you hear me?! I can't do this anymore! Where are you?!" Another push and my son was born.

First came relief as I threw my head back on the pillow and let out the biggest sigh ever. Then, I cried when I heard my son's first cry. It was the most beautiful thing in the world and I remember thinking, "That's MY baby." I held him for a minute before they whisked him away. He was a little white and they needed to check him since the cord had been wrapped around his neck and meconium in my water. Soon after he was back in my arms. It was pure bliss!

Side note: I had no idea until later that Caleb's head was out after I had said my first prayer. No one told me though! So Jesus did in fact answer my prayer.

Perfect love casts out fear

My husband and I had a lovely chat last night after bible study. I'm not really sure how our conversation got started, but we were talking about God's love. John (my husband) said he felt that God was in the business of really showing everyone His love recently. I believe this to be true.

Lately, a lot of people have been mentioning in conversation that God has been showing them His love and how great it is. John and I don't know why all of a sudden this seems to be a big theme for God, but we feel that it is. Of course God's love was and continues to be great, it just feels like lately He's really making it a point to be known to a lot of people.

I can say this is true in my own life. I think I posted something a few weeks ago about God telling me how much He loves me. It was the first time God told me that (as least I think it was...I don't remember any other time). I know God has always loved me, but He never told me until recently and it really changed my life. It changed my perspective on who God was and is.

I'm going to try and make sense here, so bare with me. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself through words. Growing up, when I learned about God, I painted this picture of a very powerful, scary God. It was as if God was up in heaven just waiting for me to mess up so He could punish me. It didn't help that people in my life used God as a scare tactic. I was told that if I was sinning and the rapture happened, I wouldn't go to heaven. So if I was thinking a bad thought and Jesus came back, I was going to hell.

As you can imagine, this scared me and I became afraid. So, I got saved every night before I went to sleep (because if I didn't I was going to hell) and I raised my hand every Sunday when the pastor asked who wanted to accept Jesus (side note: I've accepted Jesus like 9084082934 times..kinda funny looking back). It's no wonder that I painted a scary image of God.

All this fear became a struggle in my life and once I gave way to a little fear, it took over everything. It started out being fearful of hell. Then, dying. Then, ghosts. Then, the dark. Then, sleeping alone. You see how it just spiraled out of control.

I lived in bondage because of fear. I was too prideful to admit it so I never got prayer for it. I just lived with it.

One day, it got so out of hand, I couldn't live a normal life. I was afraid of everything. I hated waking up because I knew my day would be spent "looking over my shoulder." Finally, I got fed up and asked for prayer. I got prayed for two separate times at our small little bible study. I can tell you, you don't need a church full of people to pray to make things happen. The first time I got prayed for I was healed. I just know I was, but the fear crept in one day and I let it take over again. A few days after that, I refused to spend a life in bondage so I asked for prayer again. Since then, the fear has been gone.

I can honestly say at that point, I was free from fear. However, it felt like the fear was always there, knocking, wanting to be let in. I felt I had to be very conscious of the things I watched, listened to, talked about, and thought about because the fear could have very easily slipped back in....well, until now.

God has been showing me His love. He has told me and shown me how much He loves me. This has changed my life completely. I see a new God, a loving God, for goodness sake, I can see a smiling God. This new God I've found has revealed to me a perfect love. So I can finally say that the fear is completely gone. It's not in the back of my mind...it's gone. Completely gone. I feel so free. It's such an amazing feeling to be free.

I am free "Because perfect love casts out fear" - 1 John 4:18

And I know, You're with me

A few weeks go we sang "Aftermath" by Hillsong at church. I was not a fan of that album, nor was I a fan of that song. It was long, boring, and I just couldn't get 'into' it.

While we were worshiping to this song and I was thinking to myself, "I can't wait til this song is over," Jesus spoke to me and said, 'listen to the words.' So, I did. The line that followed was this:

"You chose to take the sinner's crown, as you placed Your crown on me."

As you might imagine, I started crying. Those words were so powerful. Jesus gave me HIS crown so that I can live and in the process, He took mine to the grave. He died so that I could live. He's perfect, I'm not, I mess up, but He paid my debt. Why would someone so perfect do that for someone who constantly messes up? Jesus must REALLY love me. It's hard to imagine sometimes because of how imperfect I really am.

The cool thing though, is that I'm realizing God's love more and more. I love my son more than anything in the world. There are moments when I stop and think, "I love this baby so much, its just CRAZY! Wow!" and just when I think I can't love him any more, I do. I love him more and more each day. I didn't even know that was possible!

I imagine God's love is similar, although I will never fathom the depth of His love. It must be something incredible though. <3

Hope - Not so Much

Boy oh boy is God showing me things lately. Before I get into my blog about 'hope' I want to share something with you. If you are in a 'dry' place, if you are feeling spiritually empty, I dare you to take a GIANT leap of faith. As soon as we began talking about planting a church, I saw God in a way I've never seen Him and it only continues to get more and more amazing. Granted, opposition and spiritual warfare have accompanied this amazingness I've found in God, but it's totally worth the God I've discovered (who was always there, of course, I am just now seeing Him). If you're feeling 'comfortable' in your walk, ask God what you can do for Him, then DO IT! I promise He'll meet you half way. How can I promise that? Because the bible tells us if we seek Him, we'll find Him.
I had this dream about two months ago. I was walking down this dirt road lined with random people. As I was walking, three people came into sight and they were standing on the road. They were all standing at different points on the road (one was a little bit farther down the road then the other). As I got closer, I recognized the first as the Holy Spirit. He came up to me and hugged me and I was very happy to see Him. As I continued walking, I recognized the next person as Jesus. He came up to me and hugged me, too. I was happy to see Him as well. The third person was, you guessed it, God. He came up to me and hugged me also. At that point in my dream, I thought I was dead, totally freaked myself out, and woke myself up.
Since that dream, I tried to figure out why I had that dream. What was God trying to tell me? Was God trying to tell me He was there for me? I already knew that. That couldn't be it. There had to be something more. Was God trying to show me He loved me? No, I knew that, too. So what was God trying to show me? I had no idea and I couldn't figure it out. But I wanted to know.
Fast forward a few months. As we started the church planting process, like I've mentioned before, I've seen God in amazing ways. I feel closer to Him than ever before. What I've been searching for, I've finally found. Don't get me wrong here, I've always known God and I've loved Him since I learned about Him in Sunday School at the age of 5, but since graduating college, I've been trying to find this AMAZING. LOVING God people kept telling me about. I knew God as loving and amazing (at least thats what people told me), yes, but not the way people talked about. The way my husband talked about God's love was so much deeper than what I knew. I needed to understand what he was talking about. So I began searching, but for years I couldn't find it. I studied books of the bible trying to find this God my husband was in love with. Again, don't get me wrong, I loved God, I did, but IN love with Him? I don't think I could honestly say that. If I'm honest, I didn't really know a LOVING God. Ultimately, I saw God as a POWERFUL, condemning God. I loved Him because I was scared to go to hell, really. I loved Him because He blessed me, but when things got tough, I screamed at Him. My idea of God was all messed up.
I desperately tried to find a new God, a God I never saw before. I couldn't imagine a non-tangible God to be my best friend, but that's what I needed. I couldn't depend on Him solely, I couldn't even see Him! That was just crazy! And as many times as I told myself and others I really depended on God, I was still holding onto the wheel with one hand and I wasn't letting go!
Like I said, for four years, I searched for a deeper meaning to my relationship with God. I desperately wanted to see this AMAZING God I didn't see before. I craved a deeper relationship, one deeper than ever before. I started studying the gospels in hopes that I would find the God I was looking for. If I learned everything about Jesus that I could by studying the gospels, then I certainly would understand why people were in love with Jesus. But as I studied, I grew weary. The gospels were repetitive and I got confused, so I gave up. I could not figure out why God wasn't meeting me half way when I was trying so hard!
I began to worry a little bit. Did I lose my salvation? Did I lose the Holy Spirit along the way? What happened? Why was God eluding me?! At times, I just gave up searching, but when I got curious, I started my search again. Every time though, I got tired of searching and stopped. I knew God so well as a teenager. He spoke clearly to me. At that time in my life, I think I could honestly say, I was in love with God, but that was a long time ago, and I had walked away quite a few times since then. Where was that God? Where did He go and why wasn't He coming back? What did I do?!
And then we started this church planting process. My husband and I took a giant leap of faith and God caught us mid air. And I finally found what I was looking for. It took years of searching and although it was hard, it was worth the God I found. I wish I found Him sooner, I'll be honest, but there was a purpose in that, although Im not quite sure what it is.
Where does that crazy dream come in? Well, I believe God was showing me that the LONG road I was traveling down finally led me to Him. I think it was His way of saying my search was over. What an awesome feeling! :)
If you asked me why I think I searched for so long and couldn't find the God I once knew as a teenager, I would tell you it was because I wasn't doing what God wanted me to do. I don't think it's a coincidence that once we took a leap of faith and started church planting that God all of sudden revealed Himself to me just the way I was looking for Him to do. It leads me to believe that maybe we were supposed to start this process a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, I thought I WAS doing what God wanted me to be doing all along, but looking back, maybe I wasn't.
Either way, it doesn't matter now because we are doing exactly what God wants us to do. And like I said, it's no coincidence that once we stepped out of our comfort zone, God showed up in a new and AMAZING way. That's why I say if you're feeling spiritually empty or dry or even if you're looking for something more and deeper, step of your comfort zone. Show God you are willing to stand up for Him and actually do it. He won't disappoint....I know from experience ;)
Funny, I was supposed to write about hope. Maybe next time :)

Showing signs and miracles

Been reading and studying Hebrews lately. I'm not really sure why I chose this particular book to study, but I do know I felt led to read it. Today, I read part of Hebrews 2. What stuck out to me the most was where it said that salvation was confirmed by Jesus and those who had heard and knew Him. Then, it says that "God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit..." (Hebrews 2:4).
I read the footnotes on this and it said this: "God still desires that the testimony of Jesus be confirmed, especially among believers, by signs, wonders and various miracles and not by a testimony of words only."

Interesting. I am a big fan of sharing what God has done for me, in fact, I get very excited to tell people about it. I never stopped to think that it wasn't just about my words. I mean, I know that sometimes its about those other things, but why does it only have to be sometimes that miracles happen? Why don't miracles happen as often as when I share God's awesomeness with my words?

I think I've been missing something lately. Maybe we need to see more miracles. Personally, I'd like to see more, I don't know about you....

I'll be meditating on this the rest of the day....

maybe you should too....

The Spirit won today

I have no idea what to title this blog yet. I'll give it a title when Im finished I suppose. If I sat here and told you that planting a church was easy, I'd be lying. If I sat here and told you we didn't experience any spiritual warfare, I'd be lying. If I sat here and told you everyone was supportive, I'd be lying. If I sat here and told you life was perfect because I was doing God's work, I'd be lying. If I told you there were no disappointments, no sad moments through it all, I'd be lying. In fact, the exact opposite has been happening. Planting a church is not easy. The spiritual warfare has been almost unbearable. The lack of support is hurtful. Doing God's work makes it harder. The disappointment is overwhelming. I wish I could sit here and tell the world I could handle this, but again, I'd be lying, well sort of. We've been in the process of planting a church for only a few weeks and we've been hit so hard that I've cried more times in the past few weeks then I have in my life (I am not a crier). The stress is exhausting. If this is what church planting entails, I wonder how any church ever gets planted. I was not prepared for this....

 But there's something inside me that somehow is persevering and wants to keep going. My human instinct tells me to run in the opposite direction, that it's not worth it. The spirit in me says keep going. My human instinct tells me the stress is too much. The spirit in me is excited to do God's work no matter how hard it is. My human instinct tells me to give up the fight and flee. The spirit in me says you can do this and it's going to be awesome. My spirit is excited. My spirit says you can do it. My spirit is becoming louder than my human instinct.

 Today, I thought the human in me was going to win the battle, but I didn't let it. Today, the spirit won.

 James 1 flashed on the screen for a brief moment this morning as I was praying. Heres what it says: James 1:2-12 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. 9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. 12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

 God also reminded me of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Voi3JM8ZA

March 31, 2011

I arrived at the hospital on March 30 at 6PM thinking my baby boy would come that day. I was wrong. I stalled out at 6cm and the clock just kept right on going. My labor was slightly eventful though, which makes for a good story. I needed Pitocin, then more Pitocin, then more, and just when I thought there wasn't any more in the hospital to give, they gave me a little more. They gave me as much as they could. When I started to feel pain on my left side, they gave me some whacked out concoction of drugs that made my blood pressure drop to 50/40. Needless to say, I almost passed out. Good thing those docs know what they are doing because when my blood pressure dropped, the doc ever so casually walked toward me, as if he knew this could happen, and gave me another concoction of crazy drugs. Within seconds, I was feeling good. Modern medicine is a beautiful thing.

I could still feel pain on my left side, but it was totally bearable. All of a sudden, my baby's heart rate was down and I needed to be put on oxygen. Ugh, I hated that thing. It smelled funny. I'm talking about the oxygen mask. Bleh. Next thing I knew, the doctors got this crazy idea to flip me from side to side to get the baby's heart rate stable. This had to be the worst things in the world. If there was ever a time I wanted to curse someone out during labor, this was the time. How are you going to ask a pregnant lady, who has a ginormous belly, who's legs are completely numb, who is totally exhausted, to flop from side to side?! Looking back, it's funny to think about John and the nurses helping me flop to one side and then the other. LOL.

At one point, I started shaking uncontrollably which was totally annoying, but it was my body's way of saying, dude, I'm spent. Prayer helped the shaking subside. At around 2:05AM it was time to push! I remember the doc telling me there'd be a few extra people in the room because of the baby's heart rate and because the cord was wrapped around his neck twice. If you told me that there would need to be 4 extra nurses and doctors in the delivery room before I went into labor, I would have said, NO WAY! However, at that point, I was so exhausted, so drained physically, it did NOT matter who was in the room, I just wanted the baby out! So again, if there was ever ANOTHER time I wanted to curse during labor, this was the other time. The doc said, "Gina, because of the baby's heart rate, there needs to be a few extra people in the room when he's delivered to make sure he's okay." I think I shook my head or nodded or something, but in my mind I was thinking, "Please shut up and stop talking to me."

30 minutes later and what felt like 908324098234 pushes later, Caleb John-Gabriel was born! The first thing I felt was relief, but as soon as I heard him cry, my heart melted and it was the most beautiful sound in the whole world! What a skinny little thing he was, with chicken legs and arms! He looked just like his daddy, it was kinda freaky. LOL He had the biggest eyes in the world and he was so alert! He HUGE hands and was constantly trying to get them to his mouth. He was so cute and little!

At first, I was afraid to hold him because he was so fragile. John was good with babies because he had so many younger brothers and sisters, so he helped me get used to holding something so small. I'll be honest, I didn't know how to feel when they first handed him to me. Part of me was petrified. I was scared out of my mind. And part of me was excited he was finally here.

One year later, I look back on March 31, 2011 as the best day EVER! What a blessing my son is to me. He brings so much joy and happiness. He is just a perfect piece of human. He is everything I prayed for and more. He's sweet, happy, loves to smile, and he loves to snuggle! He is perfect!

Babies are an absolute gift from God and a complete blessing. God blesses us constantly, but a baby is the ultimate gift and blessing <3 I thank God for my precious son <3

March 30, 2011

As previously stated, this day last year was so much more exciting. It was a Wednesday morning, a day after my due date, and when I woke up STILL pregnant, I lost my mind. I secretly hoped little man would make his appearance in the middle of the night even though I was very doubtful. My hope was pointless at that point. He just wasn't coming. I swore I'd be pregnant forever.

As I rolled onto my back in bed, I watched as Matt Lauer gave the morning's stories. I stared blankly at the tv and thought about how I'd get this baby out. I was determined that I'd do whatever it took, even drink castor oil. I was so desperate.

I honestly did not enjoy being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I was so appreciative and grateful that I was able to get pregnant because I know there are a lot of women who can't, but it was hard for me. I did enjoy it in the beginning. All the excitement of telling everyone and imagining a little human inside of me was so fun. As painful as it was to watch the scale go up, it was still neat to see my stomach distend. Even when I was put on moderate bed rest at 7 weeks and couldn't do more than walk from room to room in my house, I still enjoyed it. I enjoyed it all the way up to 5 months. that's when I started to 'not enjoy' it.

As soon as I hit five months, it just went downhill. My back hurt terribly. I couldn't sit at all. I had to either lay or stand. Sitting was very painful and uncomfortable. Then, there was this little foot stuck in my ribs at all times. I tried pushing it out (I mean I literally pushed on my belly to move little man), but it just managed to float right back up into my rib cage (imagine someone taking their elbow and digging it into your rib cage constantly). Everything just felt cramped in there. I'm not a big person to begin with and I think it was to my disadvantage at that point. It just felt like all my organs were mushed together. Before my next pregnancy, I'm asking God for a longer torso.

To be completely honest, I think at about 8 or 9 months, it actually got better. I think as my belly stretched out, so did Caleb. He was able to move outward a bit and I think it took the pressure off my spine. Although, he continued to keep his foot in the rib. I started going to the chiropractor which helped, too. You would think month 8 and 9 would be the worst because youre the biggest, but it actually wasn't too bad. I was never too big (although it definitely felt like it at times). I digress..

So this day last year, at 8AM, as I rolled onto my back and watched Matt Lauer, I felt something different. I had this weird feeling like my butt was falling off. I know it sounds funny, but that's the only way I can describe it. It just literally felt like my butt was falling. LOL. I had no idea what it was, but just assumed it had to do with me rolling over and the weight of the baby on my lower back.

As I laid there watching the Today Show, several minutes later, my butt started to feel like it was falling off again. I couldn't make any sense of it. Hoping and praying these weird feelings were contractions, I texted my sister in law and asked her if contractions felt like your butt's falling off. She told me yes and told me to time them. So I did. I had about 5 of these feelings at 8 minutes apart and then they stopped. I g-chatted John and told him. He asked me if he should come home, and since I was in total denial that this could be actual labor because I swore I'd be pregnant forever, I told him to stay at work.

Since those feelings stopped, I figured some breakfast would be good. It was around 9 AM when I got out of bed and headed into the kitchen. If in fact those feelings were an indication of real labor, I didn't want to have a ton of food in my belly, so I had some toast. I ate my toast in bed and decided some extra sleep would be good for me. So, at around 930AM, I fell back asleep.

I was having a good sleep until 11 AM. I woke up to that feeling again. You know the one I'm talking about, where it felt like my butt was falling off (hehehe). I thought to myself, 'what in the world is this? It's so weird!' I didn't start timing anything because I was still in denial, but I got up out of bed and decided to start my day.

I didn't do much this day last year. I sat on the couch, read news websites and random blogs, watched tv, did a devotional, and blogged. It was a pretty easy going day.

At around 2PM, I had to use the bathroom. So I got up, went to the bathroom, did my business and walked back into our family. However, as I was walking back to the couch, I got one of those weird feelings again, but this time, it was a little more intense. I felt it coming on, but didn't think anything of it. However, by the time I reached to TV console, I had to stop and breath through it. I remember holding onto the console thinking, 'Im definitely dying.' I will tell you though, it wasn't painful, it was just intense and it took my breath away. It was strong though. When the pain stopped, I stood up and said, 'that was werid,' and continued on my way back to the couch.

I had a chiropractic appointment that day at 330. After that last whopper of what I would later find out to be a contraction, I thought twice about going. I didn't want to be on the chiropractor table and get hit with one of those intense feelings. I didn't think I could just lay there without saying anything, acting like nothing was wrong, so I decided to cancel my appointment just in case.

I called the receptionist, who I knew quite well, and told her I might be in labor, although I wasn't sure, but I was cancelling my appointment. God definitely used her this day last year because as soon as I said 'labor' she told me to get outside and walk. Up until that point, doing anything but sitting on the couch wasn't appealing, but I decided she was right and that walking might do me some good. Plus, it would help pass the time.

So, at 230 PM, I got on the treadmill and started walking. I will be honest, at first, I thought about running. Once I was off moderate bed rest at 13 weeks, I ran pretty much every day. I ran the day prior, I could totally run still. I will tell you though, the Holy Spirit in me spoke up that day, and it was loud and clear. 'I don't think running is a good idea. Conserve your energy.' Hmm, makes sense. POWER WALK

I walked for an hour only having to stop once for one of those whoppers of a contraction. Again, not painful, just intense, and it took my breath away, so I had to stop, bend over, and try and concentrate on breathing. After an hour, I g-chatted the hubs and told him I was walking. I told him it seemed like those weird feelings were closer together. He said to keep walking and that he'd be home soon, so I did just that.

Back on the treadmill for another hour. This time, I timed those feelings and they were four to five minutes apart lasting anywhere from 130-2 minutes. Again, I only stopped once for one intense feeling, but the rest were barely noticeable. I walked until 430.

At 430, I got off the treads and decided a shower would be good. I hopped in the shower and by 5 I was out, just in time to see the hubs come threw the door. He asked me how I was feeling and suggested we should go to the hospital. I told him I didn't think I was really in labor because none of those feelings were really painful. I was convinced it was false labor or something. He said we should time them for the next hour and see what happens. So from 5-6, we timed them all while I was straightening my hair and perfecting my eye liner. I yelled (not because I was in pain, but so the hubs could hear me) from the bathroom every time I had a feeling and my husband, who was in the other room fixing his guitar, timed them on his watch. "I'm having one," I'd yell. He yelled back, "Ok." "It stopped," I'd yell after a few minutes. "That one lasted 2 minutes," he'd reply.

After an hour, we concluded these 'feelings' were coming every 4-5 minutes at about 2 minutes apart. The hubs suggested I call the doctor. I was still in denial, but I did it anyway. The doc called me back from the hospital and nonchalantly told me to come in to be checked out. I have to tell you, this reassured me. I could care less about labor and contractions, I was more concerned about getting sent home. I totally DID NOT want to be that girl that got sent home for false labor. Plus, if I was heading to the hospital, I was not turning back, this baby was coming out. I was done being pregnant.

The hubs and I packed up a few last things and headed to the hospital in Galloway. On the way I watched the clock like a hawk and timed my contractions. I could barely feel them! I was getting anxious about being sent home, so I did the dumbest thing anyone could ever do. I prayed for stronger, longer, harder, contractions. Now, bear with me for a second. Ever hear of the saying, "be careful what you wish/pray for?" That is very true. The contraction following my little prayer to Jesus was a WHOPPER. Not only did it feel like my butt was going to fall off, it felt like my head was going to fall off. I will say, that was the first time it actually hurt. I remember we were on the Parkway with no shoulder and all I wanted to do was jump out of the car and walk through that contraction. It was intense. I didn't yell or scream or anything crazy, for the record. In fact, I got quiet and didn't talk.

After that intense contraction, the rest were barely noticeable again. I consider that whopper of a contraction to be God's way of saying, "Yes, Gina, it IS real labor." I think I was convinced at that point. A few minutes later, we were at the hospital.

As I walked in totally normally (nothing like you see in the movies), I was worried I'd get sent home because if looks were everything, NO ONE would believe I was in labor. You couldn't tell. I could barely tell. It didn't hurt! So I decided to hone in on my acting skills and decided to play it up like I was in pain. I was NOT going home.

We walked into the reception area and asked for a pass up to labor and delivery. The receptionist smiled and sent us to the elevator. Ugh, the elevator, has to be a laboring woman's worst nightmare. I was semi-petrified we'd get stuck and I'd have a crazy story to tell everyone about how I had a baby in an elevator. You can imagine my relief when the doors opened on the third floor. The worry left me and my acting skills kicked in.

I stood in the hallway bent over like I was dying while we waited for someone to help us. I think at one point I fell to the floor. I had to make it seem like this was real. A nurse came and took us to triage, all while I walked bent over stopping and starting like I was dying. LOL

We got to triage and my doc came in right away. The moment of truth was upon us, I was either staying or going. The doctor checked me and I was 5cm! I'll never forget her words, "5cm. She's a keeper! You're having this baby tonight!" Ugh Praise God! "I'm not going to be pregnant anymore," I thought. As the doc walked out, I asked for an epidural, although I almost didn't ask. The contractions were never painful, except for one or two real intense ones. I almost thought I could do it naturally, but then I got real and thought, nah, give me some meds, I'm no superhero.

As soon as the doc left the room and as the nurse asked me a million questions to fill out the necessary paper work, John and I looked at each other with the biggest smiles on our faces. He mouthed 'I love you," and I mouthed it back. It was a special moment between the two of us.

Once the doc told me I was staying, my acting stopped, and some serious adrenaline kicked in. It was the same adrenaline that told me I could do this naturally. Any contractions I could feel before, I couldn't feel at all. Since I was hooked up to a machine, I asked her if I was in fact contracting. She said told me I was and I told her I couldn't feel anything. "Well, thats good," she said and laughed.

As she filled out the paper work, another nurse came in and started sticking IVs in all over the place. I will tell you, the worst part of labor is the IV they stick in your hand. THAT HURT. It was the only time I winced in pain during labor. Ugh, painful.

About 15 minutes later, I was in the delivery room just waiting. I played on the computer, talked to family, and soon the epidural man was there to give me some AMAZING drugs. I still wasn't in pain, but I decided getting the epidural was still a good idea. The epidural didn't hurt at all. I could barely feel it. I told the epidural man I had dental work that was more painful and he laughed. Soon, my legs were 'falling asleep.'

And as they say, the rest is history! This day last year, I sat, numb from the waist down, waiting for my little man to make his debut. If I thought this day last year was exciting, the next day was even better :)

March 29, 2011

I can't help but sit here and think about this time last year. This day last year was a Tuesday and it was my 'due date.' Four weeks prior to this, I was already dilated 1.5 cm and 50% effaced, and the doctor told me I most likely would deliver early and I DEFINITELY wouldn't be late. So, I really believed the ETA would be the exact day my son would be born. It's a good thing I held my breath all day because he didn't come.

We actually had bible study that night at our house, even though I was totally convinced I would start contracting sometime during the day and we'd have to cancel. The contractions never came even though I tried all 'the tricks' to jump start labor. I actually went for a two mile run, squatted like a pro, and did 2983294 jumping jacks every time I thought about it. Even after I ran, I kept walking. You would think the baby would have slid right on out after that, but not a single contraction. I was discouraged and a little perturbed. I really thought I'd be pregnant forever.

My last doctors appointment was actually the day prior and the doctor checked my progress. I was 2 cm and 75% effaced. She couldn't believe I still hadn't had the baby. I told her I needed to 'see a light at the end of the tunnel' and asked her to schedule an induction. We scheduled one for Monday, April 4, 2011 (the first due date they gave me at 12 weeks). I was a little angry about having to schedule an induction because I wanted my son to come on his own, but I just couldn't bare being pregnant anymore. I was COMPLETELY over it.

I was mad. My son was supposed to be a March baby and here I was thinking he'd end up being an April baby. This messed up everything. He couldn't be an April baby because April's birthstone is a diamond and boys don't wear diamonds! An aquamarine gemstone was so much more fitting. Didn't my son know this?!

I left the doctors office very disappointed, but held on, hoping that my due date was special and accurate. But like I said, Tuesday, March 29, 2011, came and went without a single contraction. "Those stupid doctors," I thought that night, "they dont know anything! They told me I'd probably have this baby four weeks ago!"

I so desperately wanted my pregnancy to be over and I REALLY believed I was going to deliver early. I actually slept on extra blankets and towels just in case my water broke in the middle of the night (I did this for a week leading up to my due date and the days after). I believed running every day, eating weird things that people swore jump started labor, and pushing on my belly (gently of course) to get him to move down and out would make him come sooner. Of course, nothing worked.

If there's anything I learned from this day last year it's that God has a time for everything and no matter how hard we try, there are some things we just can't control. And we can sit and argue with God day and night, but God will work in His own time no matter how much we kick and scream. And there's no sense in worrying about things you can't control either. If I could go back and tell myself one thing this time last year, I would say, "Hey self, chill out, worrying and getting all anxious isn't going to make this baby come faster. God's in control, so sit back and get some sleep because you're not going to get any for the next month."

This day last year was the last day I was a normal (total overstatement) pregnant woman. Little did I know, the next day would be so much more exciting...

God is goooooood!

My sons first birthday is approaching quickly. For the entire month of March, I've been recalling back to this exact time last year. This time last year, I was FINALLY on maternity leave, just waiting for my precious angel to arrive. I was eager and excited to not be pregnant anymore and to get my body back. I was excited to have a baby to place in the perfectly decorated nursery I had so meticulously put together. What an exciting time it was!

However, today as I recalled the day my son was born, I was reminded of something. I was reminded of how God played such an active part in my labor. I remember like it was yesterday the second to last push before my son was born. I remember vividly staring up at the bright spotlight shining on me. I was physically and emotionally drained. It was 2:39 AM and labor was exhausting. I was on Pitocin and oxygen and it was wearing me out. My body was shaking from the trauma it was going through. I was so tired that I couldn't hold my breath for the 10 seconds the doctor counted for each push. I got to 5 and exhaled everything that was in me. I remember thinking, 'how do people hold their breath for 10 seconds?' by 3, I wanted to pass out! Needless to say I was physically spent.

So right before the second to last push, I stared into that bright light, and lost it. I broke down. It was the second time I cried during labor (the first time was then they told me I might need a C-section). I said, "I can't," and cried some more. I reached for my mom and asked her to help me. She looked at me with tears in her eyes wishing she could take the pain. The look on her face told me she couldn't help me, even though she so desperately wanted to. At the point, I knew no one could help me, I couldn't help myself because I was too drained..except for Jesus. It was a time in my life when I had no other option but to depend on Him. I knew I had nothing left physically. My body was done. That was evident by the constant shaking. That was my body's way of telling me, you have nothing left. So, I stared into that bright light, and cried to Jesus. I told Him I couldn't do it anymore and I needed help. I told Him He would have to do this for me because I had nothing left and that I needed some super natural strength.

All of a sudden, my mind said, you can do this..you are strong, GO! I wiped the tears away and pushed (for 5 seconds, not 10) and.....Caleb didn't come out. I looked back at that bright spotlight and yelled to Jesus in my mind, 'Jesus, did You hear me?! I can't do this!! I need Your help!' 5 seconds later, and one more push, Caleb John-Gabriel Wilson was born.

What I didn't find out until later was that after I prayed, Caleb's head came out and on last push the rest of his body was born.

As I look back on that day, I think about that moment. Physically and emotionally I was completely dry. I had nothing left to give. I HAD to depend on God because I couldn't do it on my own. What a glorious place to be in! People in 3rd world countries are in that similar position every day. They have to depend on God for food and shelter daily. Never in all my life did I have to depend on God like that. Yes, it is a blessing, but at the same time, I bet you my life would look a lot different if I had to depend on him for every little thing.

My goal is to be completely dependent on God like I was in labor. No more trying to do it on my own.

I have to say, the coolest thing about all of it is that part of me was a little worried Jesus wouldn't help me. Like, maybe He wanted me to do it on my own. But when you are solely dependent on Him, He doesn't disappoint. He was there in that delivery room. And the best part was, He didn't show up right at the end when I cried out to Him, He was there the whole time...like when they told me I might need a C-section and everyone prayed, and I quickly dilated and when I was shaking so bad because my body was physically exhausted and everyone prayed and I stopped.

God is so good. He will not let you down when You need Him most. I know it.